Wednesday, August 13, 2008
new look on the blog, looks relatively plain, compared to the overwhelming pictures of Gri-darling last time. looks super plain... might change it again.. hmm..despite waking up early today, i spent the whole morning lying in bed and thinking.
frankly, i'm very unhappy with my life now. and there are various points to name, of which i prefer not to pen down. and i guess that's the reason why i live my previous weeks in agony.perhaps that's where people say 'you're unhappy because you compare yourself with others'. sure, that's pretty agonizing, but i prefer to think of it as a natural course in people's life. try to convince me not to compare myself with others, unless you are a genuinely happy beggar out on the streets, i'm not going to be persuaded. don't forget, i'm armed with cladini's influence. so go ahead and try, i'll guarantee you'll fail.
but well, it's quite true that people always have what they want, while i don't. hearing Shinn harping about this turned the compass needle pointing somewhere else. ya, i'm pretty sick and tired about hearing this whole 'people get what they want easily while we all struggle', because half my life i've been complaining about it myself, i don't need someone else to yak to me about it.
then you look at it. ya, i'm pretty irritated with the harping, shouldn't i be irritated with myself also, since i am also harping about it? i know when i say i hate those people who don't work to get what they want and wait for things to drop from the sky for them, well it's true isn't it? since when will things arrive without you asking?
unfortunately, there are such cases. and i guess that's where people out there complain when they don't get what they want. who's to say they're wrong? there are people out there, when time comes, this is what they get, it's almost as if their life have been planned out properly for them, all they need is just to wait for time to come and poof, there it is, just like the genie said.
hence, who's to say that those people who complain they're wrong? they have the right to do so isn't it? since half their life they've been working their crap out for something they want, while other just have a genie to poof it out of nowhere.
ok, maybe that's like making a mountain out of a molehill, although it's not untrue...
what about compensation? well there are things which you get, and which you don't, but how come people seem to get everything, even those that they don't want or don't need?
that's what i'm talking about. when people don't need or don't work for it, it drops right out of the sky for them, while you work like mad and want it, it doesn't pays off.
so should we just stop working for things we want? since all the more we want it, all the more it doesn't come?
people say that life is fair right? that the Almighty one is fair in treating everyone.
well, i've just proven you wrong. that life isn't fair, take a look at high school. and that Almighty one isn't fair either, take a look at India's widening income gap. there you are. done.so sometimes it isn't the problem that we don't want it when there's a chance. it's the circumstances, and the people involved that makes us think twice. we know, because we have made mistakes in thinking people out there are nice, and with people assuming that this is the outcome. ha. that's the one, assumption.
i remember one phrase that appeared in Time magazine for the virginia tech massacre, one of the police officer was saying 'assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups', because many people heard the bangs, but assumed it was just windows banging against the strong wind...
but yeah, that phrase, as crude as it may sound, rang in my head for quite some time, until now, and that i think it's really true. it's always assumption that led people to that idea that it'll work out that way, coupled with false optimism, and then crap happens.
that's why i remain true to my old self, that pessimism, used properly can may well save some trouble. but the trade-off is that i'll be rather sad most of my life, stressed over things that might just be worth a pinch of salt, and getting angst easily. which might explain why i'm even typing this entry when it's supposed to be the holidays.
but i just find it really irritating, because of the many times people 'rubbing salt to my wounds'. i know i'm heavily flawed, i know it myself, no point telling me over and over again, verbally or nonverbally.
seriously, there are so many cues that has labeled 'i am hurt', and yet people don't seem to pick it up. or maybe there weren't cues at all, perhaps.
and just the other day, my mum's sudden sickness that sent me flying to my dad's work and back just knocked some truth and realization into me. apparently, dad's workplace isn't as shiny as it used to be, sure, we had the best business amongst all the others, and that saturday is like a graveyard there because simply my dad takes a day off. but apparently, some bugger has come and set my parents worrying about certain issues that may very well put them out of job. sure, they have their fall back plans, and covered everything well, even saw the out of job as a way out of it. but somehow i took it differently. it does, and is, that i have a responsibility to take care of the family soon. and that soon, seems to be arriving much sooner than expected.then i sat down and thought, maybe i don't really have much time left. and that maybe the things that i want, but cannot get, could be precisely because i have a responsibility to bear in a few years' time.
for a moment, it seems quite lifting to see a brighter side out of the darkness.
but then, as a coin has two sides, a die has six. it may seem quite bright on one, but if you turn it around, there's the truth, hurting and agonizing, slapped right in your face.
what you don't have, this is very well the last chance to get. after which, it might just say 'sayonara' to you forever. i mean, yeah, after entering workforce, it'll just mean lesser time out for myself right? it'll be another round of 'all hell break loose'. and it seems, i do have alot i want to do, simply overwhelming.
which rounds me back to my conclusion. life isn't fair, just look at chap in t-shirt and jeans sitting next to guy in shirt and tie with a name tag on the mrt. Almighty isn't fair either, look at hospitalized because of work and the maternity leave in the same hospital ward.
once again, life isn't fair. in fact it sux, big time. and it is no amount of fantasizing that's going to replace what's not there, and what's lost. and as much as i hate to say, the time of fantasizing about Grimmjow somehow passed me by after i saw the stark contrast between the world i live in, and the world i thought i lived in.
in fact, i wouldn't be surprised if Grimmjow died of excessive blood loss lying there and i didn't feel sad about it.
people might congratulate me for getting out of fantasy. but i ask this question, without that fantasy, do i even exist? people have concrete evidence, concrete life possessions to make them think fantasizing is for kids with nothing better to do.
fact is, i don't. which would spark off another round of debate whether life is fair or not, which i shall not harp about as i'm really tired of doing that, physically as my hands are tired of typing, and mentally because i can never get to a conclusion.
in fact, now i reflect upon it, anime and manga used to be a life source to me, and quite true to these words, i realise i've been walking around like a living dead zombie ever since i stop watching. at this point, i know people will tell me to find something to occupy my life, and that anime and manga isn't life sources. that, will spark off yet another round of debate whether life is fair or not.
thing is, if i hear it from a fellow 'struggle to get what they want but don't get it', it might be a little encouraging and convincing, i mean, that's social proof right?
but if i hear it from someone who is categorized under 'life planned out perfectly for them', it downright isn't convincing at all.
take it this way. if you are a pheasant, would a 'persevere on, you'll reap benefits' be more soothing to the ear when it comes from a fellow pheasant or a king who has just inherited his throne?
