Tuesday, April 29, 2008
play it well when i'm super angsty
yes, i find that i can play Taiko no Tatsujin, in case you guys dunno what that is, it's that drumming game at the arcade, well on the psp when i'm super angsty about some things.
in fact, maple isn't the outlet anymore, hitting monsters and stuffs like that can no longer satisfy my needs of venting out anger and passing time.
and mind you, it's not really those weirdos i met in there that turn me off...
perhaps it is already conditioned, that i have in fact lost interest in that game as i've thank someone in particular earlier.
and sadly taiko no tatsujin is so much interesting that i can even get 100% hit when i take like eons just to level in maple.
in fact, i was suddenly reminded just now about something...
"Suen, a word of advice. never come in maple when you're not feeling good. you'll feel worse after that, i have experience. it's the people here you meet."
Mr Campfire loaded with petrol and gasoline and oil said this to me, and i find it super ironic at this point of time, after the whole hoo-haa about sub chracters and membership...
and if you are not happy about me not answering your questions when you demand it when i'm under the request of your dearly beloved, and the way i answer your questions with rhetorical questions, feel free to blow up. because you have absolutely no reason to be on my good side because i'm not going to continue to be subjected to your usage of putting in good words in front of your dearly beloved, or at the very least not to talk behind your back. we are not talking economics here, where demand equals to supply.
and in light of the issue with the levels and stuff like these, i'm sick and tired of being invisible all the time and playing little miss smiley 'hiya'. frankly i hate the feeling of being in somewhere and don't feel belonged at all. and i'm really sick and tired of experiencing the almighty debilitative emotion:
fallacies of approval
and all the more i sign in, seeing that little title under my name and watching the chat box fill with things i don't feel like knowing and seeing even when closed, the more irritable i get.
and i'm ignoring my mother's weird stares of me playing psp and the com at the same time with two different musics creating noise in the house.
but at the same time, i feel compelled to not drag innocent people into my ranting because there are people who make me feel 'yes, i am a Gu@rd!@n', and not some poor lost soul out there.
and i sincerly thank these 6 people.
l0++@l!, ph03n!xqu33n, Sempai, l3s, f!0n, and d0v3ly
for making Eliard your friend.
frankly, it was only a game.
people just have to go in there and complicate things.
play it well when i'm super angsty
yes, i find that i can play Taiko no Tatsujin, in case you guys dunno what that is, it's that drumming game at the arcade, well on the psp when i'm super angsty about some things.
in fact, maple isn't the outlet anymore, hitting monsters and stuffs like that can no longer satisfy my needs of venting out anger and passing time.
and mind you, it's not really those weirdos i met in there that turn me off...
perhaps it is already conditioned, that i have in fact lost interest in that game as i've thank someone in particular earlier.
and sadly taiko no tatsujin is so much interesting that i can even get 100% hit when i take like eons just to level in maple.
in fact, i was suddenly reminded just now about something...
"Suen, a word of advice. never come in maple when you're not feeling good. you'll feel worse after that, i have experience. it's the people here you meet."
Mr Campfire loaded with petrol and gasoline and oil said this to me, and i find it super ironic at this point of time, after the whole hoo-haa about sub chracters and membership...
and if you are not happy about me not answering your questions when you demand it when i'm under the request of your dearly beloved, and the way i answer your questions with rhetorical questions, feel free to blow up. because you have absolutely no reason to be on my good side because i'm not going to continue to be subjected to your usage of putting in good words in front of your dearly beloved, or at the very least not to talk behind your back. we are not talking economics here, where demand equals to supply.
and in light of the issue with the levels and stuff like these, i'm sick and tired of being invisible all the time and playing little miss smiley 'hiya'. frankly i hate the feeling of being in somewhere and don't feel belonged at all. and i'm really sick and tired of experiencing the almighty debilitative emotion:
fallacies of approval
and all the more i sign in, seeing that little title under my name and watching the chat box fill with things i don't feel like knowing and seeing even when closed, the more irritable i get.
and i'm ignoring my mother's weird stares of me playing psp and the com at the same time with two different musics creating noise in the house.
but at the same time, i feel compelled to not drag innocent people into my ranting because there are people who make me feel 'yes, i am a Gu@rd!@n', and not some poor lost soul out there.
and i sincerly thank these 6 people.
l0++@l!, ph03n!xqu33n, Sempai, l3s, f!0n, and d0v3ly
for making Eliard your friend.
frankly, it was only a game.
people just have to go in there and complicate things.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Monday, April 28, 2008
of trust...
thanks to my mummie, i nearly screamed when i went into the bathroom moments ago... she lit a candle there for the stupid aroma thingy and ended up, i thought it was... nevermind.
frankly.. i'm not used to people being nice to me. i'm pessimistic so i naturally didn't think people would be nice to me, but mummie taught me to be nice to others, so unless necessary, i usually won't shout at people.
i mean, after all we live in a world of deception, and there, is where the greatest deceptors thrive. so going in with a mentality that 'everyone is out to scam you', it is not hard to think otherwise, unless that person is your friend, whom you know in real life.
but it makes me think that, we have been telling ourselves that people are bad, people are out to scam you, while we don't do it, that makes us good guys, and others bad guys.
but the whole world, there isn't just us, as in ourselves are the good guys, there are others. and we are discrediting them for being good guys just because we didn't see them. and the same can be said for them.
that's why i prefer to help others, and feel guilty after being helped.
contradicting myself, when i don't get help, i rant about it, thinking that people should help me when they have the power. contradicting, stubborn, wishful, wilful. i know.
i find it weird... sometimes, people come to me for help. others, i can help, but nobody comes to me. i can never figure out why. perhaps, because people don't know me so they come, while those who know me, won't come because they think i can't help. i don't know.
and when people come to me, i can stare at the request for a long time, and i can never figure out, why people, different people, come to me with the same problem... coincidence? i don't think so anymore.
but as i look at the problem... coupled with the outcome of reading COM225 book studiously that night, i realise, people didn't come to me for help.
they came to me for reassurance, for support. that someone agrees with their decision and supports them.
and that's where i realise, that's the job of an effective communicator.
there is a difference between counselor and communicator. counselor needs good communication skills, but communicator doesn't necessarily need to be able to counsel people.
and there is where i realise again, that all these while.. i've been doing the wrong thing. i've been doing what a counselor is doing, and not what a communicator should be doing.
communicator, is harder than being a counselor, that's what i think. counselor presents what is right, while communicator would have to look at the situation and present what is right by the time of the situation, and present what is right for the situation at the appropriate time with the appropriate way.
and it is not an easy job as i see it. because it requires you to think. and think fast. that's probably why they have an entire degree dedicated to communication... haha, perhaps.
but to me, i want to be a counselor and a communicator. because i really want to help, and help in a constructive way. nevermind about people not helping me, but at least, my conscience will be clear. that i helped others when i could. it's not going to be easy, but we all are learning an making mistakes. but for my part, at least, there are some mistakes that i shouldn't be making anymore. like my previous entry has said, and what i've learnt from COM225 book.
i saw something just now, when i saw how close some people were in Gu@rd!@nz, in the absence of someone's presence. and i realise how insignificant i was, not just by level, but also the little things that binded them together, which i lacked. it's not that i didn't try my best, everytime i talk or make a comment, silence follow. and then i asked myself, why.
perhaps, i shouldn't be trying to seek approval from everyone. fallacies of approval is a debliltative emotion. i should be seeking approval from the people whom i have as friends and family and that they need my help. what i have, i should be treasuring them, and not out to seek approval from people who i know never in a million years would pay a shred of attention to me.
