Sunday, August 31, 2008
to the almighty one that created me and everyone else, not in reference to any superior being in particular, just the universal force that governed my life...i know i've been doing a lot of complaining about how unfair you are to me and my life, but till this day, especially after yesterday, i can't help but think there are some truth to what i'm saying. putting aside not giving me what i want, you are also taking away one of the two people i hold dearest to my heart. for that i ask why is it so unfair. .~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Friday, August 29, 2008
so school has started and that's one week into year 2 sem 1.
we have this really boring teacher who can make me doze off at 12 pm in the afternoon. i don't blame it on my lunch earlier, but seriously, her class needs some tightening of screws.
Honolulu!!!! you are back!!!! wheeeeeeee! and yet another no-quiz-sem!!!!! wheeeeee! but there are speeches... that's, just another synonym for presentation... no big difference. darn.
and we have this kick-ass teacher for sociology! 'Ah Soh' and Paris suspect she's a virgo, like themselves, and today, despite the sneezing nose and tired eyes, i'm still laughing at her words and that Paris and our dear 'SM Queen' were saying the teacher really resembles Ah Soh alot whahaha!
it's a good thing, that i have only that lesson on tues and thurs. because frankly on tues, the teacher said something, that made me tear in class, which was quite a bad thing since i was sitting right in the middle of the lecture hall, and i mean, right in the middle's middle...
and my hunch was that i'll probably be doing that quite often, seeing how i tear at the book i was reading in PageOne today after finding there's no seats and settled for the floor right next to the glass walls...
funny how today went. for the first time, i wore a jacket for more than half a turn of the clock, and didn't feel like i'm going to die of hunger after not eating anything for more than half a turn of the clock.
and despite all reasons against it, i had this super late lunch at subway alone. yesh, alone. something which, i'll never be caught dead doing. which might be thankful subway was hidden in a corner, and that not many people were there.
ipod nearly died on me today, which reminds me i need a new pair of earphones, for hygiene purposes and for blocking out ****ing irritating noises.
funny thing, how i can tear, quite badly listening to some songs that i haven't heard for quite some time, and fancy myself, digging through the whole cupboard just to find an old soundtrack which i dismissed long ago without even paying attention to it.
i guess i should not have done that, and that i forgot the fundamental reason why i chose to listen to soundtracks instead of other music.
but instead of blaming on that NCHS uniform wearing geeky girl for dismissing something that good, i think even if i force myself to listen to it that time, i wouldn't have appreciated the value of it as much as i would now.
and i really think singing helps. just listening to the song can get me into the mood, but singing along with it makes me go one step further.
but judging what happen yesterday, i'm a little weary of getting happy. because as past experience tells me, whenever i get happy, the next moment i'll be plunged into hell, which would take sometime to climb up to happy peak again, then the cycle goes on once again.
The Bucket List was great. i know i wanted to watch it because Morgan Freeman was there. but i thought, maybe i should do the same. in fact it took me 3 times to finish the movie.
"The ancient Egyptians believe that as a person passes on, at the Gate of Heavens, the Gods will ask him two questions. His answers will determine if he will enter or not. Have you found joy in your life?Have you brought joy to others in your life?"well, i didn't expect those two questions to be that, but i guess the guy in the movie was rather diplomatic in his answer despite his character and attitude. he actually said he can't change what's done, because he knows he'll probably do them again if given a second chance. i thought that was really a wow thing to say. yeah i know it's a movie, but let me have the indulgence of taking it in a different direction.
but well, at first i thought it was really cool. until the whole mood was destroyed. and i believe the next time, i should probably swear by my words, rather than making a promise to myself.
ok, i'm losing my thoughts again... i should go to sleep.
i miss grimmjow.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
THAT'S IT!I HAD ENOUGH!this is driving me over the edge, and that does it! it's a wonder, how i fail at things once again. just ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! TMD!and i believe it's time to clear some SPACE, cut the WEEDS.
it just seems to me that WHOEVER out there is controlling my freaking life, doesn't want me to forget that i'm always NOT GOOD ENOUGH that soon. yeah, thanks for the reminder once again, 3rd time this week, the millionth time this year!I HAD ENOUGH!thanks for ruining my inspirational movie, thanks for ruining my singing session, and thanks for ruining the art work i made today.in a nutshell, YOU SUCK! BIG TIME! .~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Monday, August 25, 2008
funny how one thing often leads to another. just today, dressed in an atrociously bright shirt with a belt that totally clash with my slack-to-the-core attitude and image, hoping to get a fresh start on a new semester, in fact a new year in uni life, only to find out that technique-less beautician was right when she says my face will remain red for a couple of days. (screw you)
that was when i decided to go get a concealer. pardon my noob-ness in make-up and all that matter, got one at cp, and decided to take a slight detour upstairs to see if that stupid comic book is sitting on the shelf waiting to be transferred into my cabinet with his counterparts. and this jerk cut my queue. i think the other guy waiting to pay saw my narrowing-of-eyes at that geek and decided to step back in queue so i can pay first. thank you, fellow comic maniac.
