Sunday, May 11, 2008
a phenomenal sight greeted my refined vision with new glasses as i stepped out of the shelter of Fork and Spoon at toa payoh yesterday after a not so heavy lunch. with regards of the fact that this is after all a blog which a small fraction of people reads, and that whatever i'm going to say might be an arrow to a few people, and most importantly, gives the wrong impression of me, i shall not dwell deep into this matter, but just a reminder in case one day i re-read my entries and find myself blur as to what happened, it is regarding someone whom, after a particular incident eons ago i told myself i will never acquaint myself with despite being modestly blood related, and someone who for the first time in my life i've seen with a front tooth missing.
yes, i prefer to acknowledge my observation skills that i saw this person. but as pathetic my will power as subjected to guilt factors, i decided to alert my dad about the presence of this particular someone. i chose to phrase my words properly, and in any case if anything backfires, i can aways blame my new glasses. so yes, greetings, hi hi where is who what is what, and to prevent awkwardness and all sort of silence that might otherwise make an already reluctant meeting worse, i decided to throw in a usual joke of mine, accusing people of not noticing me as i walk by. not that i'm complaining, but just to relieve the air.
and sure, supposedly this person grew a little more smart, and the meeting was no more than perhaps 1 minute, and to prevent my dad from saying what i don't want to hear, i decided to swerve the direction of my dad's thinking away, which i must say, absolute unnecessary because, i forgot, i'm dealing with my dad, not my mum.
but as soon as my mum heard of this peculiar meeting with this two somones, i decided to feign fatigue, which to some extent was rather successful because i really did not sleep the night before. and so my mum and dad rambled on, and after a while everything stops and changed subject. good sign, time to wake up.
reason why i'm making such a big fuss over this little 1 minute meeting is because, i have decided to disregard this person as my relative. not because he on several occasion called me 'fat woman' in front of quite a number of people, not because of what so ever reasons. frankly, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. if it does, like i've said in some entry back, i would already be skin and bones, but look, i'm still well overweight and look horrible in photos, shows that plain outright his words have no effect on me. and it is no amount of macdonalds fillet o fish or fries is going to change my impression and my attitude towards this person. because simply, i've lost all respect for this person, ever since
That incident happened, and it sort of snowballed further into alot more unpleasant tales about this person.
and to see this person, at
that situation, doing something which on normal occasions with other people will make me say 'aww' but in this case, i want to go find the nearest washroom and stick a finger down my thoat, makes me wonder for a moment, should i go die or something. because, i see no connection between the facts that i had, the math really don't work here.
in fact, i'm suddenly reminded of something wrote not long ago. there are somethings in life that cannot be explained, so don't bother because it's a waste of time. absolute truth.
but i really wonder, the essence and significance, and most importantly, the process and the details. because lik i've said, the math really don't work.i mean, how the freak did it happened? and after hearing my parents, how the hell, did it survive until now?but then again, haha, with regards to his history, and that particular incident that happen, it should come as no surprise. but for me, it just meant a higher level of security against this person.
quite frankly, now that i turn back and replay the situation again, i felt as though my dinner can be postponed for a decade. and true enough, i survived rebonding my hair sitting in the same position and no water and food for until late in the night.
as for rebonding my hair, i've got nothing to say, except that there is a reason why, when going to a new salon or any where in fact, i always prefer a female stylist. because i simply cannot stand why is it that people always say guy stylists are better when they can fail to notice that they are in fact scratching my ear stud while washing my hair.
did i give you the permission to scratch my hair like a cat?
did you not notice i keep raising my hand to rub my earlobe every time you scratched it?
are you even allowed to keep long fingernails?
and since when, did my stylist say you can touch my hair?
without my glasses, i can still tell you don't have piercings. normally i would strongly discourage guys from piercing their ears, but this time i'll make an exception.
you, my friend, oh sorry, not friend, idiot, kindly go have a piercing and i'll see how you survive washing your own hair with your own hands.
because my somehow healed piercing was once again wounded again, and thanks to you, it WAS bleeding at that time.
go and thank god that i cannot see your face clearly and hence forget about remembering, because the next time i see you you're a piece of dead meat waiting to be baked into a meat pie.
and after finishing with my new hairdo, i realise something. i made that pair of glasses according to my old hairstyle. and now, it seems the look is destroyed. and for some reason, the pair of glasses sharpened my eye features to the extent i look like someone whom, i am trying to forget.
but nevermind, i shall barricade myself in my house from now on.
mapling into the night was fun, ning and qian came, with ning travelling all the way to help me with 2 quests, and us chatting with qian while hitting poor cows. frankly, it reminded me of the whole guild thing and i really hate it once again.
ning is my friend, ning is qian's friend. in fact, our good friend. and people of the guild had helped her when she was in trouble. it is only natural that she be coming back.
but when i thought of all the 'procedures' that we have to go through, and ironically, with qian as a jr master, i felt a greater compel to just press that 'leave' button.
i mean, i can't help but feel restrained. yes, already this heavy weight of being one of the lowest level member is crushing down on me, and this another restrain holding me far far apart from the other members because they already bonded god knows how many eons ago. and now, we can't do a single thing and make decisions for ourselves and our friends.
it's not i'm lazy to post just that little line in the bbs, it's because of various unseen and unspoken rules and restriction, be it formal or informal, visible or invisible, real or not real that is keeping me from doing so.
but sensing something coming from ning, i realise perhaps she doesn't want to come back, despite missing the members.
on another note
frankly, i hate people telling me what to do, what i ought to do, especially if they underestimate me in anyway when i know i can. i know my freaking limits, and i know what to do with my freaking life. and despite not knowing what lies ahead, at least, i went to look for a fall back. i think about things that might or might not happen and what lies ahead of those decisions, i went around to get help from people who know what to do, and not waste my time when it comes to important issues.
i did what i had to, fought for it, worked for it, instead of crying over spilt milk or waiting for it to drop from the freaking sky.
i have my rights, and i have no obligations when i say i don't. because i am the one who has control over my own life, not you, not anyone. this is a free country, i can do what i want, as long as it doesn't break the law and send me into jail.
so for the love of peace, get the freak off my back.
just because it happened to you or some tom dick and harry doesn't mean it's going to happen to me. i'm smarter than that, and if you think i'm going to be bounded by it, it just mean you don't understand me at all.
just because you think it's going to be like this doesn't mean it really is going to be. because you don't have my brains, and forgive my candor, you don't think like i do.
just because you know the statistics, doens't mean i don't. i work in the direction where i want to fall in the lesser percentage of anything be it good or bad. and i've succeeded in some areas, so give me credit for that.
just because you had it once and don't want it anymore doesn't mean i don't want it also. the world revolves around the world, and not you. and i am certainly not going to walk your path and follow your way.
i have my own clock, my own pace, my own obligations, my own rights.
and let me say this. i only have this short holiday after that freaking hectic semester and in a matter of days the 3rd gate of hell is going to open.
by all means try to stop me from doing what i want, and not doing some things that i dont want. go ahead and try, and we'll see who has the last stand.
