Tuesday, June 17, 2008


well, skipped out of lesson this morning so i could squeeze some time to study for PSY250, turns out the exam slaughtered me. wendy gave me a scare by tugging my jacket as i was leaving the hall. quote you HW Lee, i 'skipped a beat'. hur hur. sorry, back to the no mood for laughing.

and for some reason, the movie Bedazzled just popped into my mind just as i was eating lunch in front of the com and ya, i just wanted to watch that last part.

'The whole God and Devil thing, it all boils down to you. You don't have to look very hard for heaven and hell, they are right here on earth.'

i just wanted to hear that line for some reason. and i did. turns out, after hearing Sister Hazel's 'Change your mind' at the end of the movie, i felt rather great. i mean, ya, if you can't have something, change your mind about it, and look at it another way, or look for something else. there is something for everyone right?

so i felt great when i stepped out of house. only to be dashed upon reaching home, and another movie, something that i didn't get to finish, but something i wanted to watch for some reason, just came up on my screen while i was eating dinner and throw me into confusion.

the reason why i didn't finish that movie that time, was partially it didn't load as fast, and also another reason which i seem to have forgotten.

frankly, at the beginning of the movie, i was already feeling quite bad about it, and thank a million i didn't catch it in the theaters. so i should say that at least there's a saving grace in me not stepping into the theaters for so long...

and for some reason, i came back home today, and just wanted to do something before i get down to work, and didn't want to maple, or go msn, partially due to some other issues again... i seem to have a lot of issues huh...?

shrugs

and somehow, that movie just popped out and ya. watched it. and i realised why i didn't want to finish that the other time.

but what it was said inside, was true. i mean, that's the reason why i hate fairytales. they are simply not true.

and if that's the case, i should just admit it. i am after all, right? and what's the point of doing everything for hopes that things might turn out the other way, when i know the solution lies in the other direction, or it simply does not exist?!

and as hard as i try, i still couldn't keep myself from taking tissue to wipe my eyes. i mean, ya, i am emotional, and when you are hit by a truth that hurts, well, the truth always hurts anyway, you sometimes cannot help but just let loose a few tears.

but it's not like i don't know it myself. i already knew it, right from quite some time ago, maybe even longer than that. maybe even for years, and i just didn't want to acknowledge it, accept it, and live with it.

so i'm really confused. is denial more painful, or is realization more hurting? and i really don't know, because right now, i'm stuck between these two ends, unable to pin point where the infliction comes from.

and seriously, i got to stop dreaming. i don't give a damn about what the old lady says that 'if you don't pursue your dreams, you die'. because some dreams are really not worth pursuing, not if you know the outcome is just emptiness.

and lastly i got to stop fantasising. they are the number one evidence that i'm always in denial. and sometimes, to some extent, i cannot differentiate real life from fantasy. it seems it was there for me to grab, but when i reach out only to realise it's all in my head.

and i realise, despite saying this for god knows how many times, i need to revert myself back to my original self. and all these while, i'm reverting to the wrong one. and i think it's time, to go back to how it was last time, where i can at least keep my sanity and know what i'm doing at the same time.

we have our parts to play, and ya, we should play them well. and just accept the no reason why you are assigned this place. and just take those spoken or unspoken, insults or not, just take them.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Friday, June 13, 2008


fighting against the stupid flu/sore throat/headache/giddy/eyes closing/sick-ness i'm suffering from now, i shall type this post as best as i can to make it like my usual posts.

firstly, oh ya, haha. project on wednesday with the girls was a complete blast. angie joined us and we had so much fun dressing up gothic and putting on makeup to make ourselves look gothic and schoolgirl-ish.

let me be bimbo, noob and geek to say that was my first time putting on make up. f3. ya, i think i totally screwed the eyeliner when i drew my eyes and i somehow poked my eye a few times. f7. and after looking at the mirror after my powdered face, i realise the feeling irritation every time i go out and look at mirrors outside can be somehow eliminated if i just sneak into mumie's bathroom. f2.

and ya, frankly my look wasn't that gothic, at least not as gothic as huiwen- i mean Olivia Lee's look, but at least it was somehow fit for a musician in a band and i posed with an electric guitar!!!!!

had dinner at brother's house, i swear her house is so much nicer than mine... and her mum and auntie's cooking just rocked. thanks for the dinner!!!! haha your brother was so funny.