Qian asked me this question just moments ago... 'If u had one choice, would u love someone who might not reciprocate, or would u rather be loved?'
my answer to that question is that i want both. someone i love and who loves me back. and if i really can't have it, i'll take the latter.
then she gave me a reply that brought out the Raiin in me.
and after that, my answer was back to my old self. 'if i can't have it, then i don't want it at all'.
it's nice to be loved, and there might be a chance you'll love that person back. after all, 'we form relationship with people whom we are familiar with' and 'we tend to view those who are of close proximity to us as the more physically attractive ones'. As infered from COM225 book.
but then, i rememberd someone close to me, being in that category. and i remember a silent oath i swore when i knew about it.
and i remembered the time i liked someone whom i know won't reciprocate. and i remembered how painful and detrimental the consequences were.
and so, i was reminded about my answer. 'if i can't have it, then i don't want it at all'.
afterall, why torture yourself, since both sides are painful, might as well take the middle path, where it is neither painful nor satisfying. at least, the damage is smaller...
and as i typed on, i looked up at my wall at Grimmjow's pictures. and i asked myself, aren't i loving someone whom i know won't reciprocate because he simply does not exisit?
my answer came swiftly as i remembered Zeph's words. 'that's why we fantasize'.
because simply fantasizing, i live in a world where i can get what i want. 'someone to love, and who loves me back'.
yes i know, it's super shameless to think that Grimmjow would love me.
but compare to the real world, where true love is one of a million chance, wouldn't fantasy be that middle road that is neither painful nor satisfying? and that the middle road can be taliored to be which every way you want it to be?
to be honest, my version of Grimmjow has none of his ruthlessness, none of his temper, and none of his impatience. and to be super honest, i merely borrowed his looks and name to fit in someone whom i imagined to be Mr. Right. and isn't this the best evidence of taking the middle road with fantasizing?
unlike some of my friends who are blessed with good nature and personality and character and looks, i have yet to bring any of my thoughts and views on the subject on love into real life. but as i remembered Qian's words, 'that's why i took the plunge when it came to him', i realise how right all the veterans out there were saying. 'grab the opportunity, if not, once it's gone, it's gone forever'.
and i realise how much things i've missed in my life, not in terms of love, but small little things that i could have enjoyed, but gave it up for a shorter term pleasure.
like hours ago, when i suddenly had the motivation to go out cycling.
i saw a huge field with tons of families flying kites. i counted, there were 15 kites in the air, and 7 on the ground waiting to take off. all the kids and dogs and mothers and fathers were laughing and jumping.
in the next field i saw many models of helicopters and planes controlled by youngsters and old guys alike, with kids chasing them around the field.
i stood there, in the middle of the road watching the two fields together, and asked myself, why wasn't i out on sundays cycling and watching these people have fun instead if cooping up at home for nothing?
as i cycled on, i saw another huge gigantic field that was bordered by trees, it was a field that i loved most out of the entire cycling route, because it gave me a sense of nature ad that there were no buildings, no tower cranes, no traffic lights, no lamp posts to spoil the whole scene. and in the middle, there was a motorcycle, and not too far away was a couple sitting on the grass in each other's arms.
my reaction was, 'awwww, how sweet'.
then i cycled on, and i saw a building out of no where. and it was a new buddhist centre, with the laughing buddha's statue right at the door. and i remembered countless times i walk past a similar statue and my mum insisted i bow and touch the statue's laughing mouth because it'll make me smile more often.
my question to myself was 'when was the last time i went out with my mother?'
afterwards i went past another building out of no where. it was a new community centre, Anchorvale Community Centre, with people playing badminton in the courts and people gathering to talk.
i was thinking, 'when was the last time i held a badminton racket?' and 'how many years ago was that when i still ran around Punggol Community Centre with a bunch of kids on the block? where are they now? are they doing good? whatever happened to that particular friend whom until now i still couldn't bring myself to ask how is he doing each time i see him?'
then i cycled on, and reached the cannal where around this time last year, i saw the phenomenal sight of thousands of jellyfishes. and i stopped there, looking down into the water, and there i saw, bobbing in the murky water was a yellow jellyfish with 4 missing tentacles, being left behind by the school.
then i asked myself 'why didn't i remember to come out to cycle so i can see the jellyfishes again?'
as i stared at the jellyfish bobbing in and out of sight, someone familiar cycled past me. i turn to look and saw him wearing a shirt with 'SRJC' printed on it's back. and coincidentally i was wearing my Draco shirt. and after a while i remembered, that's Isabella's friend.
then i asked myself 'how many people i missed knowing because i simply didn't make the first move of approaching them?' 'how many more people i will miss because i didn't make the move of recontacting them?'
and as i cycled home, at 7.15, when i was supposed to reach home by 7, i saw a beautiful sunset just beyond seng kang and hougang.
and i said to myself, 'if i hadn't stopped to rest while looking at the jellyfish, i would have missed this sunset for the hundredth time i cycle pass this route.'
throughout the whole cycling journey, i was singing out loud. literately. i was sure those joggers found me crazy. but who cares? i sang!
and as i came home, my butt hurt like there's no tomorrow thanks to my mum who adjusted my seat, my legs aching from all the uphill and against the wind routes, and my legs wobbling and numb as i nearly stumbled down the stairs and fell in the shower, i felt great. not because i got off my lazy butt to go exercise, but because i saw many things. and despite loosing momentum for god knows how many times today, i felt relieved, because those moments made me stop to think, and enjoy the little things that i might have missed if i just whizzed pass like always...
of trust...
thanks to my mummie, i nearly screamed when i went into the bathroom moments ago... she lit a candle there for the stupid aroma thingy and ended up, i thought it was... nevermind.
frankly.. i'm not used to people being nice to me. i'm pessimistic so i naturally didn't think people would be nice to me, but mummie taught me to be nice to others, so unless necessary, i usually won't shout at people.
i mean, after all we live in a world of deception, and there, is where the greatest deceptors thrive. so going in with a mentality that 'everyone is out to scam you', it is not hard to think otherwise, unless that person is your friend, whom you know in real life.
but it makes me think that, we have been telling ourselves that people are bad, people are out to scam you, while we don't do it, that makes us good guys, and others bad guys.
but the whole world, there isn't just us, as in ourselves are the good guys, there are others. and we are discrediting them for being good guys just because we didn't see them. and the same can be said for them.
that's why i prefer to help others, and feel guilty after being helped.
contradicting myself, when i don't get help, i rant about it, thinking that people should help me when they have the power. contradicting, stubborn, wishful, wilful. i know.
i find it weird... sometimes, people come to me for help. others, i can help, but nobody comes to me. i can never figure out why. perhaps, because people don't know me so they come, while those who know me, won't come because they think i can't help. i don't know.
and when people come to me, i can stare at the request for a long time, and i can never figure out, why people, different people, come to me with the same problem... coincidence? i don't think so anymore.
but as i look at the problem... coupled with the outcome of reading COM225 book studiously that night, i realise, people didn't come to me for help.
they came to me for reassurance, for support. that someone agrees with their decision and supports them.
and that's where i realise, that's the job of an effective communicator.
there is a difference between counselor and communicator. counselor needs good communication skills, but communicator doesn't necessarily need to be able to counsel people.
and there is where i realise again, that all these while.. i've been doing the wrong thing. i've been doing what a counselor is doing, and not what a communicator should be doing.
communicator, is harder than being a counselor, that's what i think. counselor presents what is right, while communicator would have to look at the situation and present what is right by the time of the situation, and present what is right for the situation at the appropriate time with the appropriate way.
and it is not an easy job as i see it. because it requires you to think. and think fast. that's probably why they have an entire degree dedicated to communication... haha, perhaps.
but to me, i want to be a counselor and a communicator. because i really want to help, and help in a constructive way. nevermind about people not helping me, but at least, my conscience will be clear. that i helped others when i could. it's not going to be easy, but we all are learning an making mistakes. but for my part, at least, there are some mistakes that i shouldn't be making anymore. like my previous entry has said, and what i've learnt from COM225 book.
i saw something just now, when i saw how close some people were in Gu@rd!@nz, in the absence of someone's presence. and i realise how insignificant i was, not just by level, but also the little things that binded them together, which i lacked. it's not that i didn't try my best, everytime i talk or make a comment, silence follow. and then i asked myself, why.
perhaps, i shouldn't be trying to seek approval from everyone. fallacies of approval is a debliltative emotion. i should be seeking approval from the people whom i have as friends and family and that they need my help. what i have, i should be treasuring them, and not out to seek approval from people who i know never in a million years would pay a shred of attention to me.
