Friday, July 25, 2008
these few days while i'm sick with an angsty stomach, down with fatigue and the addiction of my comfy bed was really insightful. not that i realised what food poisoning/stomach flu/gastric blah blah blah is finally because quite frankly i really haven't got the faintest idea what hit me. but physical damage aside, i realise i've been living these months in delusion.
and the sickness that i was down with, whatever that was, was really reality check. despite trying to combat it by myself, barfing everything i ate and keeping it hidden from my mum until i couldn't take it anymore and made a dash for the bathroom right under her nose. physically, i try to be independent. but mentally, i realise i've been too reliant.
i always thought andrew saches' lessons was true. that reciprocation exists and is a powerful tool of influence and persuasion. but like i said, it doesn't exist in singapore. in fact many of his tools are not powerful here, though they may be back in the U.S. and i've come to realise that, sometimes, you predict this to be so, hence hoping people pick up nonverbal cues and so on, and hence deriving at the desired outcome, that's call day dreaming.
and i really learnt that individualism, despite how collectivists see it, is in fact an important value to have and use. why else would America succeed better than other cultures, despite the many bad images they already have.
seriously, i've got to stand on my own. frankly, just throwing out missy goody two shoes for a moment, and everything will make sense.
how many times have i hoped that people will come help me but none did even if they knew my plight?
how many times have i hoped people might pick up signs and render help so as to save me from asking the awkward question of asking?
how many times have i tried to get my way but because i was bounded by collectivistic unspoken rules?
alot
many
lost count.
so am i turning against my culture? i mean it's seriousy driving me insane to be constantly reminded of my own roots and at the same time presented with another side of th coin which everything i learn seems to apply.
i tried my best to make everyone happy. and i hate it when i'm the one doing all the work. because that's the sick part of being in a collectivistic culture. everyone waits for everyone to move. and that 'i thought this is so hence i didn't' thing.
seriously, i feel like burying myself away and probably everyone will feel relieve that they finally gotten rid of me.
