Sunday, November 30, 2008


oooo long time no blog le. let's see. i'm eating noodles in the middle of the day, after plowing through com theory textbook and notes. hmm... conclusion, my sofa is a great place for slacking and studying without distractions other than my mum's constant noises. whahahaha

hmmm... past few days, or week i don't know, hmmm... alot has happened. yes, been crying into late hours of the night, doing silly things, thinking excessively, yes yes, emoing, 'practicing' dramaturgy, acting not myself, putting up fronts, wasting tissue papers, and most importantly, attempting to run away.

strange thing about LOA, ya, sure you want something badly, for some time already, you exercise LOA, hoping it'll come, believing it will come, receiving it as it come, and then SMACK, the truth comes.

"Are you ready for it?"

haha, i laugh at my own silliness by using LOA without thinking about EVERY possible outlets, consequences and possibilities. haha it caught me off-guard. but yes, i'm not ready, and most importantly, i don't want to lose something that i value with high regards.

but well, i guess even though there was excessive tearings and cryings, it's not such a bad thing afterall. i mean, i cry when i want to, and after that, i'm fine. i pick myself up again and move on. a voice tells me, 'hey, what are you crying for silly?!' and yeah, what was i crying about? i don't remember. haha. so? move on. let it go.

and most importantly, i don't want to run away. what's the point actually? i'm just making things worse than it would have been. haha, and running away, that's not what Raiin will do. she can pretend nothing happened, she can take things as they come, slash and cut whatever that obstructs her, but she'll never run away. i almost forgot about that.

all the while, thinking about fading away, running away, not facing it. hahahahahaha, dumb girl. but guess i realised it fast. at that time, it may not be running away, doesn't matter. at least now i know, if it turns out to be what i predicted, and by not running away, the situation turns for the worse, and i lose that something i hold a high regard, at that time, i know it was supposed to be this way, and perhaps, being powerless and really knowing that you've made the effort does make it feel less bad that it turned out not okay. hahahaha

we have so many failures, losing what we have, it is so that we'll appreciate it more when the real thing comes.

if you look at things in a small picture, yes it seems horrible and unbearable, but in time to come, when we are old and we are able to look at the big picture, i'm sure at that time, the answer would be different.

i don't want to run away anymore

i will cry when i feel like it, even for no reason

i will pick myself up after each time i fall

i will protect myself from hurt

but i won't do it by running away

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Friday, November 21, 2008


212th post, nice number.

blogging when i should be doing my slides, reading other blogs when i should be doing my slides.

been slacking for 3 days already, ok make that 4. i shall TRY to do some work today. heck it.

i feel damn sleepy now. and it's like 10.51 in the morning. why the hell did i wake up so early? thanks to some idiot who wants to install a door for my parents' room... curse that idiot who didn't do his job properly in the first place, curse the hole that collected water on the floor, curse the termites who chewed on my parents' floor, curse that idiot who refused to check the problem properly, curse that loud speaker who keeps saying he'll do and annoy me out of my bed, curse that pathetic guy who still dare to push blame, curse that desginer who cleverely weaseled out of this, curse this curse that.

i hate waking up early and doing nothing. in fact, i slept for only 4 hours DESPITE today and yesterday are SCHOOL-LESS days... if they arranged it at 1 oclock like they USUALLY do, i won't be so annoyed. i don't care i'm taking a nap later. wake me up for NOTHING and prepare to face my wrath.

i did something stupid. i went to brush Glacier's fur with water and dry it using a hair dryer... (roll eyes)

overslept yesterday and missed the bidding like completely, and i got into classes that clashed. damn it. feel like killing something right now.

if i'm living on LOA, so what the hell did i think of that's negative that brought so many unhappiness? first my dad, then that something, now this, i don't know what's next, and i don't even dare to speculate. so damn irritated.

attract happiness, positive things. ok that's what i'll TRY to do.

