Thursday, May 14, 2009
come to think of it, i encountered some pretty creepy stuff these days that on the surface it seems normal but if you spare it a little more thought it becomes incomprehensible and scary to the extent that it freaks me out for that fraction of a second. somehow these moments come and go as simple as sitting next to someone and finding out the smallest of similarities or just logging into facebook and seeing a change in someone's messages...
i think i finally found out the real reason why i loved stuff toys so much (after watching the most unlikely person cuddle a life-size elmo and subsequently a dog...). in the past i used to sleep alone, go home to an empty home, and play alone at home. that's when i started giving each stuff toy i had at that time a name and a role to play. and i'll be narrating their lines with different voices, something like a one-man-puppet-show, with stuffies talking to me and me talking back to them. i think that's why i didn't feel alone, despite countless number of people asking me if i was. to me they were an important presence, a presence that kept the meaning of 'lonely' away for most of my life. gradually that habit stopped, but their presence never did went away. sure, some stuffies come and go, and now i don't even remember where half of them went, but as i looked back, my bed throughout my 20 years of life comprised of not just pillows and blankets, but also a small number of stuffies, personified stuffies that is. of course, there will be a time when i know the real meaning of 'lonely', and yes it down right sucked big time and not even the most lovable of stuffies can help.
reminiscing with an old friend who perhaps bear almost similar encounters at least let me know i'm not the only one in this world, something that i found out that despite it's uniqueness, it is a void that is almost crushing, being 'the only one' that is.
it freaks me out to the extent that i just want to curl up somewhere and just brawl. and after watching all sorts of anime, one would think that someone special would find you curling up like a frightened fox child and comfort you. but sadly, that's only reserved in the virtual world. in real life i know you can curl up somwhere and weep until your whole body dries up like preserved pork and it'll still take a few months for the most remote person to find you. i think by that time it's already too late. (like duh... hahaha!!)
all the nights spent dreaming of weird and random stuff that remotely don't even cross a normal working mind is perhaps the worst of all. and i believe it's because waking up in tears in the coldest of air resembles that void that i hated so much that i never wanted to experience it again.
but the lucky thing is that such things come and go the moment i drift off into another phase of sleep, but that's what vicious cycles are for, they come and go and come back again in a never ending circle that serves to drive you nuts.
in addition to feeling deja vu during the day which actually happened in my dreams, external sources of fear gang up against you, it's a win-lose situation. you lose and fear wins.
