Friday, November 21, 2008
212th post, nice number.
blogging when i should be doing my slides, reading other blogs when i should be doing my slides.
been slacking for 3 days already, ok make that 4. i shall TRY to do some work today. heck it.
i feel damn sleepy now. and it's like 10.51 in the morning. why the hell did i wake up so early? thanks to some idiot who wants to install a door for my parents' room... curse that idiot who didn't do his job properly in the first place, curse the hole that collected water on the floor, curse the termites who chewed on my parents' floor, curse that idiot who refused to check the problem properly, curse that loud speaker who keeps saying he'll do and annoy me out of my bed, curse that pathetic guy who still dare to push blame, curse that desginer who cleverely weaseled out of this, curse this curse that.
i hate waking up early and doing nothing. in fact, i slept for only 4 hours DESPITE today and yesterday are SCHOOL-LESS days... if they arranged it at 1 oclock like they USUALLY do, i won't be so annoyed. i don't care i'm taking a nap later. wake me up for NOTHING and prepare to face my wrath.
i did something stupid. i went to brush Glacier's fur with water and dry it using a hair dryer... (roll eyes)
overslept yesterday and missed the bidding like completely, and i got into classes that clashed. damn it. feel like killing something right now.
if i'm living on LOA, so what the hell did i think of that's negative that brought so many unhappiness? first my dad, then that something, now this, i don't know what's next, and i don't even dare to speculate. so damn irritated.
attract happiness, positive things. ok that's what i'll TRY to do.
creepy feeling crawling onto me lately, and i'm wondering what if this time i really fall? being opposite of pal, i'm a 'wai gang nei rou' person, and i told her before, if my exterior crumbles, i'm officially declared dead. that's why i must have a strong character and personality, (yep, thanks to pal for telling me this when two people are conspiring near the POOL table when i'm trying to sink a ball). but too bad, i can feel the fortress crumbling bit by bit until the hole is huge enough.
i feel like i'm walking at the edges of a cliff. afraid of questions, afraid of the answers. maybe i should just accept the fact that
some people are, and some people ain't.
that way i might be able to feel better knowing that things are just the way it is and i don't have the power to change.
being independent, i guess is really tiring. because it puts you on your toes all the time and theres not a minute of rest.
that's why i admire independent people the most. the attitude that what will come, will come, and i'll be able to handle that. that confidence just amaze me, something which i don't have. the optimism to live every day to the fullest and best they can, and looking back with no regrets. the motto that they have, 'as long as we are happy, other issues doesn't matter'.
and i wonder when will i have half of what they have.
suddenly i don't feel sleepy and angsty anymore...
when that day come, yes, i will be sad, but i promise myself, the most i'll do is bury myself at some place for a few days and cry. and after that i'll pick myself up and start living again.
i just hope that at the present moment, i don't fall deeper and harder, because i know, it's all dramaturgy. and i'm not a good actor, nor a player. and if i really fall, i know there's no one there to help me up, that's why i'm doing all these to save myself, and not to wait until the hole is too big in the fortress and declare myself dead.
between regret and death, on normal circumstances, i'll choose death. but i know, at this stage, i can't afford to be dead, there are many things that will one day fall upon my shoulders to carry. hence i choose to regret, that i may lose it, or that i let an opportunity go.
