Saturday, July 25, 2009
Goodbye Dear Cousin Chong Hao,
i've known you ever since i was born literately, but not figuratively. i never had a proper conversation with you, the last time i remembered talking to you was a phone call to ask about something medical. since then, i never saw you, until today, but i doubt you even know i was at your bed, chanting sutras together with your friends, sending you on your last journey.
since young i've followed your footsteps silently. my mum sang praises of you, quoted you, used you as an example every time i deviated from the right path by a little. you were a role model, a goal, and a competitor to me.
but from some time onwards, i realise that i do not have the same capabilities as you, perhaps due to the environment in which we grew up and people we meet, i fell short of your path, while you continued to climb the ladder of your chosen path, and earned your title of a Dr, literately and figuratively, someone who does save lives, and attained the highest order of education.
to a person who deviated from the 'right' path, as pre-determined by our parents, i decided not to follow your path anymore, both because of self and environmental issues, as a result, academically, i did not attained the goals that you did. musically, i tried, failed, but attained something that i thought was worthy to be equated to your accomplishment.
i remembered there was a period of time my mum tried to convince you of finding a partner, and you politely tried to counter-convince my mum and your mum. at that time you were already climbing a ladder many young aspiring singaporeans dream of. i remembered meeting you twice outside, a comical incident at the hospital, and another on the bus. both were mid-day, and you told me and my mum you just knocked off from work ever since the morning the day before. at that point i remembered telling my mum that if it were me, i would have died from such heavy work. but to you, it was a fulfilling and gratifying career.
and despite the heavy workload and busy schedule, you still found time to see the world. you visited places of breath-taking beauty, rich cultural heritage, and seen things most people have never seen. you appreciated the beauty which many of us did not. i'm reminded of this small little question and answer session i had during one our relative's wedding, you were explaining many different cultural significance of the architecture and sculptures in india, on one of your trips. i was amazed that you could remember all of what you found out. and once again, i had the urge to walk your path again.
i remembered again, that you were working at the ICU during the SARS outbreak. at that time, i accompanied my mum folding countless paper cranes as a gesture to support you. but unfortunately it never reached your hands. till this day, i kept questioning, what would be your reaction when you received those cranes? would our relationship as cousins, son and daughter of very close sisters improve? the answer wouldn't come, not anymore.
i was happy for you, when i got news of you having found a partner, and i truly thought it was a good match. and yet, during the many meetings, be it with my parents or with me, we never spoke. i tried to, but it was cut off, or ignored. at that time i wasn't happy about it, and perhaps complained to my mum, if memory serves.
nevertheless, i still supported you on your career, be happy for you for your wedding, continued to envy your priceless experiences, and strived to walk that path of yours. you never know these things, i doubt you did, and never will.
the previous time i saw you, you were on cloud nine, blissfully holding the woman of your dreams with a bright new life ahead of you. and yet, the next time i saw you, you were on your deathbed, oblivious to all around you. even though i have no memory of times spent with you, but you were a role model that i looked up to. hence i did what i could at the time, chanting the sutras which you have taken effort to undertand to you with your friends, who stood by you right till the end.
you have wonderful friends. friends of all ages and sizes. friends who took the liberty of taking leaves, staying by your side, finding help, and recited pages of mantra, sutras, meditations over and over again since god knows what time since morning to ease your sufferings. and from what your friends recited together with the sutras and mantra, your contributions and merits this lifetime, i can't help but being reminded of the path you took once again. and as i chanted together with them, i realise, that path was right in front of me, just one step away.
right now as i'm typing this, i'm fighting back the tears i swore not to shed before arriving at your house today, the tears i fought back when i saw your family's tear-washed eyes and faces, the tears i fought back as i listened to your contributions and merits. because i remembered someone once told me, that the amount of tears you shed for someone before or after death, will equate to the amount of unwillingness and resistance of that someone to pass on peacefully. for you, it will be to be with Buddha, and the various Bodhisattvas you based your learnings from.
i hope that you'll find your place in the afterlife, hopefully it is as said, with Buddha and the various Bodhisattvas, or a good next life, if you believed in reincarnation. and i will continue to strive for your path, look up to you as a role model, a goal, and a competitor.
with that,
Goodbye Dear Cousin Chong Hao.
