Tuesday, June 17, 2008
well, skipped out of lesson this morning so i could squeeze some time to study for PSY250, turns out the exam slaughtered me. wendy gave me a scare by tugging my jacket as i was leaving the hall. quote you HW Lee, i 'skipped a beat'. hur hur. sorry, back to the no mood for laughing.
and for some reason, the movie Bedazzled just popped into my mind just as i was eating lunch in front of the com and ya, i just wanted to watch that last part.
'The whole God and Devil thing, it all boils down to you. You don't have to look very hard for heaven and hell, they are right here on earth.'
i just wanted to hear that line for some reason. and i did. turns out, after hearing Sister Hazel's 'Change your mind' at the end of the movie, i felt rather great. i mean, ya, if you can't have something, change your mind about it, and look at it another way, or look for something else. there is something for everyone right?
so i felt great when i stepped out of house. only to be dashed upon reaching home, and another movie, something that i didn't get to finish, but something i wanted to watch for some reason, just came up on my screen while i was eating dinner and throw me into confusion.
the reason why i didn't finish that movie that time, was partially it didn't load as fast, and also another reason which i seem to have forgotten.
frankly, at the beginning of the movie, i was already feeling quite bad about it, and thank a million i didn't catch it in the theaters. so i should say that at least there's a saving grace in me not stepping into the theaters for so long...
and for some reason, i came back home today, and just wanted to do something before i get down to work, and didn't want to maple, or go msn, partially due to some other issues again... i seem to have a lot of issues huh...?
shrugs
and somehow, that movie just popped out and ya. watched it. and i realised why i didn't want to finish that the other time.
but what it was said inside, was true. i mean, that's the reason why i hate fairytales. they are simply not true.
and if that's the case, i should just admit it. i am after all, right? and what's the point of doing everything for hopes that things might turn out the other way, when i know the solution lies in the other direction, or it simply does not exist?!
and as hard as i try, i still couldn't keep myself from taking tissue to wipe my eyes. i mean, ya, i am emotional, and when you are hit by a truth that hurts, well, the truth always hurts anyway, you sometimes cannot help but just let loose a few tears.
but it's not like i don't know it myself. i already knew it, right from quite some time ago, maybe even longer than that. maybe even for years, and i just didn't want to acknowledge it, accept it, and live with it.
so i'm really confused. is denial more painful, or is realization more hurting? and i really don't know, because right now, i'm stuck between these two ends, unable to pin point where the infliction comes from.
and seriously, i got to stop dreaming. i don't give a damn about what the old lady says that 'if you don't pursue your dreams, you die'. because some dreams are really not worth pursuing, not if you know the outcome is just emptiness.
and lastly i got to stop fantasising. they are the number one evidence that i'm always in denial. and sometimes, to some extent, i cannot differentiate real life from fantasy. it seems it was there for me to grab, but when i reach out only to realise it's all in my head.
and i realise, despite saying this for god knows how many times, i need to revert myself back to my original self. and all these while, i'm reverting to the wrong one. and i think it's time, to go back to how it was last time, where i can at least keep my sanity and know what i'm doing at the same time.
we have our parts to play, and ya, we should play them well. and just accept the no reason why you are assigned this place. and just take those spoken or unspoken, insults or not, just take them.
