Saturday, June 7, 2008
once again, i find myself thinking about that fallacy, fallacy of approval.
i guess i always try my best to seek approval from everyone, even those whom i don't really like. somehow, being a perfectionist in training, i guess it comes naturally to me that everything must go according to plan, and anything deviates, no matter how small is intolerable.
but frankly, the definition of everyone and everything does have a boundary no matter how broad it encompasses. for me, it is important how my friends view me. friends, acquaintances, people i know. to me it is important how people view me, and how they treat me.
i know i'm rather sensitive, to the extent that if anyone who sees how my brain works would probably think i'm a freak and run away. (haha) but i can't help it. i pay attention to details, like how my friends talk to me, the extend of what they tell me.
i know, by now, some of my old friends would have realise why i keep asking 'are you ok' and 'what happen to you' out of nothing. yes i know i'm rather irriating when i do that. and somehow, i usually choose the wrong time to ask, and therefore irritate my friends further. or sometimes i don't even say, and end up i don't know anything at all.
regardless of which, my friends are way much important to me than they might think, after all, i am the only child at home, and the only people whom i talk to other than my parents are my friends. and somehow it'll just kill me to sit beside a friend whom i know and not talk to them.
and what i worry most is people disliking me. i know from secondary school onwards that i'm a rather hatable person no matter where i go, it just sort of kicked in that i'm always the one on a different frequency with my peers. and sometimes despite me saying that i'm used to being the last to know everything, i actually hate it. and i know how horrible it feels, which is why i usually tell the others what i know that they'll probably want to know.
and sometimes i know from people's, pardon my COM225 terms again, non verbal cues, i can tell if someone doesn't wants to talk to me. and it just sort of natural that i would wonder what did i do wrong to the person.
by the time you get down to reading this part, i'm sure whoever's reading this would be rather annoyed and thinking 'what's wrong with this person'. but somehow, it all seems like a natural process to me. that i seek approval, and not be hated by others.