creepy feeling crawling onto me lately, and i'm wondering what if this time i really fall? being opposite of pal, i'm a 'wai gang nei rou' person, and i told her before, if my exterior crumbles, i'm officially declared dead. that's why i must have a strong character and personality, (yep, thanks to pal for telling me this when two people are conspiring near the POOL table when i'm trying to sink a ball). but too bad, i can feel the fortress crumbling bit by bit until the hole is huge enough.

i feel like i'm walking at the edges of a cliff. afraid of questions, afraid of the answers. maybe i should just accept the fact that

some people are, and some people ain't.

that way i might be able to feel better knowing that things are just the way it is and i don't have the power to change.

being independent, i guess is really tiring. because it puts you on your toes all the time and theres not a minute of rest.

that's why i admire independent people the most. the attitude that what will come, will come, and i'll be able to handle that. that confidence just amaze me, something which i don't have. the optimism to live every day to the fullest and best they can, and looking back with no regrets. the motto that they have, 'as long as we are happy, other issues doesn't matter'.

and i wonder when will i have half of what they have.

suddenly i don't feel sleepy and angsty anymore...

when that day come, yes, i will be sad, but i promise myself, the most i'll do is bury myself at some place for a few days and cry. and after that i'll pick myself up and start living again.

i just hope that at the present moment, i don't fall deeper and harder, because i know, it's all dramaturgy. and i'm not a good actor, nor a player. and if i really fall, i know there's no one there to help me up, that's why i'm doing all these to save myself, and not to wait until the hole is too big in the fortress and declare myself dead.

between regret and death, on normal circumstances, i'll choose death. but i know, at this stage, i can't afford to be dead, there are many things that will one day fall upon my shoulders to carry. hence i choose to regret, that i may lose it, or that i let an opportunity go.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


happy bdae angie and steffi! may the forces be with you two happy Scorpios, haha. sorry couldn't be attending your celebrations, but you'll still have my best wishes.

suddenly i feel super lost. had a long long chat with pal until she started sprouting nonsense (whahahaha. ROM...). then when i hung up i look at the length of the call, 3 hrs and 24 mins forgot how many seconds le. sorry pal i was a bit distracted at the end, and this time tables turned and i was the one stoning at the other end and people prompted me to 'hey, talk leh'... never happened to me before, oh wait it did, but i guess, it certainly is weird to be the one stoning on the phone...

i think, i lost count of how many long phone calls i had already, usually i remember when i still talk to pal on phone it was never beyond 2 hours, because someone will be calling her phone and i'll hang up, (i'm considerate pls...) hmm... it's only recently that my calls start to shoot to 3 hours and even until 4 hours plus...

ok i know i'm making a huge fuss about phone calls, and compared to others i know my amount is minuscule. but for me, for someone who has a histoy record of off-ing my phone for 3 days and no caller alerts no messages, talking on the phone out of a sudden is quite surprising. and quite honestly, i love talking on the phone. and i love the long phone calls, 'intellectual' conversations. haha. and i found out that i got to know people better, and myself better.

but i guess, things aren't the same anymore. for whichever reason. sometimes i wonder hahaha, if self-fulfilling prophecy is really evident in our daily lives. and i think i know the answer to that. perhaps that should explain this whole thing.

and i told pal last night, 'i felt as though i lost a friend'.

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

i guess that's the reason why the lost-ness. and despite all my efforts of containing it, i still need to admit that pal's horoscope findings were rather accurate, especially the last one, made me felt as though i was scanned by bionic eyes and three times x-ray... super exposed.

well, all in all it explains alot of things. whether or not i'll admit, i still have to say that it's pretty true, spot on, in fact, 100% accurate... ok that's exaggerating.

the part on libras being narcissistic, well, at the moment, when i look into the mirror in the mornings and before i take a bath, i'm loving my hair. it's starting to grow back, ok that was crap, it IS growing back. and finally i'm rid of that horrible short hair that was cut on impulse and i totally regretted it.

hair hair, grow faster. haha let me go back to the length i had during secondary school whahahaha.

i hate the world, for treating my family this way. i hate how the world turned my dad this way. i hate how the hospital functions so slowly and making me wait in agony the results of my dad's diagnosis. in fact, i'm starting to hate everything.

