Thursday, September 3, 2009
i think i shouldn't doubt it anymore. that the best therapy for me comes from only one source and that is the indulgence of anime and manga with my favourite characters saying the most insignificant things in the most comforting ways, listening to my favourite voice actors singing with the most normal of voice in the most assuring way.
just by watching 07-Ghost for less than 5 minutes was enough to wipe out the angst face and replace it with the smile that i've been missing for quite some time already. and listening to songs sung by old time favourites can lift my spirits better than a gourmet meal cooked by the best chefs in the world.
and at this point of time i asked myself, why the hell do i want to doubt them so much. i mean, for quite some time already i've decided not to pay heed to people who think this is just another form of entertainment. to me it was what kept me going for these years, led me thinking of things that should really matter, and how things should matter to one. and i've given up convincing others who have conflicting views about this issue and decided that if they want to treat me as an idiot in their world, it's only fair that i do so in mine.
but for some reason, whenever i feel down or sad or even felt the world doesn't seem to give a damn about what happens to me, it never occurred to me that i should go find the one remedy that does wonders in manner of mili-seconds. only after i've dragged myself into that state does it dawn upon me that sickening question that pricks at my guilty conscience.
and everytime that happens, i felt like myself again. like a rechargeable battery finally gets it's energy back. i felt like that girl again, that girl who represented every aspect of life that i couldn't achieve.
but the downside of it, of course, is that energy will eventually run out. and it takes extra effort to get it charged back on again. and i'll get back to feeling like the girl once again, the girl who lives in the shadows of others.
sometimes i just want to sit and cry it all out, because many of them says crying it out will make me feel better. but for some reason, whenever i felt the urge to cry, it subsided almost immediately and my tears fall back down. i think i'm abnormal. or perhaps i'm gradually becoming like that girl, ever so little.
it's barely the end of the 1st week of school, and already i've given up most of the hope i had.
met up with a couple of people today. had my brain cells destroyed to about 5% left. my internals hurt now with the slightest movement due to excessive laughter. but in the end, i realise that, i did what i said. heck self-fulfilling prophesy. because i know i deserve a little more of what i think and what i will. and i should.