that was when, skin-broke of the day, i decided to go see if there's any nice movies to set my eyes on. and i found 'The Bucket List'.
caught my eye for some time already, mainly because Morgan Freeman was there. and didn't get to read any synopsis about it, so off the shelf it went and into my hands. then i realise, it was what i label as 'inspirational movie'. so i put it back on the shelf and made a dash home.
things turn in an unexpected way and i found myself on the bed, sleeping my head off. and waking up to watch a part 3 of Little Mermaid... which was completely off-track.
and moments before i start typing this, the stupid movie loaded, and was watching it in segments... and i came to the point where they learnt that they only had months left. that's, the bucket list movie mind you.
and i know i'm supposed to KNOW that that was pure acting, but i can't help but share that heart-wrenching moment when they both know that, 6 months, and lucky, a year is left for them.
then the movie froze and i went to check my mail. and i got something out of the ordinary, which for some reason i sent to people, for like once in a blue moon. and that made me confused.
"not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck"
can someone, explain this to me.
because no matter how i see it, metaphorically or emprically, that, is a line of fallacy, one that is created to console people and show sympathy and for some, pity.
forget that whole didn't get to board the ship so wasn't involved in a shipwreck thing. i'm talking more about little things in life.
before i go on and blabber about how life is unfair again, and how that line serves to console people like us, who slave away in life only to make enough to survive, while others snap their fingers and the genie brings them what they want, i can feel that anger rising once again, coupled with the many things that 'didn't go according to plan' and 'went off-track' and 'tactless people' and 'not understanding me' and 'not appreciative and thankful' crap.
so i guess i better stop here, which incidently, as experience has told me, writing blog entries do nothing to help me relief that hatred that i feel, except once, when i receive the phonecall from an unexpected friend, who has a kick-ass freaking cool new hairstyle for the new year. whahaha.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Friday, August 22, 2008
i hate failed attempts at everything. seriously, who likes to fail? especially at things which requires absolutly no skills at all. and i really mean no skills at all.
and living in people's shadows. not literately, but it's like when you try to get out, there's another person who stands over you and cover you once again.
that's why i refuse to do some things at some times. i just hate the feeling of not being able to do it. it just wastes time and effort.
and that horrible feeling just sux big time, when history repeats itself and you are reminded of all the resolutions you made, and see no results at all. and i hate it i hate it i hate it.
then you wish you were someone else. and you know it can't be achieved.
it just sux big time. **** **.
i think, sometimes, i just want to know the reason why things happen. and often i trace my steps, i arrive at a problem. i mean, the problem, is what caused everything, be it good or bad. and once the problem is gone, everything resolves, things go back to how it was before. and i think, all the efforts that was put in would simply dissolve into air as though they are the sand of the beach.
and no matter what forwarded mails i received, i read them, i just find that, yeah, it can be true, but for a limited time only.
and sometimes i feel like a discarded doll, when the time is right, i get purpose, and after that, i get discarded. and when that happens, i feel like an erupting volcano. so i guess we can't blame those possessed dolls for going after their old owners, since, yeah, pretty clear what the reason is.
and sometimes i find it hard to understand. you may think you know, but you have no idea. and that feeling, is just like a discarded doll. people do things which you have no idea why, and sometimes you wonder if you really think you know your place in other people's hearts.
mummie is starting to get naggy again. in fact, i should have just shut my freaking mouth that time and just pretend nothing happened. the snowball might just stop at my hand and not fall down the slope and made it bigger as it went. and it might not have hit that snowman that made it one lump bigger...
damn it.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
my sincere sympathy to my two friends whom Aphrodite has decided to play a trick on them and left them hanging in the middle of nowhere. to my two friends, you know who you are,you don't need Aphrodite to find you a good match, you just need your heart and smarty brains to find one. afterall, our two lao da jie cannot be fought down that easily. those two are clearly jerks of the century and the next century to come. Fight Oh!hmm... but it does seem pretty bleak for the past week. somehow it didn't feel like a holiday to me... yeah, waking up at 2pm in the afternoon and sleeping at 4 plus in the morning isn't that just like every other day?!