LOA is not working. but if LOA is true, i'm digging my own grave...

one acronym

GND

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


on the bus, i slept for a while, and when i woke up, a thought suddenly flashed through my mind.

"Go home and play piano."and true enough, i didn't feel like sleeping after alighting, my one thought was to get home and play piano.

shifted my laptop to my piano room, made a ridiculous make-shift 'table' so that the laptop is on level with my hands... and started to figure out that two lines of melody from D-Grayman that sent me crying at 4 plus am in the morning that day. then i thought i had it done, and miraculously, someone over the internet transcribed it. hahahaha, like real. hey dude, the last part of the base is wrong. and one of your chords for first melody is also off. so conclusion, just trust my ears.

then it started to rain. skype-chatted with angie about our soci individual assignment, the considerably ambiguous one while playing the piano at the same time. score after score i scoured through, typing and deleting parts of the assignment when it started to rain really heavily. like REALLY heavily. and at that time i was at colors of the wind. I had to Bloody Fight with The Rain's Sound to even Hear myself Play. it was then, that feeling came back.

now i remember why i love to play the piano when nobody is around, like when the new flat wasn't even populated and i was the only one banging the piano at like 10 pm without aircon. and i love removing all the things that are covering the piano and open up every possible lid and just bang my way through.

i just love that feeling, of not giving a freaking damn about what people say, heck care about all the wrong notes, just play my heart out. as fast as possible, as furious as i can get. i just love that feeling.

i once heard someone say (forgot who) that he/she loves to play music when it's raining. and right you are, whoever you may be, that it's damn freaking awesome to be playing when it's raining.

and by the time i finished that song 3 times, haha my fingers were already red at the sides from too much jumping keys. but it was worth it.

then i have no idea why, the next score was rather emo. then i don't know why i had the sudden urge to play all the slow and tragic and peaceful and whatever it is. yep, the rain was getting to me. i felt sad out of a sudden... (call me bi-polar, i don't care...)

then i remembered telling pal a few days ago (i think..) that it's only a matter of time that i lose confidence in piano, and then the entire realm of music. it's just sometimes that no matter how you try, the mistakes are just there, you can't get over the threshold, you simply can't advance like you hope to.

claire played twinkle twinkle little star on violin today in class, due to our enthusiasm to hear her play, even honolulu turned around to give her her full attention. and at that time, i had the sudden urge to learn violin. i guess that's why the thought to play music came into my head.

but even it was full of mistakes, that i lost touch with many songs, muscle memory was there to save me. played 'arrival of queen of sheba' in the rain after that, and i'm amazed at how i could pull that song off after so long of not playing. then as i tapped the keys in accending order, i was reminded that ages ago i struggled with this passage. i can just never get the notes together, coordination of my left and right hand was just totally out.

then at that time, i saw another image, i saw myself at night, isolated in the room, just playing those 5 pages of running notes over and over and over again. i remembered how tired my hands were, how my back was totally aching after those rounds, how the next day i couldn't hold a pen. it's like, hey i don't even Like that song, ya sure it's nice, but not to the extend of me scouring though the internet just for that score. but yet, i sat there for hours, days just to practice.

then there's "for real", it took me like eons just to get the left hand parts to sound just like the recording. then there's the everyday 8 o clock evening practice piano for 1 hour.

i know, i don't have that talent to just see something and play like as if i'm breathing. i corrected so many people that it isn't talent that got me this far, it was hard work. because i got to interact with music, till this day i remain convinced that it was just a stroke of luck.

and if that's the case, starting at such a young age, 18 years of hardwork, are they really going to be wasted?

in fact i ask myself, who am i playing for? what is my purpose? and why in the first place i'm playing it?

2nd round of rain came, the adrenaline rush wasn't there anymore, but the emo songs came out better. and i think, i'm lost, once again.

but i think the most important question is, what the hell am i doing...?