Qian asked me this question just moments ago... 'If u had one choice, would u love someone who might not reciprocate, or would u rather be loved?'
my answer to that question is that i want both. someone i love and who loves me back. and if i really can't have it, i'll take the latter.
then she gave me a reply that brought out the Raiin in me.
and after that, my answer was back to my old self. 'if i can't have it, then i don't want it at all'.
it's nice to be loved, and there might be a chance you'll love that person back. after all, 'we form relationship with people whom we are familiar with' and 'we tend to view those who are of close proximity to us as the more physically attractive ones'. As infered from COM225 book.
but then, i rememberd someone close to me, being in that category. and i remember a silent oath i swore when i knew about it.
and i remembered the time i liked someone whom i know won't reciprocate. and i remembered how painful and detrimental the consequences were.
and so, i was reminded about my answer. 'if i can't have it, then i don't want it at all'.
afterall, why torture yourself, since both sides are painful, might as well take the middle path, where it is neither painful nor satisfying. at least, the damage is smaller...
and as i typed on, i looked up at my wall at Grimmjow's pictures. and i asked myself, aren't i loving someone whom i know won't reciprocate because he simply does not exisit?
my answer came swiftly as i remembered Zeph's words. 'that's why we fantasize'.
because simply fantasizing, i live in a world where i can get what i want. 'someone to love, and who loves me back'.
yes i know, it's super shameless to think that Grimmjow would love me.
but compare to the real world, where true love is one of a million chance, wouldn't fantasy be that middle road that is neither painful nor satisfying? and that the middle road can be taliored to be which every way you want it to be?
to be honest, my version of Grimmjow has none of his ruthlessness, none of his temper, and none of his impatience. and to be super honest, i merely borrowed his looks and name to fit in someone whom i imagined to be Mr. Right. and isn't this the best evidence of taking the middle road with fantasizing?
unlike some of my friends who are blessed with good nature and personality and character and looks, i have yet to bring any of my thoughts and views on the subject on love into real life. but as i remembered Qian's words, 'that's why i took the plunge when it came to him', i realise how right all the veterans out there were saying. 'grab the opportunity, if not, once it's gone, it's gone forever'.
and i realise how much things i've missed in my life, not in terms of love, but small little things that i could have enjoyed, but gave it up for a shorter term pleasure.
like hours ago, when i suddenly had the motivation to go out cycling.
i saw a huge field with tons of families flying kites. i counted, there were 15 kites in the air, and 7 on the ground waiting to take off. all the kids and dogs and mothers and fathers were laughing and jumping.
in the next field i saw many models of helicopters and planes controlled by youngsters and old guys alike, with kids chasing them around the field.
i stood there, in the middle of the road watching the two fields together, and asked myself, why wasn't i out on sundays cycling and watching these people have fun instead if cooping up at home for nothing?
as i cycled on, i saw another huge gigantic field that was bordered by trees, it was a field that i loved most out of the entire cycling route, because it gave me a sense of nature ad that there were no buildings, no tower cranes, no traffic lights, no lamp posts to spoil the whole scene. and in the middle, there was a motorcycle, and not too far away was a couple sitting on the grass in each other's arms.
my reaction was, 'awwww, how sweet'.
then i cycled on, and i saw a building out of no where. and it was a new buddhist centre, with the laughing buddha's statue right at the door. and i remembered countless times i walk past a similar statue and my mum insisted i bow and touch the statue's laughing mouth because it'll make me smile more often.
my question to myself was 'when was the last time i went out with my mother?'
afterwards i went past another building out of no where. it was a new community centre, Anchorvale Community Centre, with people playing badminton in the courts and people gathering to talk.
i was thinking, 'when was the last time i held a badminton racket?' and 'how many years ago was that when i still ran around Punggol Community Centre with a bunch of kids on the block? where are they now? are they doing good? whatever happened to that particular friend whom until now i still couldn't bring myself to ask how is he doing each time i see him?'
then i cycled on, and reached the cannal where around this time last year, i saw the phenomenal sight of thousands of jellyfishes. and i stopped there, looking down into the water, and there i saw, bobbing in the murky water was a yellow jellyfish with 4 missing tentacles, being left behind by the school.
then i asked myself 'why didn't i remember to come out to cycle so i can see the jellyfishes again?'
as i stared at the jellyfish bobbing in and out of sight, someone familiar cycled past me. i turn to look and saw him wearing a shirt with 'SRJC' printed on it's back. and coincidentally i was wearing my Draco shirt. and after a while i remembered, that's Isabella's friend.
then i asked myself 'how many people i missed knowing because i simply didn't make the first move of approaching them?' 'how many more people i will miss because i didn't make the move of recontacting them?'
and as i cycled home, at 7.15, when i was supposed to reach home by 7, i saw a beautiful sunset just beyond seng kang and hougang.
and i said to myself, 'if i hadn't stopped to rest while looking at the jellyfish, i would have missed this sunset for the hundredth time i cycle pass this route.'
throughout the whole cycling journey, i was singing out loud. literately. i was sure those joggers found me crazy. but who cares? i sang!
and as i came home, my butt hurt like there's no tomorrow thanks to my mum who adjusted my seat, my legs aching from all the uphill and against the wind routes, and my legs wobbling and numb as i nearly stumbled down the stairs and fell in the shower, i felt great. not because i got off my lazy butt to go exercise, but because i saw many things. and despite loosing momentum for god knows how many times today, i felt relieved, because those moments made me stop to think, and enjoy the little things that i might have missed if i just whizzed pass like always...
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Monday, April 21, 2008
communication realization
as i mug into the morning, listening to songs that i've searched till i tore my hair out but still unable to find, i realise some fundamental truth that i have been blaming others but myself.
communicators are not great talkers, but
communicators are great listeners,
communicators are great analyzers of situation and content of messages,
communicators are convincing people who make the best out of everything they have,
essentially, there are many minute things in life that requires just a step backwards, such as acknowledging that this isn't the best situation to talk, or not to stage hog, or just to think twice, or even just looking at another perspective.
there are really many others, but i guess one thing i always fail to do,
is to listen.
and shut up.
of all the times i keep saying 'i told you so' to others, to this blog, to myself, i haven't been asking this question:
"did i chose the correct time to say that?'
i know i haven't got a lot of convincing power, but as i read on, beloved textbook, i realise that, communicators all around face the same problem.
"the correct time to speak"
and
"the correct way to put across a message"
instead of trying to convincing others, letting others give themselves opinion, or just making them see the light themselves through listening, seeking clarification, asking questions, paraphrasing, might just be more effective than just telling the person what i think.
because, despite us having a high opinion of ourselves, we must also know that, receivers of our messages are also like who we are.
no one likes to be put across as stupid or dumb by not seeing the light.
neither does people want to go through a whole phase of suggesting a solution only to find that the receivers have already set their minds on another solution.
it does seem like an easy task in communicating, and that everything put across in black and white seems really simple,
but as far as i know, living for not such a long time,
19 years V.S 5 hours of reading a book
i know, all these days i've been ranting on the blog about things regarding communication,
i've been the one contributing to the breakdown.
my dad keeps telling me, the ones who are really wise aren't the ones to be telling others what ought to be, while the ones who rattle all day are the really dumb ones.
i chose to believe that, but didn't realise,
i was that rattling dumb one all along..
if only i had shut up more.
communication realization
as i mug into the morning, listening to songs that i've searched till i tore my hair out but still unable to find, i realise some fundamental truth that i have been blaming others but myself.
communicators are not great talkers, but
communicators are great listeners,
communicators are great analyzers of situation and content of messages,
communicators are convincing people who make the best out of everything they have,
essentially, there are many minute things in life that requires just a step backwards, such as acknowledging that this isn't the best situation to talk, or not to stage hog, or just to think twice, or even just looking at another perspective.
there are really many others, but i guess one thing i always fail to do,
is to listen.
and shut up.
of all the times i keep saying 'i told you so' to others, to this blog, to myself, i haven't been asking this question:
"did i chose the correct time to say that?'
i know i haven't got a lot of convincing power, but as i read on, beloved textbook, i realise that, communicators all around face the same problem.
"the correct time to speak"
and
"the correct way to put across a message"
instead of trying to convincing others, letting others give themselves opinion, or just making them see the light themselves through listening, seeking clarification, asking questions, paraphrasing, might just be more effective than just telling the person what i think.
because, despite us having a high opinion of ourselves, we must also know that, receivers of our messages are also like who we are.
no one likes to be put across as stupid or dumb by not seeing the light.
neither does people want to go through a whole phase of suggesting a solution only to find that the receivers have already set their minds on another solution.
it does seem like an easy task in communicating, and that everything put across in black and white seems really simple,
but as far as i know, living for not such a long time,
19 years V.S 5 hours of reading a book
i know, all these days i've been ranting on the blog about things regarding communication,
i've been the one contributing to the breakdown.
my dad keeps telling me, the ones who are really wise aren't the ones to be telling others what ought to be, while the ones who rattle all day are the really dumb ones.
i chose to believe that, but didn't realise,
i was that rattling dumb one all along..
if only i had shut up more.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
is grimmjow home?
why do i feel like i have taken in all his temper and aggression?
but then again, maybe that's a good thing,
afterall,
i'm Mrs. Jaegerjaques.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Sunday, April 20, 2008
hell bent on getting angry (3rd edited version. the first and second version was, i think too harsh, but that was what i felt originally when i typed it out, but in light of being a communicator and that i don't want to hurt the innocent, i decided to edit this whole thing.)
this entry was originally hell bent on venting out all frustrations and agony and the fact that i once again slept at daybreak due to a series of unfortunate and entirely unforseen circumstances which has NOTHING WHAT SO EVER TO DO WITH ME
apparently i should have read that chapter on conflict mangement and did Honolulu's assignment and that particular lesson seriously.
as a communication major, i am ashamed to say i failed dramatically, BUT
it's not my fault if people out there are materialistic and superficial and under that mask which says 'lvl doesn't matter, just have fun', they truely mean the opposite.
want me to say something else? you guys have no common sense to tell that something big has happened and continue to type blatent STUPID things yadda yadda yadda.
but once again, it just goes to show that whoever made me, has decided to replace my convincing power with some other minute abilities that has yet to come to use.
it happened 3 times already. and i swear ON PAIN OF DEATH, i'm not going to say anymore, unless being asked. fair enough?
frankly i should be able to go back to psy 101 at 11 or 11.30 i freaking hell can't remember. but just as everything was going well, bombshell was dropped and all hell broke loose, for the infiniteth time that i CANNOT BE BOTHERED to keep track.
surprisingly, the previous time i was hell freaked out, but this time, now that i looked at the situation, i was pretty calm. i still had the mood to stare at my notes, although nothing got in.
things got pretty complicated here and there, but all i can say is that, i saw no concrete link of the element that lead to the huge conflict. or perhaps there was no link in the first place.
but an avenue to vent out accumulated frustration from one individual?
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
nevermind, instead of saying everything, i should just accept the fact that
i'm a noob who nobody BOTHERS to listen except one or two kind souls, and you are the one who can click the button 'invite' in that guild window, and people call you 'boss'.
frankly i'm wasting my time thinking about this issue, which somewhat involved me, but in actual fact, it DOESN'T.
lastly to Qian, i'm sorry for this entry, and through the phone at 3 am this morning when i told you i was angry,
I was,
and still am.
but i do owe you thanks, the person involved, for making me lose interest in Maple Story.
hell bent on getting angry (3rd edited version. the first and second version was, i think too harsh, but that was what i felt originally when i typed it out, but in light of being a communicator and that i don't want to hurt the innocent, i decided to edit this whole thing.)
this entry was originally hell bent on venting out all frustrations and agony and the fact that i once again slept at daybreak due to a series of unfortunate and entirely unforseen circumstances which has NOTHING WHAT SO EVER TO DO WITH ME
apparently i should have read that chapter on conflict mangement and did Honolulu's assignment and that particular lesson seriously.
as a communication major, i am ashamed to say i failed dramatically, BUT
it's not my fault if people out there are materialistic and superficial and under that mask which says 'lvl doesn't matter, just have fun', they truely mean the opposite.
want me to say something else? you guys have no common sense to tell that something big has happened and continue to type blatent STUPID things yadda yadda yadda.
but once again, it just goes to show that whoever made me, has decided to replace my convincing power with some other minute abilities that has yet to come to use.
it happened 3 times already. and i swear ON PAIN OF DEATH, i'm not going to say anymore, unless being asked. fair enough?
frankly i should be able to go back to psy 101 at 11 or 11.30 i freaking hell can't remember. but just as everything was going well, bombshell was dropped and all hell broke loose, for the infiniteth time that i CANNOT BE BOTHERED to keep track.
surprisingly, the previous time i was hell freaked out, but this time, now that i looked at the situation, i was pretty calm. i still had the mood to stare at my notes, although nothing got in.
things got pretty complicated here and there, but all i can say is that, i saw no concrete link of the element that lead to the huge conflict. or perhaps there was no link in the first place.
but an avenue to vent out accumulated frustration from one individual?
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
nevermind, instead of saying everything, i should just accept the fact that
i'm a noob who nobody BOTHERS to listen except one or two kind souls, and you are the one who can click the button 'invite' in that guild window, and people call you 'boss'.
frankly i'm wasting my time thinking about this issue, which somewhat involved me, but in actual fact, it DOESN'T.
lastly to Qian, i'm sorry for this entry, and through the phone at 3 am this morning when i told you i was angry,
I was,
and still am.
but i do owe you thanks, the person involved, for making me lose interest in Maple Story.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Saturday, April 19, 2008
SOMEONE said something, not to me, but about something yesterday, or rather this morning, whichever doesn't matter, which shocked me to no end, that set my thoughts snowballing and crashing down at the foot of the hill with one conclusion.
i am a difficult person.
aka, i'm difficult to convince, i have a hard time trusting people after stereotyping, and i'm shocked to realise about reality.
loser i know, but, i realise that's what have become of me, ever since the start of Raiin, the icy fortress, and after Chinese New Year.
something is right there in front of me, and i refuse to believe it. something isn't there, and i choose to follow my own thoughts. end up, the truth is there, and i still refuse to take it, until perhaps there's no way i can argue, that i finally give up, reluctantly.
and in the process, i realise i've become a drama mama... having the tendency to blow up every detail and with my vivid imagination, it'll snowball into something crazy, and i myself get hyped/emo about these things that never happened.
i guess that's what became of me, ever since i knew what 'gore' is...
and being such a drama mama, as a result, Byakuya and Renji became my brothers, Grimmjow became my darling, IceBerg and Glacier are subjected to my suffocating hugs, and i myself find myself living in a world where i cannot differentiate between good and bad.
in the begining, it was easy. everyone online whom you don't know, don't trust them. "oh my god! Grimmjow so shuai!", yes yes. "Byakuya and Renji so sweet!!", i know i know. that's all.
but now... "har? where got so nice de?" really? "Grimmjow is MINE!" oh is that so? "Gaah, they are so sweet, they saved her!!" so what?
and i realise, what have i done to myself...
things i can ignore, i chose to poke my nose in
things i can just scrape through, i chose to make a big fuss about it
things i said i won't do, i'll end up forgetting my own pledge and gave in
things that needed my immediate attention above all others, i chose to leave it aside
and all these pales to the fact that i have made a huge mess out of my own life.
exams are only one day away...
frankly, it's easy to say 'if i have to fantasise for the rest of my life, so be it', 'i want to be like Raiin', and all that i've said in my blog. but in actual fact, trying to be and living up to it is really difficult.
complaining can only take me so far, because i know, i can ramble for all i want, but nobody's going to care. that i have to set things right myself, something which i've already learnt when my perceived secondary school days decided to forsake me.
SOMEONE said something, not to me, but about something yesterday, or rather this morning, whichever doesn't matter, which shocked me to no end, that set my thoughts snowballing and crashing down at the foot of the hill with one conclusion.
i am a difficult person.
aka, i'm difficult to convince, i have a hard time trusting people after stereotyping, and i'm shocked to realise about reality.
loser i know, but, i realise that's what have become of me, ever since the start of Raiin, the icy fortress, and after Chinese New Year.
something is right there in front of me, and i refuse to believe it. something isn't there, and i choose to follow my own thoughts. end up, the truth is there, and i still refuse to take it, until perhaps there's no way i can argue, that i finally give up, reluctantly.
and in the process, i realise i've become a drama mama... having the tendency to blow up every detail and with my vivid imagination, it'll snowball into something crazy, and i myself get hyped/emo about these things that never happened.
i guess that's what became of me, ever since i knew what 'gore' is...
and being such a drama mama, as a result, Byakuya and Renji became my brothers, Grimmjow became my darling, IceBerg and Glacier are subjected to my suffocating hugs, and i myself find myself living in a world where i cannot differentiate between good and bad.
in the begining, it was easy. everyone online whom you don't know, don't trust them. "oh my god! Grimmjow so shuai!", yes yes. "Byakuya and Renji so sweet!!", i know i know. that's all.
but now... "har? where got so nice de?" really? "Grimmjow is MINE!" oh is that so? "Gaah, they are so sweet, they saved her!!" so what?
and i realise, what have i done to myself...
things i can ignore, i chose to poke my nose in
things i can just scrape through, i chose to make a big fuss about it
things i said i won't do, i'll end up forgetting my own pledge and gave in
things that needed my immediate attention above all others, i chose to leave it aside
and all these pales to the fact that i have made a huge mess out of my own life.
exams are only one day away...
frankly, it's easy to say 'if i have to fantasise for the rest of my life, so be it', 'i want to be like Raiin', and all that i've said in my blog. but in actual fact, trying to be and living up to it is really difficult.
complaining can only take me so far, because i know, i can ramble for all i want, but nobody's going to care. that i have to set things right myself, something which i've already learnt when my perceived secondary school days decided to forsake me.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
freaking hell for waking up extra early and getting nothing out of it because i still left home around the same time. although i did take a different route today, and to my surprise, it kinda felt good because that route was not some dark corridor, or the back street of some blocks. walking in the sun early in the morning is for once a good change and start.
reason why i hate presentations is that i can never speak well. with a few friends only i already have trouble phrasing what i want to say, unless you want to count me acting crazy and having 'fun', that, i can do easily. but for real speaking, i sux at it... so yeah, it never fail to dawn upon me that after every presentation, be it a major one or just a small reflection, that i really am a lousy communicator.
skipped stats for the day and didn't sign attendance. well. since last semester i've told myself that i refuse to end a semester being miss goody two shoes. i am not, and will not deny that that. so let me skip class, and get some rest.
super unglam on the bus, after Janice and Vincent alighted. i changed seats and plugged my ears with earphones and slept. kept bending sideways at many instants and taking more than my seat itself. but the lucky thing is that nobody sat down beside me, so all the way until the interchange i can be as unglam and selfish as i want. strange thing is that, no matter how many times i slept on the bus, i never fail to wake up at the same junction, just before the interchange. talk about freakiness and coincidence.
one thing i realise about playing maple is that, sometimes it's boring right down to the core. i can hold for days at the same level, despite the invisible pressure that i'm 3 times lower in level as compared to the majority of the members of the guild i'm in. and sometimes, it surprises me to no end, just like that day i offered to help Shinn transfer items, and he generously threw me so many items, none of which is usable with my current level, and i realise he was the one who conversed in jap with me right on my first day as Eliard. Komali saw TheodoreJr, who dropped down from the air all of a sudden, but since Komali is pretty 6 feet underground so i didn't say anything. and sometimes, it's darn frustrating and irritating, because some of the things you search for never come, and when you least need it, it comes in huge quantity. like those weighted earrings. i swear i'm going to hate them.
and sometimes, it makes me wonder if we focused so much about internet scams and horrible sinful people online, whatever happened to the good souls out there who are just trying to have fun?
not that i've 'mapled' for very long, but i find that, despite the name, the Thieves are the ones i'll label as 'Mr. Nice Guys'. just that day, i sort of 'saved' this lvl 61 guy from dying, and he kindly escorted me to where i needed to go and even gave me items that i needed and haste-ed me. and just that day, a thief took my items, and i merely said 'oui... my items..' and he returned them with a f4 and 'i though you didn't want them already'. and when i went back thick-skinned to ask for help, he brought me throughout my whole quest. no idea why, i always have the knack of picking up thief's items, which makes me think twice whether my choice of job was correct. afterall i did want to become an assassin. but i guess mages are the easiest of all to train, so for some lazy bug like me, it's probably for the best.
incase you're wondering why this entry is so tired, that's because i had a 1 hr nightmare during my nap just now.
freaking hell for waking up extra early and getting nothing out of it because i still left home around the same time. although i did take a different route today, and to my surprise, it kinda felt good because that route was not some dark corridor, or the back street of some blocks. walking in the sun early in the morning is for once a good change and start.
reason why i hate presentations is that i can never speak well. with a few friends only i already have trouble phrasing what i want to say, unless you want to count me acting crazy and having 'fun', that, i can do easily. but for real speaking, i sux at it... so yeah, it never fail to dawn upon me that after every presentation, be it a major one or just a small reflection, that i really am a lousy communicator.
skipped stats for the day and didn't sign attendance. well. since last semester i've told myself that i refuse to end a semester being miss goody two shoes. i am not, and will not deny that that. so let me skip class, and get some rest.
super unglam on the bus, after Janice and Vincent alighted. i changed seats and plugged my ears with earphones and slept. kept bending sideways at many instants and taking more than my seat itself. but the lucky thing is that nobody sat down beside me, so all the way until the interchange i can be as unglam and selfish as i want. strange thing is that, no matter how many times i slept on the bus, i never fail to wake up at the same junction, just before the interchange. talk about freakiness and coincidence.
one thing i realise about playing maple is that, sometimes it's boring right down to the core. i can hold for days at the same level, despite the invisible pressure that i'm 3 times lower in level as compared to the majority of the members of the guild i'm in. and sometimes, it surprises me to no end, just like that day i offered to help Shinn transfer items, and he generously threw me so many items, none of which is usable with my current level, and i realise he was the one who conversed in jap with me right on my first day as Eliard. Komali saw TheodoreJr, who dropped down from the air all of a sudden, but since Komali is pretty 6 feet underground so i didn't say anything. and sometimes, it's darn frustrating and irritating, because some of the things you search for never come, and when you least need it, it comes in huge quantity. like those weighted earrings. i swear i'm going to hate them.
and sometimes, it makes me wonder if we focused so much about internet scams and horrible sinful people online, whatever happened to the good souls out there who are just trying to have fun?
not that i've 'mapled' for very long, but i find that, despite the name, the Thieves are the ones i'll label as 'Mr. Nice Guys'. just that day, i sort of 'saved' this lvl 61 guy from dying, and he kindly escorted me to where i needed to go and even gave me items that i needed and haste-ed me. and just that day, a thief took my items, and i merely said 'oui... my items..' and he returned them with a f4 and 'i though you didn't want them already'. and when i went back thick-skinned to ask for help, he brought me throughout my whole quest. no idea why, i always have the knack of picking up thief's items, which makes me think twice whether my choice of job was correct. afterall i did want to become an assassin. but i guess mages are the easiest of all to train, so for some lazy bug like me, it's probably for the best.
incase you're wondering why this entry is so tired, that's because i had a 1 hr nightmare during my nap just now.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Sunday, April 13, 2008
i swear this is slow suicide.
i've been sleeping later and later each night and now i think i'm really suffering from burnout and emotional exhaustion and lack of personal accomplishment and depersonalization. wow... sounds like something from rose+mary's lesson... eew..