looks like that's probably the end of my holidays. drowned in nothingness and emptiness. but seriously, i think probably the best thing that came out of the holidays was that i watched relatively good amount of movies... compared to normal days.
but i guess, this isn't really a holiday for me. nights i spend dreaming about weirdness, days i spent on doing nothing i had planned for myself, which essentially means i didn't plan anything in the first place.
frankly, i'm even more tired than the usual school days. i just find that, i had lost that phase of life that i truly enjoy myself and truly takes my mind off everything in life.
so in other words, i'm like a walking zombie waking up at the wrong hours of everyday.seriously whatever happened to that suen hui i used to be? people do change, but am i changing for the better? or worse?
finally knew who yantao was. one moment me and ning were like 'freak, now there's no escape from that since it's a call', next moment we were laughing our heads off at the 'lao uncle'. whahahahahhahahahaha! i'll never forget the 'clt alt del' thing. and the 'we waiting for people to auto nia'. whahahaha
'bu yao xiao lao uncle la! wei, bu yao qu gen bie ren jiang jing tien de shi'that, was the classic-est phrase that got out.
yay! wizdam! wizdam! pika pika! meeeeeeeeek!
but despite anticipating it, it turned out pretty ugly... eww. freak man.... it's ok. when it's 'boom boom boom boom' i'll turn tables around. which would probably be like centuries later...
well. being stagnant in life is a sad thing, and perhaps anticipating this stagnation was a bad thing in the first place. but since when has a goal popped into my mind ever since i started the hectic school life at UB?
mummy have ought to shaddup about her 'love lectures' again. i'm not buying that crap, especially not now, and perhaps never.
hmm.. i should go back to fantasizing about Gri-darling. that might be the most productive thing i've ever done in uni life.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Thursday, August 14, 2008
nothing i say can express my most sincere thanks and appreciation to TXH and huiwen lee for your concern.
i guess, what you guys say is true, i should pull myself together, look on the bright side of life, live life to the fullest each day as best as i can, cheer up, and wake up everyday at 7 to go run because according to huiwen lee, exercise produces endorphins which makes people happy.
"life is just too unpredictable. you may never know"
i'll remember that.
enjoy your holidays, my fellow UB maties, have a good rest, and get ready as we face another voyage into our second year in university.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
new look on the blog, looks relatively plain, compared to the overwhelming pictures of Gri-darling last time. looks super plain... might change it again.. hmm..despite waking up early today, i spent the whole morning lying in bed and thinking.
frankly, i'm very unhappy with my life now. and there are various points to name, of which i prefer not to pen down. and i guess that's the reason why i live my previous weeks in agony.perhaps that's where people say 'you're unhappy because you compare yourself with others'. sure, that's pretty agonizing, but i prefer to think of it as a natural course in people's life. try to convince me not to compare myself with others, unless you are a genuinely happy beggar out on the streets, i'm not going to be persuaded. don't forget, i'm armed with cladini's influence. so go ahead and try, i'll guarantee you'll fail.
but well, it's quite true that people always have what they want, while i don't. hearing Shinn harping about this turned the compass needle pointing somewhere else. ya, i'm pretty sick and tired about hearing this whole 'people get what they want easily while we all struggle', because half my life i've been complaining about it myself, i don't need someone else to yak to me about it.
then you look at it. ya, i'm pretty irritated with the harping, shouldn't i be irritated with myself also, since i am also harping about it? i know when i say i hate those people who don't work to get what they want and wait for things to drop from the sky for them, well it's true isn't it? since when will things arrive without you asking?
unfortunately, there are such cases. and i guess that's where people out there complain when they don't get what they want. who's to say they're wrong? there are people out there, when time comes, this is what they get, it's almost as if their life have been planned out properly for them, all they need is just to wait for time to come and poof, there it is, just like the genie said.
hence, who's to say that those people who complain they're wrong? they have the right to do so isn't it? since half their life they've been working their crap out for something they want, while other just have a genie to poof it out of nowhere.
ok, maybe that's like making a mountain out of a molehill, although it's not untrue...
what about compensation? well there are things which you get, and which you don't, but how come people seem to get everything, even those that they don't want or don't need?
that's what i'm talking about. when people don't need or don't work for it, it drops right out of the sky for them, while you work like mad and want it, it doesn't pays off.
so should we just stop working for things we want? since all the more we want it, all the more it doesn't come?
people say that life is fair right? that the Almighty one is fair in treating everyone.
well, i've just proven you wrong. that life isn't fair, take a look at high school. and that Almighty one isn't fair either, take a look at India's widening income gap. there you are. done.so sometimes it isn't the problem that we don't want it when there's a chance. it's the circumstances, and the people involved that makes us think twice. we know, because we have made mistakes in thinking people out there are nice, and with people assuming that this is the outcome. ha. that's the one, assumption.
i remember one phrase that appeared in Time magazine for the virginia tech massacre, one of the police officer was saying 'assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups', because many people heard the bangs, but assumed it was just windows banging against the strong wind...
but yeah, that phrase, as crude as it may sound, rang in my head for quite some time, until now, and that i think it's really true. it's always assumption that led people to that idea that it'll work out that way, coupled with false optimism, and then crap happens.
that's why i remain true to my old self, that pessimism, used properly can may well save some trouble. but the trade-off is that i'll be rather sad most of my life, stressed over things that might just be worth a pinch of salt, and getting angst easily. which might explain why i'm even typing this entry when it's supposed to be the holidays.
but i just find it really irritating, because of the many times people 'rubbing salt to my wounds'. i know i'm heavily flawed, i know it myself, no point telling me over and over again, verbally or nonverbally.
seriously, there are so many cues that has labeled 'i am hurt', and yet people don't seem to pick it up. or maybe there weren't cues at all, perhaps.
and just the other day, my mum's sudden sickness that sent me flying to my dad's work and back just knocked some truth and realization into me. apparently, dad's workplace isn't as shiny as it used to be, sure, we had the best business amongst all the others, and that saturday is like a graveyard there because simply my dad takes a day off. but apparently, some bugger has come and set my parents worrying about certain issues that may very well put them out of job. sure, they have their fall back plans, and covered everything well, even saw the out of job as a way out of it. but somehow i took it differently. it does, and is, that i have a responsibility to take care of the family soon. and that soon, seems to be arriving much sooner than expected.then i sat down and thought, maybe i don't really have much time left. and that maybe the things that i want, but cannot get, could be precisely because i have a responsibility to bear in a few years' time.
for a moment, it seems quite lifting to see a brighter side out of the darkness.
but then, as a coin has two sides, a die has six. it may seem quite bright on one, but if you turn it around, there's the truth, hurting and agonizing, slapped right in your face.
what you don't have, this is very well the last chance to get. after which, it might just say 'sayonara' to you forever. i mean, yeah, after entering workforce, it'll just mean lesser time out for myself right? it'll be another round of 'all hell break loose'. and it seems, i do have alot i want to do, simply overwhelming.
which rounds me back to my conclusion. life isn't fair, just look at chap in t-shirt and jeans sitting next to guy in shirt and tie with a name tag on the mrt. Almighty isn't fair either, look at hospitalized because of work and the maternity leave in the same hospital ward.
once again, life isn't fair. in fact it sux, big time. and it is no amount of fantasizing that's going to replace what's not there, and what's lost. and as much as i hate to say, the time of fantasizing about Grimmjow somehow passed me by after i saw the stark contrast between the world i live in, and the world i thought i lived in.
in fact, i wouldn't be surprised if Grimmjow died of excessive blood loss lying there and i didn't feel sad about it.
people might congratulate me for getting out of fantasy. but i ask this question, without that fantasy, do i even exist? people have concrete evidence, concrete life possessions to make them think fantasizing is for kids with nothing better to do.
fact is, i don't. which would spark off another round of debate whether life is fair or not, which i shall not harp about as i'm really tired of doing that, physically as my hands are tired of typing, and mentally because i can never get to a conclusion.
in fact, now i reflect upon it, anime and manga used to be a life source to me, and quite true to these words, i realise i've been walking around like a living dead zombie ever since i stop watching. at this point, i know people will tell me to find something to occupy my life, and that anime and manga isn't life sources. that, will spark off yet another round of debate whether life is fair or not.
thing is, if i hear it from a fellow 'struggle to get what they want but don't get it', it might be a little encouraging and convincing, i mean, that's social proof right?
but if i hear it from someone who is categorized under 'life planned out perfectly for them', it downright isn't convincing at all.
take it this way. if you are a pheasant, would a 'persevere on, you'll reap benefits' be more soothing to the ear when it comes from a fellow pheasant or a king who has just inherited his throne?