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


thankyou once again to my uni buddies, in sequence of the addresses given

Xiao Hui
Janice
Angie
Wendy
Vincent
Sarih
Sean
Huiwen
Yvonne

thank you so much for your present!! whahaha!!!! i love stories!!!! hahahahaha!!! and i love the envelope too! dont worry, it'll be in a safe place!

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

thank you dear pal for listening to me and helping me make a conclusion. really thanks, i realise that what you said is true, that listening and focusing on a problem does help alot. so thank you very much. even though i had my own conclusion and resolution already, but i guess verbalizing it does make it more concrete and resolute and that the power of consistency and commitment to what i say would help.

sure it might be difficult to do what i said i would, but knowing myself better than others, and the whole list of examples i can give you, i know that at least on my own part i can do it.

even if anything goes wrong, or i find myself heading in the wrong direction again, don't forget, those papers take time to come into effect, haha and i can always reinstate my former title. no harm done. after all, welcoming back Raiin is already saying i'm back to my old ways. no harm done, just perhaps more peace and tranquility? ok i'm exaggerating.

indeed, Raiin isn't happy when she came back, i can sense it, at least she wasn't happy with what i am now, because it was totally out of plan. but i guess after this, i'm sure she can take a joke and just laugh about it. that's why, the dark side isn't always the bad side, and the bright side isn't always the best to look upon.

looking forward to tomorrow, perhaps even skipping class whahahaha! i feel rebellious, but at least i'm happy now.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Sunday, November 9, 2008


honto ni tadaima.
(really, i'm home)

wakaranai dake do, kyo wa nani mo tsukanai da. doshite mo, zetai mukashi no tanoshi kata mono wa sagasete. yahari, kotai wa zutto soba ni iru.
(i don't know why, but i didn't feel like doing anything today. i don't care how but i wan to find back what i love doing most in the past. and true enough, the answer was just right in front of me)

"jibun no kizu wa, jibun de omoyo. ikite ireba, kizu wa itsuka ierun desu. ato wa nokorun keredo..."
("we must bear our own injuries. as long as we are alive, the injuries will heal, even if they leave scars...")

tashikani ne. ore tachi, kono sekai de irun no toki de, dose kizui tan da. are wa zettai. demo, hitori doka, nakama to ishoni doka, ikite ireba, kizu zettai ierun da.
(how true. as long as we live, no doubt we will suffer some injuries, that's certain. but whether or not we are alone or with people we treasure, as long as we are alive, the injuries will heal)

dakara, arigatou. mata nakushi jatan da. demo kondo no namida wa kanashimi no namida janai, ureshi no namida desu.
(that's why, thank you. although i cried again, but this time wasn't tears of sadness, but rather tears of joy)

omoi dashita, naze anime no saoundo toraku wa dai suki da, toku ni shizukani to heiwa no merodi da. tashikani, kona merodi wa choto kanashi da, demo sono toki, ore zettai, kando ni narimashita. ano merodi, maru de ore ni shabete tan da.
(i just remembered, why i love anime soundtrack so much, especially those melodies that are peaceful and quiet. though they sound quite sad, but at that time, i'll definately be touched. it's as if the melody is speaking to me)

"daijyobu, omae no kanashi, wakatan da, omae hitori janai, mina wa onaji ja."
(it's ok, i understand your sadness, you are not alone, everyone's the same)

honto ni kanshashimashita, ima no inochi de. yokereba, ore honto ni, ima no jotai de tsuzukete. dakara, Raiin wa modori mashita. haha, nigasa nai wa yo, kondo koso.
(i'm really greatful for the live i'm leading now. if possible, i want it to continue on. because Raiin has returned, and haha this time i'm not letting her escape)

wakatan da, ore mada mada da. dakara kondo Raiin, mata yoroshiku onegaishi masu. yorokon no mono, mata tsukuru desho? ishoni ore tachi no shiyawase ni sagasete.
(i know i still have a long way to go. that's why Raiin, i'll need your guidance again. let's rebuild those that we enjoy, and search for our happiness)

okaieri, Raiin...
(welcome back, Raiin)

