Sunday, November 30, 2008
oooo long time no blog le. let's see. i'm eating noodles in the middle of the day, after plowing through com theory textbook and notes. hmm... conclusion, my sofa is a great place for slacking and studying without distractions other than my mum's constant noises. whahahaha
hmmm... past few days, or week i don't know, hmmm... alot has happened. yes, been crying into late hours of the night, doing silly things, thinking excessively, yes yes, emoing, 'practicing' dramaturgy, acting not myself, putting up fronts, wasting tissue papers, and most importantly, attempting to run away.
strange thing about LOA, ya, sure you want something badly, for some time already, you exercise LOA, hoping it'll come, believing it will come, receiving it as it come, and then SMACK, the truth comes.
"Are you ready for it?"
haha, i laugh at my own silliness by using LOA without thinking about EVERY possible outlets, consequences and possibilities. haha it caught me off-guard. but yes, i'm not ready, and most importantly, i don't want to lose something that i value with high regards.
but well, i guess even though there was excessive tearings and cryings, it's not such a bad thing afterall. i mean, i cry when i want to, and after that, i'm fine. i pick myself up again and move on. a voice tells me, 'hey, what are you crying for silly?!' and yeah, what was i crying about? i don't remember. haha. so? move on. let it go.
and most importantly, i don't want to run away. what's the point actually? i'm just making things worse than it would have been. haha, and running away, that's not what Raiin will do. she can pretend nothing happened, she can take things as they come, slash and cut whatever that obstructs her, but she'll never run away. i almost forgot about that.
all the while, thinking about fading away, running away, not facing it. hahahahahaha, dumb girl. but guess i realised it fast. at that time, it may not be running away, doesn't matter. at least now i know, if it turns out to be what i predicted, and by not running away, the situation turns for the worse, and i lose that something i hold a high regard, at that time, i know it was supposed to be this way, and perhaps, being powerless and really knowing that you've made the effort does make it feel less bad that it turned out not okay. hahahaha
we have so many failures, losing what we have, it is so that we'll appreciate it more when the real thing comes.
if you look at things in a small picture, yes it seems horrible and unbearable, but in time to come, when we are old and we are able to look at the big picture, i'm sure at that time, the answer would be different.
i don't want to run away anymore
i will cry when i feel like it, even for no reason
i will pick myself up after each time i fall
i will protect myself from hurt
but i won't do it by running away