i've been sleeping at 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning and waking up at 4pm in the afternoon. and just this morning, i slept at daybreak. as in DAYBREAK! the sun actually came out already! what the hell...
and talk about witching hours and ghostly timing and unearthly hours... and cat fights and bumming... i swear there was something outside in my kitchen at 3 am this morning. i wasn't listening to any music so i can hear clearly. someone was messing with my kettle... and when i went out to check... i realised what time it was... ok fine...
then there were cat fights... stupid cats and irritating pests...
then at near daybreak i presume... someone outside my block was booming something. IRRITATING PEOPLE!!!!
oh talk about cats... PANTERA!!! YOU ARE BACK!!!! I'M SO RELIEVED!!!! omg you look freaking dashing with long hair and those agile movements!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG !!!!! someone kill me please!!!! gaaah!!!! GRIMMJOW I PLEDGE MY UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU!!!!
ok, enough of it... (slaps myself in face) but i stll love you grimmjow hehehe.
talk about working late into the night. was reading Obama's race speech transcript... and somehow, i find what's in there pretty true.
that we live in a Zero Sum society.
and the whole 'do unto others as we would have them unto us'
he believes that society can change. that history has proven that people and society can change.
but he forgot one little thing that's called 'individualistic culture'
case closed.
i hope i can survive until 10 days or so later...
tomorrow is 'officially' the last week of Sem 2 at UB. then it's a few days of exams.
then it's a pathetic 2 weeks or so break,
before the 3rd gate of hell opens.
well i'm not going to be hoping for a better semester next round. because the way i see it, the time table and modules and all, it's going to another round of 'all hell break loose'.
but i'm relieved to say, that no matter what, i know my place is in the virtual world, and thanks to the two revered senseis who created them, the story has taken a twist in line and the worlds as we know now is going to change, drastically. and soon, i'll have to change my hate list. apparently, the same old saying plays. 'never judge a book by it's cover' and i'll throw in my own line here
'never judge a story by it's beginning and middle until you've read to the end'
A toast to this semester, of all the good and the bad,
and to Mr. vincent chia pei chin, aka 'RATE BUSTER' pls stop your sharingan-ing. you know you have normal eyes WHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
and to Angie, sorry about the virus, and thanks for hearing me out the other day! you rock!
and to Wendy Ng, another 'rate buster', thanks for the Taiko no Tatsujin. i'm absolutely in love with 'Carmen' and another classical song in there.
and to Nina, i wasn't the vulgar one ok!!!!!!! her name was spelt that way i just forgot to add a W!
and to Janice Ang, Ms Kallang Zui (haha, pardon me for calling you that). next time please go to school with Mr. Ratebuster to avoid tiko uncles! shun bian go buy pepper spray!!!
and to Huiwen Lee, never come school on Friday ar!!! take care of yourself hor!! and don't everyday dota hor!!!!
and to Sarih Rockstar, we may not be in the same classes next sem, but you'll always be my great 'jon heder' friend. next movie with him, we'll go watch together ok!
and to Jiamin aka Einstein, got new formula anot??? don't always E=mc2! let me hitch a ride someday so i can sleep a bit late !! whahahaha!!!
and to all others whose name i haven't mentioned, thank you for all your help and all those times we spent together, and all the best for the comming exams and the next semester!
i swear this is slow suicide.
i've been sleeping later and later each night and now i think i'm really suffering from burnout and emotional exhaustion and lack of personal accomplishment and depersonalization. wow... sounds like something from rose+mary's lesson... eew..
i've been sleeping at 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning and waking up at 4pm in the afternoon. and just this morning, i slept at daybreak. as in DAYBREAK! the sun actually came out already! what the hell...
and talk about witching hours and ghostly timing and unearthly hours... and cat fights and bumming... i swear there was something outside in my kitchen at 3 am this morning. i wasn't listening to any music so i can hear clearly. someone was messing with my kettle... and when i went out to check... i realised what time it was... ok fine...
then there were cat fights... stupid cats and irritating pests...
then at near daybreak i presume... someone outside my block was booming something. IRRITATING PEOPLE!!!!
oh talk about cats... PANTERA!!! YOU ARE BACK!!!! I'M SO RELIEVED!!!! omg you look freaking dashing with long hair and those agile movements!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG !!!!! someone kill me please!!!! gaaah!!!! GRIMMJOW I PLEDGE MY UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU!!!!
ok, enough of it... (slaps myself in face) but i stll love you grimmjow hehehe.
talk about working late into the night. was reading Obama's race speech transcript... and somehow, i find what's in there pretty true.
that we live in a Zero Sum society.
and the whole 'do unto others as we would have them unto us'
he believes that society can change. that history has proven that people and society can change.
but he forgot one little thing that's called 'individualistic culture'
case closed.
i hope i can survive until 10 days or so later...
tomorrow is 'officially' the last week of Sem 2 at UB. then it's a few days of exams.
then it's a pathetic 2 weeks or so break,
before the 3rd gate of hell opens.
well i'm not going to be hoping for a better semester next round. because the way i see it, the time table and modules and all, it's going to another round of 'all hell break loose'.
but i'm relieved to say, that no matter what, i know my place is in the virtual world, and thanks to the two revered senseis who created them, the story has taken a twist in line and the worlds as we know now is going to change, drastically. and soon, i'll have to change my hate list. apparently, the same old saying plays. 'never judge a book by it's cover' and i'll throw in my own line here
'never judge a story by it's beginning and middle until you've read to the end'
A toast to this semester, of all the good and the bad,
and to Mr. vincent chia pei chin, aka 'RATE BUSTER' pls stop your sharingan-ing. you know you have normal eyes WHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
and to Angie, sorry about the virus, and thanks for hearing me out the other day! you rock!
and to Wendy Ng, another 'rate buster', thanks for the Taiko no Tatsujin. i'm absolutely in love with 'Carmen' and another classical song in there.
and to Nina, i wasn't the vulgar one ok!!!!!!! her name was spelt that way i just forgot to add a W!
and to Janice Ang, Ms Kallang Zui (haha, pardon me for calling you that). next time please go to school with Mr. Ratebuster to avoid tiko uncles! shun bian go buy pepper spray!!!
and to Huiwen Lee, never come school on Friday ar!!! take care of yourself hor!! and don't everyday dota hor!!!!
and to Sarih Rockstar, we may not be in the same classes next sem, but you'll always be my great 'jon heder' friend. next movie with him, we'll go watch together ok!
and to Jiamin aka Einstein, got new formula anot??? don't always E=mc2! let me hitch a ride someday so i can sleep a bit late !! whahahaha!!!
and to all others whose name i haven't mentioned, thank you for all your help and all those times we spent together, and all the best for the comming exams and the next semester!
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Friday, April 11, 2008
let me get this straight.
i hurt you by saying you didn't notice something?
what about those things you said to me? 'at most just buy the one we had'?
did you even know how i felt about it? and let me tell you something, this isn't the first time it happened.
i keep telling myself that you are stressed up about this whole thing and that i'm your best friend and i have to help you and not add on to your stress.
that's why i try not to bother you with my own problems, that's why i stayed up to chat and accompany you, that's why i put down all my work to help you. but does it matter?
all that i done for you and in the end? i hurt you?
all the things i did for you two? telling you to include him in your problems and decisions? stepping away so he have more room to stand?
you make me wonder if i was the one going around hurting others, while i myself getting hurt is perfectly normal.
i don't have any experience in all these things. so i put myself in your shoes and help you think. do you know how hard it is to empathise with someone? do you know how taxing it is to have your problems constantly in my mind?
don't turn around and say you did not ask me to do that. i did it because i'm your best friend, to share your problems.
but maybe you are right, in saying that i don't know how much my words are worth. because all these while i thought i was invisible and my words meant nothing to people around me.
you want prove?
count the number of times i proposed a solution and no one takes it, until a point where i would say 'i told you so'.
point proven. you know i'm not making a big fuss about this. it's just a way to show that i'm being appeciated and that i'm of use to other people.