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

waiting for ah ma to finish her blog to bejewel.

i must be crazy, this is the second post of the day... whahahahaha.

was looking and reading my archives, and i realise this blog consisted nothing more than all my unhappy thoughts and encounter.

considering these days i've been blogging about happy or neutral stuff.

great improvement?

was listening to home sweet home from naruto's first movie. pretty sad major song. ok sounds contradicting whahaha.

but i realise, the importance of keeping myself happy.

the blog is something that kept track of my problems. and i find that many things, many problems were put on hold.

there are things that were more managable now, but then i'm just afraid that those problems might catch up with me.

i know law of attraction works by focusing on things that you want.

right now, i need the strength and will power to focus on the things i want, seeing how just reading my past archives can turn my mood.

but then, i'm not worried for myself, i'm more worried for others. esp my dad.

i'll do my best to focus on what i want, and i hope the universe can co-operate with me.

i want to see a miracle, like how ah ma managed to change all the stores everywhere to sell dresses

in fact, i need the miracle...

2nd post of the day, i must be mad... writing one post after another... one thing that i have never done before...

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

was watching anime all the way for 4 hours straight, or even more that that. until 4.30 AM in the morning.

i remember somewhere before these posts i said 'welcome back Raiin'. and i guess, that was the pure evidence that she had returned. i find myself laughing, even though it was like freaking unearthly. i find myself tearing, wiping tears away with a piece of overused tissue.

call me emotional, but i'm sorry i have to be myself. at each impending moment, i find myself either about to burst out in joy, clenching my fists waiting to punch the screen, or reaching for a piece of tissue.

i love the way how they can trust each other to watch their backs, come at the very moment they need help, most importantly, learn to rely on others.

the 3rd one sounds weak and wrong to many others. i myself once was an advocate of ultimate independence.

you fight, you win, your victory.
you fight, you lose, your fault.

and all these time, i portray Raiin to be someone striving, if not already reached the point where she'll fight, she'll win, perfect victory all the time.

but that day when i was daydreaming (as usual), Raiin said something "at times, you must also learn to rely on your friends."

then at this point, a long long long long ancient history long anime popped into my mind. and a phrase rang in my ears as i paused to think about what Raiin said.

"a team is built to bring out each individual's strength, not hinder them."

you are in a team, because someone in there has a strength that will cover your weakness.

i'm surprised to hear Raiin say that. to hear myself say that.

as the night went on, i scoured through 50 over episodes, 2 movies, replaying the scenes that are worth taking note of.

dreaming certainly takes you travelling, cross the boundaries of realism and virtuality.

i saw Raiin leading a life where everyone shares each others' happiness and sorrow, where there'll always be someone to watch your back, where you can wake up everyday feeling that there's a purpose in life and that you aren't worthless, and that you have the power to overcome any challenge that come your way. someone who can walk the streets saying hi to people with a slap on the back and a punch in the fist, someone who laugh for all she cares with a laughing crowd, someone who can fight back an assailant with people by her side, and more importantly, someone who isn't worthless and insignificant, that people will come tell her troubles and she'll go punch that idiot in the face, and that people come to her for help which she can go all out to help.

i don't have material wealth, i don't have talent, i don't possess a great mind, but at least, i have Raiin to lead the life i want.

someday, i hope i can lead Raiin's life in real life. perhaps not the exact same thing, certainly not the roof hopping ninja and life-saving medic and wall punching destroyer, but at least, someone who wakes up knowing someone or some matter out there needs my help, that i'm worth something.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


for once, pool was fun... dunno why but for some reason Bro's skills plundered that day and i got a few lucky shots. whahaha, talk about lucky. sunk 3 in a row. incredible. nice game bro, let's play again soon.

ever since ah ma and bro's piano lessons started, everytime i pass by my piano, i have the sudden urge to play, whatever song that came to me at that time. i love just how each song reminds me of days when those songs were significant. band days, syf competition, piano exam, watching anime, laughing and joking with friends, all the fanfics that i wrote, all that i've brainstormed, blah blah blah.

