Friday, March 20, 2009
it is amazing, how i define certain words.
i never knew what lonely was even i was the only child, subjected to long hours of solitude since young, until that day when i woke up to find myself in a million pieces and i couldn't reach anyone
i never knew what stress was even the days i had to endure hours of non-stop work even with people constantly reminding me of the symptoms of stress, until that day i realise my multitasking skills was not enough to be reading 8 articles on my desk, typing 1 outline, 1 treatment paper, and researching for 3 topics at the same time...
i never knew what fatigue was even with surviving for 3 hours of sleep each day just to complete work or helping others, until that day i dozed off during armstrong's class even after 6 hours of sleep
i never knew what hurt was, even when i was always in the shadows or being treated as a stepping stone, until the day i sat down to cry for absolutely no reason at all
in fact, i don't know what's going on anymore. i've been pretty much living on a day-by-day basis ever since the start of my UB life, i was never able to look beyond tomorrow. it was tomorrow's attendance, tomorrow's outline, tomorrow's quiz, tomorrow's exam, tomorrow's presentation, tomorrow's speech...
even if i do look beyond tomorrow, it's still the same, next week's exam, next week's deadline, next week's speech...
i start to ask myself, do i have a life?
just when my answer came, i found myself in yet another pit of chaos.
i overestimated my abilities, thinking i could cope
i overestimated my endurance, thinking i could take it all
i overestimated my intelligence, thinking i could figure it out
i overestimated my talents, thinking that they are my forte
3 research papers, 4 speeches, 4 outlines, 7 exams, 3 presentations, 8 assignments, 4 quizes, all within 15 weeks of hell, 105 days of torment and fatigue. i don't even want to think about the amount of work needed.
in fact, i overestimated myself, thinking i'm someone worthy of hope
in the end, i'm pretending to be someone i'm not. all the while i thought, that i created Raiin, i can be like her, or even the notion of i AM her.
now i know, i was the delusion-ed one. all these while, thinking i'm smarter, more rational, more capable.
i couldn't be more wrong
i can never do things right huh?