went to maid cafe after that. ya, to quote you, Olivia Lee, i 'skipped a beat' when i reached there. the place was so prominent and not a cafe hiding in a corner! and ya, there are maids serving there. f7. well duh.. it's not a maid cafe for nothing...

their cheese cake was omg! f6f6f6f6f6 it's such a perfect blend with strawberry and cheese cake!!!! ohmaigawd!!!!! their buttered pasta!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! it's even better than pastamania's creamy chicken!!! omg!!!!!

and the only bad thing about the place is that guy we spoke to. the boss. frankly, somehow, my cultural analysis is going to be screwed thanks to you. because, he's the typical kind of people you meet, who you ask A, he'll tell you B. you ask him this, he'll tell you something else.

so, i'm suppose to blame myself for it on the analysis sheet that there was a communication breakdown? because frankly, after stepping out of the mrt and after bidding dear Olivia Lee bye i realise, he didn't answer any of my questions.... f3f1f3f1.

nevermind. one day, i shall learn to take alcohol and drink with my friends. and make buttered pasta!!!!! and cheese cake!!!! omg

well, after a day of fun, the next day was great! cos LESSON CANCELED! whahaha!!!!! slept until 2pm, woke up and rushed through lunch and bath before mummie comes home and started on the cultural analysis. after that. somehow, my day was rather ruined by the same people again.

frankly. i hate to say this. and pardon my Qian, for being so negative about it, but after tolerating that throbbing headache and sorethroat i have to say this. he is being such a kid. and i wonder why the freaking hell i stayed in the guild with such an irritating temperature tamper-er. well my reason is rather clear, because of Tree, for our entertainment purpose, Shinn, cos frankly he's the first friend i made in there, Les, who for some reason keeps calling me Jie despite me being mean to him, Dovely, who was rather shocked when i temporarily left guild to check stuff and started pm-ing me, Shaun, for some reason turns out to be rather nice base on that attempt to get me to the bbq when i thought he was an emo person, Kang, who ever stop calling me old and lizard although i hated it, and lastly because of you Xiao Qiang and Firebird being my best friends in there.

and so? everytime he stepps in, something will happen. either temperature drops, ok scratch that, that's a fact. and then? take yesterday for it. what's wrong with her best friend going to find her? and what's with the 'don't bully my little cockroach tml'? frankly the bullying part i can ignore. but what happen after that i simply cannot understand take it that it really did happen.

like i've said many times already, be it joking or not. 'ask him go die'.

that's all i have got to say.

today's lesson was a complete disaster. the sorethroat i had made me step into NTUC to buy a whole pack of strepsils to school, and upon reaching i was once again sitting near the aircon without a jacket. and the whole time i couldn't concentrate what the teacher was talking about. and lastly i bombed that quiz. f5.

sorry to Wendy, for being rather angsty. i didn't mean to be that but i was really having a headache and the aircon is killing me.

happy belated 21 birthday to Einstein, who finally showed up in school to receive her cake which was kept for 2 days.

cabbing home with Einstein, Yvonne and Olivia Lee was fun, laughing and commenting, the usual stuff.

and i realise, just how important normality in life is.

ok, i'll go in maple for a while to see things, and after that i'm back to bed. frankly, i've been neglecting Grimmjow for quite some time... but sorry darling, i'm always super tired. promise will go back to HTS5 soon.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Saturday, June 7, 2008


once again, i find myself thinking about that fallacy, fallacy of approval.

i guess i always try my best to seek approval from everyone, even those whom i don't really like. somehow, being a perfectionist in training, i guess it comes naturally to me that everything must go according to plan, and anything deviates, no matter how small is intolerable.

but frankly, the definition of everyone and everything does have a boundary no matter how broad it encompasses. for me, it is important how my friends view me. friends, acquaintances, people i know. to me it is important how people view me, and how they treat me.

i know i'm rather sensitive, to the extent that if anyone who sees how my brain works would probably think i'm a freak and run away. (haha) but i can't help it. i pay attention to details, like how my friends talk to me, the extend of what they tell me.

i know, by now, some of my old friends would have realise why i keep asking 'are you ok' and 'what happen to you' out of nothing. yes i know i'm rather irriating when i do that. and somehow, i usually choose the wrong time to ask, and therefore irritate my friends further. or sometimes i don't even say, and end up i don't know anything at all.

regardless of which, my friends are way much important to me than they might think, after all, i am the only child at home, and the only people whom i talk to other than my parents are my friends. and somehow it'll just kill me to sit beside a friend whom i know and not talk to them.

and what i worry most is people disliking me. i know from secondary school onwards that i'm a rather hatable person no matter where i go, it just sort of kicked in that i'm always the one on a different frequency with my peers. and sometimes despite me saying that i'm used to being the last to know everything, i actually hate it. and i know how horrible it feels, which is why i usually tell the others what i know that they'll probably want to know.

and sometimes i know from people's, pardon my COM225 terms again, non verbal cues, i can tell if someone doesn't wants to talk to me. and it just sort of natural that i would wonder what did i do wrong to the person.

by the time you get down to reading this part, i'm sure whoever's reading this would be rather annoyed and thinking 'what's wrong with this person'. but somehow, it all seems like a natural process to me. that i seek approval, and not be hated by others.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!!GO TO HELL!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!

just let me vent out my frustrations from school work, emo people and incoherent responses.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:

Monday, June 2, 2008


finally i can blog, stupid blogger just won't let me load. anyway, despite my respect and the crumbling impression of dear Sempai, and despite all the help you gave and the items and the mesos, and whatever you did, one acronym is enough to describe what happened last night, or rather this morning.

"WTF"

pardon my language for those who don't hear me swear often, but this is the only phrase i can come up with at this moment.

and frankly, i think, as far as communication is concern, i think i can just drop the major and go do business or something. and as far as a human is concern, i think i can just forget about trying to understand people, especially guys.

with the exception of some of those whom i've met in school, who, fortunately HAVE completed NS and for some reason is classified under Gentlemen, i shall assume that the people whom i've met ever since the start of that 'all hell broke loose', and especially guys, are just wolf in sheep skin, or phantoms with masks.

don't get me wrong, i'm not in any way harmed by these frauds, although perhaps the poor brain cells and the poor minutes and hours i've lost trying to find out what happen, and oblige to their requests, none of which, rest assured, required more than pressing the keys of my keyboard.

and one thing i cannot stand, is when they emo.

you guys, SUCK when you emo, because, for some reason, it is so strange that when girls emo, it's probably those friends around her gets affected and it gets well after a while of talking about it, and everything will be back to normal. and for some other girls, they don't emo at all. BUT for guys, it's a totally different matter. let me emphasize that i'm referring to those i met after 'all hell broke loose' which literately translate into 'Maple Story', and the ABnormal guys that dwell in there. you guys have the tendency, in front of the computer screen to BLOW up out of nothing. sometimes even without fire and wood you guys can still go inferno.

already global warming is bad enough, and you people still want to create more heat.

and sometimes, for some reason, they have the power to alter temperature, and instead of going hot boil lava, they turn the entire place into the deepest darkest cave in Antarctica where the temperature unfortuanely cannot be measured on the Kelvin scale because it's WAY pass the absolute zero marking.

i know we are having hot weather now, but there's no need to turn the place into Antarctica Version 2.

and now, i have begun to realise, ok scratch that. now i FULLY UNDERSTAND what it was written in the COM225 book last semester when they talked about communication styles between Man and Woman. and i think it's freaking true, so i shall take note of it.

so my message to these emo idiots, if you can't understand what we are talking about, freaking hell get out of our sight, in my case, my map.

to this particular sempai, which i think i shall cease to address you as that, if you can't understand what i'm saying, forget it. if you don't believe me, forget it.

but get this straight. i never run away from a confrontation. you suck, if you think i'm a coward that i was trying to run away this morning by saying i have a class. because unlike you, i don't have all the time in the world to speak to emo people who thinks it's people's fault other than their own that they fall hard, and that they don't do anything to help themselves.

and i'm being calculative? as a friend no matter to who as long a i did something wrong i'll apologise, you don't want to accept it, FINE!

lastly, i was trying to be nice after hearing what you told me because i treat you as my FRIEND and SEMPAI, you suck, for all that you keep throwing at me.

if you think you're smart enough to say that people with Grade8 music don't understand how it feels like to not excel just because of a piece of certificate, which you say it's important to you the level of education you receive comapred to others, you are truly the most idiosyncratic, ignorant, insensitive, irritating and incorrigible IDOIT who wallow in self pity but forbids others to do so and refuse to acknowledge your own mistakes and do something about it.

in a nutshell, you suck big time.

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.: