Monday, February 23, 2009
funny how law of attraction works. and i remembered a simple example given in the book under the section 'relationships'.
there was this guy, who loves to paint. but the pictures that he painted were of women, portrayed at an angle that is turning away from the viewer. so a LOA guru came along and said 'yeah, you must have a lot of relationship problems'. judging from what he drew, right from the bottom of his heart, which is what he is focusing on. women turning away from him. and so in the end, he painted the other way round. and soon he was dating women all the time. alas he got tired of searching, he wanted to settle down. so the LOA guru say once again. 'paint it, paint what you want'. and so he did, painted a beautiful picture of him in a happy family. and now, as true to what was painted, he's living happily ever after.
sounds freaky? like he's holding some magic brush that can paint whatever he wants?
not too long ago, as i was reading through the past fictions that i wrote, it occured to me while i was walking to the washroom in school, that, fictions that i wrote, aren't they the same as the paintings that guy painted? it came right from my heart, that i advocated it. and as i recall back, i advocated the life Raiin led, in all my heart i told myself that's who i am, who i was going to be. i believed in what i wrote. and got exactly what i wrote and believed. never have i spared a shred of believe for that particular thing that Raiin got in the end. all i knew was to submit to her fate.
then i realise, yeah, despite written so many other fictions that advocated what Raiin lacked, i never believed in them. despite them coming from the depths of my heart, i never spared a thought for them.
and all in the end, came back to me today in school. while waiting for the next class to start, it rained. as i sat in a corner, buffeted by some drops of rain, reading in the dark at the notes, listening to "the sacred pool of tears", my mind drifted off, and i wondered for a while, how nice would it be if...
and i looked around me, the entire table, was people with what i wanted that i don't have, and that painful stab pierced my heart for the countless-th time. and and i thought to myself, 'ouch'.
i couldn't continue to listen to that song anymore despite it being my current favourite song. i swapped, with 'Driving with the top down'.
and there it was. a total change in mood and attitude. and suddenly i don't feel powerless anymore, i don't feel weak, that i needed to lean. i felt powerful, that my life is in my own hands, and i control what i want. so what if i don't have it? i don't need it.
it hit me after a while, that music really affects me to a huge degree. two contrasting songs, but a total change in mood and attitude. i really have to hand it to music and soundtracks, they are really my greatest weakness.
and moments before i typed this entry, it hit me again. this was exactly what i wrote, in one of the fictions some time ago.
"soundtracks, that's the greatest weakness of your impregnable fortress"
and here i am, shaking my head, in fact i'm at a total loss now. and that familiar tug is there, the all too familiar, too soon to forget pain is still there, and i laugh at myself...
i'm really weak.