ah ma was right when she said 'we force you to be in touch with your piano'. hahaha!! quite true.

and watching bro sitting at the piano for hours and hours without stop just repeating those few melodies really knocked some senses into me. others, they have the relentless spirit that when they want something, they'll fight for it, they'll get it, and they never give up. i've heard of these people, practicing until their hands bleed, this and that. but never have i came so close to meeting one. Bro, you certainly rang wo da kai yen jian, rang wo zhi dao ren wai you ren, tian wai you tian.

compared to my attitude, once i hit the melodies that require more than my usual share of techniques, be it quavers and semi-quavers, jazz tune or whatever, i'll just turn the page and give up. up till now, i realise other than my exam pieces and a few songs which really really appealed to me, i have never finish one song completely.

i missed my clarinet suddenly. i missed playing with the entire ensemble of guitar. i missed playing with the band.

to bro:

bro, jia you. i know you love playing piano, perhaps more than i do. your progress have really shocked the both of us, but we believe you can do it. persevere on! my 'brother' is always available to play haha. i believe you have the talent, just waiting to be made known to you. i know you have the passion for music, and that you just need a little push and you're off. jia you bro, i have faith in you, and you have my fullest support in learning music.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Saturday, November 1, 2008


it's been some time i updated, but i really have a lot to say.

i know it's over, and that we all did great. i apologise, not for the mistakes that i made during the presentation or the preparations, but for my undermining everyone's efforts by emo-ing. we did great. and we all learn out of this presentation.

a lot of things has happened now that i look back at the short two to three weeks. it seemed to me like a roller coaster ride, crazy at that point, but after that it seem nothing at all. going by law of attraction, what did i asked for, believed in and received that made all these happen?

was watching happily never after that time, there was this phrase that came out. "do i get what i want? do i want what i get?"

in fact i ask myself, whatever happened to me that sort of changed me to be like this? i know in the past this is not who i am. i wouldn't be able to do all that i have done today if i was still the 'me' in the past. it's kinda scary if you look at it from both sides. through the eyes of the old me, i'll probably freak out. but through the eyes of the me now, i think it's ok.

how incredible people change.

but ultimately, i think the most incredible thing about life is how the tables turn, universe manipulates to whatever we have today. things that you never thought will happen, happened for the most wildest of reasons. thing you never expected in your wildest dreams turns up at your doorsteps. things you never wanted, be it good or bad, manages to squeeze itself into your life.

perspectives change, that's why the things that you want last time expires in today's life. but i guess it's the living in the now that matters. and i believe in the analogy, that life is like a river. from birth, you flow, at death, you empty into the sea. at times it's peaceful, others is in rapids. people step into your life, step out, but you are constantly changing yourself, you can never step into the same river twice.

but unlike the river, changes in human takes time, it might be valid to change yourself now, but by the time the change is complete, it might be useless at that point. this is where people get their disappointments.

i am, disappointed. but i don't feel the need to regret, because i know that was what i wanted. and though it might seem mundane and lifeless, compared to people having fun, i guess a little paraphrasing and looking at it from another perspective, does seem to work. it doesn't really matter. because i know, i should and have to live for myself, at least at this moment.

bro said something about me last night, or rather this morning that the paraphrasing seem to throw realization into me.

"ni tai zhi zhuo le. zhe shi ni de you dian, ye shi ni de que dian"

i really wanted to laugh. spot on, bro. that's why many times i said to pal, i really wish i had ning's attitude.

"tian ta xia lai dang bei gai"

what will come, will come, and when it's over, leave it and don't look back, except to take with you the lessons you learn and change for the better.

what will come will come, that i can't stop

take with you the lessons you learn, yeah i can do that, i have good memory

change for the better, i'm trying

leave it and don't look back. hahaha that's where i need to learn.

i'm thankful for everything i have, the friends i have, and the life i'm leading now.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.: