Thursday, August 30, 2007
YaY! the 50th post! whahahaha.this is the 3rd time, i've updated this blog after a month. whahahaha.
well... who's reading anyway?
so, a few things happened after i last posted, there's SIM UB orientation, then there's lessons. all i've got to say is the time table for me sux, i haven't got my revenge, and i'm not going to survive long. i'll just be on my way, preparing myself a nice coffin and a grave. yay!...ok, enough of school... now for something that i'm really bombed about.
for weeks, or rather months, ok, crap that.... for almost half a year, i was in the 'lost' status. several of my habits changed and it surprised me for some reason. yep, imagining me doing some crazy stuff i never thought, or sometimes said i'll never do... whahaha, i'm contradicting myself... i'm sure
Zephyris is hating my guts when she heard what was going on and saw me stepping into another side, when we agreed some years back that we would not. somehow i knew that i'll be eating my words someday, but just never thought it was to THAT extent...
then half a year, or maybe less than that, thanks to
Zephyris, i was revived. YAY! i was back to where i belonged, with all the brotherhood, friendship and strength from protect kinda stuff. though some things lingered and i was still occasionally putting a toe over that line, but i was back. nostalgic to see those 'pals and buddies' i left behind and they really make me cry and laugh with their usual stuff. well i'm not the only one who was affected by them,
Zeph too. and i realised that i'm back. i'm like, finally home after a long journey, where most part of it was me getting lost and groping my way around. for a while i laughed at that 'me' months back.
and here i thought everything would end, with me going somewhere new, and with my old self back.
but i was wrong. so so so so so so so extremely extremely wrong wrong wrong WRONG! on the first day of my so-called 'new life', halfway through it, i found myself standing beside that particular red line separating me from that side. and i remembered putting myself far far away from that side the night before, when i made resolutions. yeah, resolutions, kinda late to do that, but never mind.
i didn't walk the wrong way, nor did i went after it. it was something from over that line that came looking for me. i knew what it was, although i was trying to convince myself not to jump into conclusions about the identity of it. but somehow, this time, my institution was right, and my argument was wrong.
and there i was, stepping halfway over the line again. my 'pals and buddies' were somewhere out of reach at that time, and therefore unable to save me... but thanks to my argument, even though it was wrong at first, i managed to minimized the amount of damage done to me yesterday.
yup, yesterday... found myself standing on the other side, with both legs in that territory. and it felt like those characters from video games where their HP gets depleted when they tried to step across a particular area of game land where there are damaging factors.
surprisingly... my HP did go down, but it didn't have that 'it was super effective' note attached. but neither did it have that 'it's not very effective...' message...
and that time, i had to make a decision whether to do it or not. there's two possibilities of the outcome if i did it. 1, my depleting HP would heal to it's max and stay there. 2, i get extra damage where my HP would be totally depleted and the 'game over' sign flashes. tough decision, but i decided not to do it. so my HP remained the same for that fleeting moment, before it started draining bit by bit.
and i found myself doing weird stuffs today...
SHOULD NOT HAVE STEP OUT OF HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!i am so gullible. i do things that i knew the outcome won't be nice for me bit nice for others. sometimes i just want to be the bad guy for once. but every time i decide to do that, something would happen and i lose that argument with myself and became the 'hero unsung'. frankly, i'm really tired. with my mind working like a critical machine, i have loads of possibilities and solutions, which in turn have their pros and cons, and this and that. so in the end i find myself lost again.
i'm trying very hard not to agree with my mother on this issue. because if i submit to that, i know i'm going to lose a lot of things, things that i hold very dear to my heart. because of many reasons (thanks to my critical mind again). i'm a novice, i'm an idiot, i'm dumb etc etc.
and i came up with this plan a long time ago to protect myself. my plan was to lock myself up in an icy prison surrounded by an impregnable icy fortress deep in the icy reigons. but apparently there are flaws to my plan. one major one is that the ice melts fast, due to my lack of strength, and two, i seem to be keeping things i want very much away from myself.
it hurts greatly. and i'm someone who is afraid of pain. but apparently there's no one who can help, other than my weak and pathetic self.
hence, i come to the same conclusion again, like every other time, every other entry...
waiting for lightning to strike me. 