why am i making such a big fuss about a polar bear? fine... ignore me thanks. i'm already having a hard time here trying to cope with my life and all it's crap i don't want to have a break down here. aleady suffering from burnout is bad enough.
just let me hate that polar bear. i have many reasons, and i assure you it's not just because 'i refuse to have the same thing as your bf'.
let me get this straight.
i hurt you by saying you didn't notice something?
what about those things you said to me? 'at most just buy the one we had'?
did you even know how i felt about it? and let me tell you something, this isn't the first time it happened.
i keep telling myself that you are stressed up about this whole thing and that i'm your best friend and i have to help you and not add on to your stress.
that's why i try not to bother you with my own problems, that's why i stayed up to chat and accompany you, that's why i put down all my work to help you. but does it matter?
all that i done for you and in the end? i hurt you?
all the things i did for you two? telling you to include him in your problems and decisions? stepping away so he have more room to stand?
you make me wonder if i was the one going around hurting others, while i myself getting hurt is perfectly normal.
i don't have any experience in all these things. so i put myself in your shoes and help you think. do you know how hard it is to empathise with someone? do you know how taxing it is to have your problems constantly in my mind?
don't turn around and say you did not ask me to do that. i did it because i'm your best friend, to share your problems.
but maybe you are right, in saying that i don't know how much my words are worth. because all these while i thought i was invisible and my words meant nothing to people around me.
you want prove?
count the number of times i proposed a solution and no one takes it, until a point where i would say 'i told you so'.
point proven. you know i'm not making a big fuss about this. it's just a way to show that i'm being appeciated and that i'm of use to other people.
why am i making such a big fuss about a polar bear? fine... ignore me thanks. i'm already having a hard time here trying to cope with my life and all it's crap i don't want to have a break down here. aleady suffering from burnout is bad enough.
just let me hate that polar bear. i have many reasons, and i assure you it's not just because 'i refuse to have the same thing as your bf'.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Monday, April 7, 2008
i am begining to hate something i never thought i would hate.
and the problem doesn't lies with me.
neither does the logic seems logical.
but it doesn't matter.
as long as i hate it now, it is.
i am begining to hate something i never thought i would hate.
and the problem doesn't lies with me.
neither does the logic seems logical.
but it doesn't matter.
as long as i hate it now, it is.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
this morning it happened again. perhaps i was too engross in reading my book that i actually shut out all other thoughts.
just outside commonwealth station, i suddenly had that same feeling of peace again, as though everything that happened after chinese new year never happened. and at that moment, i thought of the little details about some things, it seem almost absurd and i'll be asking myself, 'did that really happen? impossible!'
many people think of stress as a stalker or a silent killer, all the while beside you, waiting for the opportune moment to stab you in the heart. that sounds scary i know. but for me, the scary part about it is not knowing you are under stress, or not even having the time to be stressed at all. the workload just piled up to the extent i want to shut out everything. and when something happened to you, psychologically or physiologically, you have no idea how it happened and what happen. and for a while you'll be searching for the answer, and it's actually right in front of you spelt 's-t-r-e-s-s'...
but i guess i'm glad to be that way, not knowing i'm in stress, it reduces the pressure of it by itself. then again, the bad thing about it is i'll tend to solve each problem one by one, and every single one.
imagine being stuck in a room with flies all around. which would you choose? flinging your arms around hoping to take down several flies all at one time, or focus on hitting one at a time to ensure a higher rate of 'bull's eye'?
for me it's the latter. every fly that flies near me is a problem that creates an itch and irritation no matter how fat or small that fly is. it is a problem, no matter how you look at it. and it must be resolved because many a time people fail at the most crucial moment due to a small problem that they failed to resolve that leads to ultimate destruction. there's always an explanation to everything, and everything can be analysed.
but as i rode on the train, at buona vista station, seeing those handsome guys get off and heading to NUS, and cursing and swearing in my head why there ain't any getting off at clementi, i realise that, we must accept that in this world, there are things that can't be explained, things that don't have to be explained.
being critical is good in a way a it solves problem from many perspectives and at a point avoid potential misjudgement. but being over critical is never good, as it makes the individual stressed in the sense that there's so many things to be resolved, and everything must be done perfectly.
i always believed that the world is in a balance, and we must always achieve balance in our lives in order to survive. so the opposite of being critical is to escape all that crap and just take things as they are, or wave it away with suaveness.
and at clementi station, looking around and seeing there were no handsome guys getting off but sitting in seats waiting for their stop at boon lay, i found that all those thoughts and details that were in my head that i found to be absurd that it happened after chinese new year were all garbage, if i were to stop trying to convince myself that it did happen and explain it. after all, it's none of my business.
which brings me to a point where i keep asking myself. am i running a helpline here? take a look at this semester, since we are approaching the end. have i done something for myself? no! everything is about teacher this teacher that, mummie this mummie that, daddie this daddie that, and friends this friends that. i have lost count of the number of times i put down my school work to solve something totally unrelated to sim or ub or school stuff. and when i return back to all these, yes now i'll use that word, stress, i ask myself 'why did i do that'?
dont' get me wrong, i enjoy helping people. it's something inculcated in me by my mummie since young that we live to serve others. but being self-centered by nature or nurture, i always ask myself 'i help others, but who's going to help me when i'm in trouble'?
everytime that happens, or when my mummie do something that benefit the others but get stabbed in the process, i'll shout 'be selfish for once for hell's sake'.
but everytime i set my mind to be that, when i see people in trouble, regardless of the magnitude of the problem, i'll still reach out to help whether or not they asked, or they wanted help or not.
it feels good after helping someone. i return home, thinking about what i did that made someone's day, in a way it makes me happy for the person. yes it might be what people say 'happiness is contagious' or was it laughter? doesn't matter.
but here's the catch. i sit down in my chair and 'look' at the mountainous load of work that awaits me, the cycle returns to starting point.
that brings me back to my point. there are some things that shouldn't be said, considering the characteristics and magnitude of an issue. on the other hand, there are some things that should automatically be said without prompt.
but i guess, the ultimate resolution to this angst-ness that i feel these days regarding that matter is to be oblivious for once, escape all the process of finding explanations, most of all, be selfish for once for my own sake.
again it just means it's always my fault isn't it? i am the one who ultimately screwed up big time. yes i can blame it on people, but when i link it further, it's still my fault.
if i had exercised self-control and management, i wouldn't have screwed up that badly for the A's.
if i hadn't showed up for that day and just skipped out of it, pretend to mourn for my dead grandmother, the session wouldn't involve 4 people, with a piano, flute and guitar, and an unfinished song.
and i wouldn't have talked to him.
and if i hadn't told anyone i had a flute at home and i can play it, i wouldn't be in the performance in the first place. i certainly wouldn't be playing piano, since it is a fact that my piano skills are not as fantastic. i wouldn't be in any special performance. i'll just be like everybody else. play with the ensemble and get on with life.
but something struck me yesterday when i googled my name. i found some things that i probably never hear people say in real life. it somehow changed my impression of them suddenly.
and then i wondered, all of the things i've done, perhaps they weren't for naught after all.
and if i were to stop thinking too much into a matter, i might be a little bit more happy.
and if i were to escape a bit more, i might be able to survive better...