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Saturday, August 9, 2008
sometimes i find it hard to comprehend and have this bugging question.
am i invisible?
i mean, there have been soooo many incidents that made me confirm that i'm invisible, i'm less of an importance compared to other people when i needed help, even my PARENTS didn't know i'm on holidays when i've been harping about it last week.
and i find it extremely hard to understand, not even after reading Cladini's part on why people don't help a poor passerby, that why is it so freaking difficult for people to give one shred of sympathy and help. and all these are in reference to me.
am i that insignificant compared to others?
and frankly, if my efforts to help on various occasions is not enough, anyone who doesn't appreciates it, please let me know. that'll help a great deal in determining if i'm invisible or not.
because even th Joker failed his last experiment, mine could very well be in a different direction, completely different from his results.
and i've just got this feeling, that i want to smash this laptop everytime it happens. but then again i think about it, it makes sense, at the same time it doesn't.
i mean, the medium is the message, and the medium is representative of the message.
nevermind, i don't think anyone would care much anyway. fine.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
so, dark knight still won't load huh. well, nevermind, i found my love anyway, batman begins staring Christian Bale. SHUAI GE!!!! omg! ok i know this is super random, but there was this scene, where strands of his fringe falls like two gel-ed strands on his forehead and his hair combed back, for a moment, i thought he looked SO FREAKING LIKE GRIMMJOW! i mean, give gri-darling black hair, and put that picture with him and the torn shirt (>>>>) side by side with that scene with Bruce Wayne, oh my freaking god it looks just like him!
oh my freaking god
oh my freaking god
oh my freaking god
oh my freaking god
oh my freaking god
oh my freaking god
oh my freaking god
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm freaking serious! i mean they both have long faces, strong jaws (well, gri-darling's name isn't slanged to sound like jaw for nothing), long smile lines, omg i think i better stop... before i can't continue studying... oh my freaking god it really looks like him!!!!!
anyway...
in the midst of finding the marvels of psp movies, i found this interesting song that caught my attention when the guitar started strumming. 'all i want is you' from this weird guy Barry Louis Polisar. well i've never heard of him. and that song came from the movie Juno.
If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and greeen
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves
All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.
All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug
All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.
All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
goshie! the song is freaking nice! and i realise it is a children's song... (heh....) but the movie, ya i think that girl is 'kick-ass' rocking! i just love her attitude. and i think the movie, some parts is so freaking sweet! gosh. it may be a plain movie, perhaps low budget, but it deserved all the awards it received, and more.
the song is so nice!!!!!!!!!!! just that i don't really like the singer... and i can hear bits of hurried breath when he switches to the harmonica... honestly it wasn't a nice thing to hear when you've got earphones plugged in your ear...
well, getting back to study. a few more hours and a turn of the clock i'll be free!
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Sunday, August 3, 2008
found the wonders of a game a classmate of mine gave me LAST SEM... VT3. and my conclusion that, computers, in games, are dumb. because i can have 3-0, 3-0, and 3-0 scores consecutively. laugh my head off.
ok. ehem. once again i'm back to blogging while studing for exams, a routine which i guess won't be off for some time...
kinda depressed about some things actually, like how the world seems to work for others, and screws itself up for me.
forget that whole 'take things as they come' and 'change to suit the world' thing. in this world 95% of the people are imitators, and 5% are initators. either you be one of the 95%, or the 5%, either be the 'those who can, do', or 'those who can't do, teach' category. you're either a winner, or loser.
pretty competitive. and sometimes, i think persuasion book is really right about liking, social proof and all that whole load of crap.
personally, i find that i used to be subjective to them, until one day i realise i always falls under that exception section of the population, the ones that deviate from the norm too much to be counted in. then i realise, i subject to the weapon of Authority the most. because i'm always constantly asking 'what gives you the right to say that' when i hear something.
i mean, yeah, you have got to be either that 5% who has done it, proven it, preached it, and done it again to say whatever you say is correct and true and worth listening.
well, who's going to believe a speaker when whatever he or she speaks differs from what he or she is doing?
you can't tell a person to look on the brighter side of life when you are suffering from depression?
you can't sell a car when you don't even know how that car works even if you don't drive?
simply put, you can't persuade someone unless you have proof that it works, unless you are an authority.
and frankly, i had enough of evidence-less, support-less, non-authority preaching that comes from sources which i can't even begin to say how wrong they are.
and after reading the book, frankly this is probably the only reason to thank that saches person, i learned more about weapons of influence. and probably this is going to make me, the already hard-to-convince sucker for details and evidence, think more into what people say.
try having a go telling me not to be depressed and look at which side of life. unless you are mother teresa, bill gates, al gore, etc, etc, you're not getting me convinced without solid proof and evidence.
and that, despite all hatred for this guy, i thank you, Aristotle, for teaching me about evidence and proof before emotions.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
Friday, August 1, 2008
i'm starting to have weird dreams again.
something is definately wrong with me, and 'someone' isn't doing his job... maybe i should make him count sheeps tonight again.
.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.:
