Wednesday, November 12, 2008
on the bus, i slept for a while, and when i woke up, a thought suddenly flashed through my mind.
"Go home and play piano."and true enough, i didn't feel like sleeping after alighting, my one thought was to get home and play piano.
shifted my laptop to my piano room, made a ridiculous make-shift 'table' so that the laptop is on level with my hands... and started to figure out that two lines of melody from D-Grayman that sent me crying at 4 plus am in the morning that day. then i thought i had it done, and miraculously, someone over the internet transcribed it. hahahaha, like real. hey dude, the last part of the base is wrong. and one of your chords for first melody is also off. so conclusion, just trust my ears.
then it started to rain. skype-chatted with angie about our soci individual assignment, the considerably ambiguous one while playing the piano at the same time. score after score i scoured through, typing and deleting parts of the assignment when it started to rain really heavily. like REALLY heavily. and at that time i was at colors of the wind. I had to Bloody Fight with The Rain's Sound to even Hear myself Play. it was then, that feeling came back.
now i remember why i love to play the piano when nobody is around, like when the new flat wasn't even populated and i was the only one banging the piano at like 10 pm without aircon. and i love removing all the things that are covering the piano and open up every possible lid and just bang my way through.
i just love that feeling, of not giving a freaking damn about what people say, heck care about all the wrong notes, just play my heart out. as fast as possible, as furious as i can get. i just love that feeling.
i once heard someone say (forgot who) that he/she loves to play music when it's raining. and right you are, whoever you may be, that it's damn freaking awesome to be playing when it's raining.
and by the time i finished that song 3 times, haha my fingers were already red at the sides from too much jumping keys. but it was worth it.
then i have no idea why, the next score was rather emo. then i don't know why i had the sudden urge to play all the slow and tragic and peaceful and whatever it is. yep, the rain was getting to me. i felt sad out of a sudden... (call me bi-polar, i don't care...)
then i remembered telling pal a few days ago (i think..) that it's only a matter of time that i lose confidence in piano, and then the entire realm of music. it's just sometimes that no matter how you try, the mistakes are just there, you can't get over the threshold, you simply can't advance like you hope to.
claire played twinkle twinkle little star on violin today in class, due to our enthusiasm to hear her play, even honolulu turned around to give her her full attention. and at that time, i had the sudden urge to learn violin. i guess that's why the thought to play music came into my head.
but even it was full of mistakes, that i lost touch with many songs, muscle memory was there to save me. played 'arrival of queen of sheba' in the rain after that, and i'm amazed at how i could pull that song off after so long of not playing. then as i tapped the keys in accending order, i was reminded that ages ago i struggled with this passage. i can just never get the notes together, coordination of my left and right hand was just totally out.
then at that time, i saw another image, i saw myself at night, isolated in the room, just playing those 5 pages of running notes over and over and over again. i remembered how tired my hands were, how my back was totally aching after those rounds, how the next day i couldn't hold a pen. it's like, hey i don't even Like that song, ya sure it's nice, but not to the extend of me scouring though the internet just for that score. but yet, i sat there for hours, days just to practice.
then there's "for real", it took me like eons just to get the left hand parts to sound just like the recording. then there's the everyday 8 o clock evening practice piano for 1 hour.
i know, i don't have that talent to just see something and play like as if i'm breathing. i corrected so many people that it isn't talent that got me this far, it was hard work. because i got to interact with music, till this day i remain convinced that it was just a stroke of luck.
and if that's the case, starting at such a young age, 18 years of hardwork, are they really going to be wasted?
in fact i ask myself, who am i playing for? what is my purpose? and why in the first place i'm playing it?
2nd round of rain came, the adrenaline rush wasn't there anymore, but the emo songs came out better. and i think, i'm lost, once again.
but i think the most important question is, what the hell am i doing...?