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Saturday, April 5, 2008
call me possessive, call me bitch, call me crazy, call me pathetic, but i have to be myself.
yes i am the only child, and i guess i always stay in that small microscopic portion of the world and being oblivious to other things. ok, forget that microscopic portion... i don't exist on this earth.
so? things i have, thoughts that i think about and feelings i feel tend to have the illusion of 'being unique'. because, i simply have no one to share and compare. which might be the reason why i'm possessive by nature, about my beliefs and principles, and the things i have.
super angst today, especially after seeing 'that'. together with mummie and daddie. daddie says it looks horrible, mummie says it looks weird. despite i know it's against my principles and beliefs (however you want to say how twisted and illogical it is), i still swayed a little, because of my nature and liking. but as usual, my heart is something that is overrated in my anatomy and my brain is the ultimate leader, and he, said no. so i stormed out looking super angst, and for the first time, it isn't about daddie's comment on 'that', but because of something intangible, that is my principle and belief meshed together.
for the first time after so long, i actually bought a comic book that somehow, was in my category of liking, and i couldn't help but snicker and shake my head at that stupid housekeeper/butler in the story. screw the other commuters on the mrt, i don't care. it's been such a long time that when i read something new, and felt as though i know them for a long time already. the atmosphere is just different. i'm stuck in the middle of so many people squashing against each other, but yet i could still snicker and laugh. usually i would be cursing the auntie beside me for taking up too much space by standing sideways, the bhb guy behind me holding his newspaper so high up that it's resting on my head, and the woman with heels in front for staggering and crushing my toes. but today, it was different...
comic, you are really my savior.
i wonder what my personality is. maple story is enough to tell me that i'm one of those jerks who think too highly of themselves once they hit the supposedly 'superiority'. but at the same time, i can understand why these people get so frustrated when something happened. and i realise how fickle minded i am.
once i was a noobie. everyone was.
then i was still a noobie. and i tried to fend for people sharing the similar plight as i was once in.
next i turned into a wannabe, who thinks that she's experienced enough to get angry over a plight that she was once in. at 2.30 am in the morning.
i guess the day already started 'angst-ly' in the first place. that is something no red shirt and girly hairstyle and trying to be pretty and not wear glasses outside is ever going to change.
why am i seriously so angst today? but i guess i know the reason now. blame it on myself, which is the simplest and easiest way out.
call me possessive, call me bitch, call me crazy, call me pathetic, but i have to be myself.
yes i am the only child, and i guess i always stay in that small microscopic portion of the world and being oblivious to other things. ok, forget that microscopic portion... i don't exist on this earth.
so? things i have, thoughts that i think about and feelings i feel tend to have the illusion of 'being unique'. because, i simply have no one to share and compare. which might be the reason why i'm possessive by nature, about my beliefs and principles, and the things i have.
super angst today, especially after seeing 'that'. together with mummie and daddie. daddie says it looks horrible, mummie says it looks weird. despite i know it's against my principles and beliefs (however you want to say how twisted and illogical it is), i still swayed a little, because of my nature and liking. but as usual, my heart is something that is overrated in my anatomy and my brain is the ultimate leader, and he, said no. so i stormed out looking super angst, and for the first time, it isn't about daddie's comment on 'that', but because of something intangible, that is my principle and belief meshed together.
for the first time after so long, i actually bought a comic book that somehow, was in my category of liking, and i couldn't help but snicker and shake my head at that stupid housekeeper/butler in the story. screw the other commuters on the mrt, i don't care. it's been such a long time that when i read something new, and felt as though i know them for a long time already. the atmosphere is just different. i'm stuck in the middle of so many people squashing against each other, but yet i could still snicker and laugh. usually i would be cursing the auntie beside me for taking up too much space by standing sideways, the bhb guy behind me holding his newspaper so high up that it's resting on my head, and the woman with heels in front for staggering and crushing my toes. but today, it was different...
comic, you are really my savior.
i wonder what my personality is. maple story is enough to tell me that i'm one of those jerks who think too highly of themselves once they hit the supposedly 'superiority'. but at the same time, i can understand why these people get so frustrated when something happened. and i realise how fickle minded i am.
once i was a noobie. everyone was.
then i was still a noobie. and i tried to fend for people sharing the similar plight as i was once in.
next i turned into a wannabe, who thinks that she's experienced enough to get angry over a plight that she was once in. at 2.30 am in the morning.
i guess the day already started 'angst-ly' in the first place. that is something no red shirt and girly hairstyle and trying to be pretty and not wear glasses outside is ever going to change.
why am i seriously so angst today? but i guess i know the reason now. blame it on myself, which is the simplest and easiest way out.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Thursday, April 3, 2008
long time no blog le... interesting. emoing these days, happily smashing mushrooms and snails and slimes and pulling out my hair while doing work from school. now, i really understand what is stress.
i can't remember her name, but i don't think she's Komali. but well, look at her!!! so cute!! spray water. despite standing out in the sun outside of viewing stage, i'm still glad i'm away from their spray... elephant mucus mixed water, no thanks...
POLAR BEARS!!!!! THIS IS INUKA!!!!! OMG!!!! LOOK!!!! HE'S FREAKING CUTE!!!! AND COOL!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!
last but not least, the last stop i never fail to forget is the merchandise shop in the zoo. and ohoho!!! the lions are cutE!!! ya, and so is the price...
long time no blog le... interesting. emoing these days, happily smashing mushrooms and snails and slimes and pulling out my hair while doing work from school. now, i really understand what is stress.
a few days, screw that, weeks ago, i went to the zoo with mummie!!! and daddieee!!!!! ohohohohoho. i happily woke up and wore that eagle shirt that i always wear to school and outside, and wore shorts and my new PUMA cap. yep, nice outfit to go to the zoo... right... it was down right hot... under the searing heat and blinding sunshine... it is lucky i bought the cap... lucky.... ok
Check out the white tigers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO LAZY!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE!!!!!!! but their butt facing me can... irritating. my gor and sis never give me face.
admit it ok, this is cute. i mean look at his face!!!! that expression is damn funny! and below him that snake is real. and they have remain in that position for as long as i could remember
that kangaroo is so cute!!!!! look!!!!!! he's standing looking at someone!!!! haha.
this one angst... he, or she hopped away after someone fed or never feed him or her. and stood there and refused to come near.
see that whitish baboon in the middle? that's the king, and make a note, he has a harem and is said to bite the females if they don't follow him around or flirts or wander. what a sucker. if it were me, i would have shot him. seriously. no offense to Renji-gor gor and Zabimaru, but, yeah, at least Zabi-chan has a snake as a tail.. so you're kinda different.
i want their leg power and hooves can? so that i can freaking scale mountainous regions...
i can't remember her name, but i don't think she's Komali. but well, look at her!!! so cute!! spray water. despite standing out in the sun outside of viewing stage, i'm still glad i'm away from their spray... elephant mucus mixed water, no thanks...
ok, this is Komali, the one with the leaf brush. oldest elephant in the zoo. ok here's my fav part of the whole trip.
POLAR BEARS!!!!! THIS IS INUKA!!!!! OMG!!!! LOOK!!!! HE'S FREAKING CUTE!!!! AND COOL!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!
that's Sheba, Inuka's mother. she's significantly cuter because she's smaller size and more subtle. but Inuka, COOL and Macho, quoted by the sickening zoo keeper who was narrating this whole animal show. yes, i caught 2 animal shows on that day. one is the elephant, this is the other one
OH OH OH!!! my another gor!!!! cheetah!!!! he's so heck care right? attitude. i like it. go for it GOR!
Oh, another Gor, he's so attitude!!!! and look around and that's his harem. ahahhahahahah no just kidding.
Giraffe!!!!!! reminds me of melman from madagascar!!!!!!!
my other gor! Leopard and he's just sitting there refuse to come out... blur shot.. through the glass. gor never give me face...
Haha! last gor that i saw that day, jaguar! and he sit there also attitude-ing lor.... never give face... 
mummie decided to tour the crops field in the zoo... ZOO!!!! pls! zoo is a place where there are animals moving around, and not PLANTS, staying put there waiting to suck air and sunlight and water! pls... so in the midst of jumping around in the heat, i shot myself in the new hat. and well, not that i had any experience in taking photos of myself, so all my shots went out of focus, or, was too ugly to be put here. but this shot captured the best part of my new cap!!!!! PUMA!!! ohohohoho!
last but not least, the last stop i never fail to forget is the merchandise shop in the zoo. and ohoho!!! the lions are cutE!!! ya, and so is the price...
this is cheapskate. i have this polar bear at home, and that's IceBerg. and that's from suntoys. but here, they took off the tag at the backside of the bear and replaced it with 'singapore zoo'... DORTS!!!!!
anyway, that's pretty much what's in and out of that zoo trip, but well, there were loads of other pictures, but not as important as these hahahaa!!!!!
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.: