Thursday, May 29, 2008
i find myself back, once again, to this little state of mind that many would think i'm stupid and pathetic to be in. but i can't help but think that, without it, i'll be even more lonely, and may do things that in the end i'll regret doing.
they say that it is so, that we shun away after a while. as that thought crossed my mind many times for near the quarter of the year already, i come to think of it not out of jealousy or envy, but rather an act of self-preservation. we have our own arrogance, and unlike some counterparts, i prefer to accept what i have, and live on being proud of who i am.
but after days of being in that state of mind, a moment of difference was enough to let me see the degree of denial i've been living with. and frankly, no matter how much i tweak it around, or say that i'm not, i, in fact, am.
instead of typing what i've been typing for near of a decade, that i want to be Raiin and so on and so forth, i should just accept the fact and face it with dignity and pride. and stop being childish and arrogant to say 'if i can't have it then i don't want it at all'.
i prefer not to think that i live in a fairytale, neither do i want to think that the world is a cruel place. just want to be neutral, and take things as they come.
but at least, let me be cool enough to not be bothered by psychological noise. that i can still wave with a smile at the end of the day, and maintaining a positive outlook on the things that i have, and not be negative about the things that i don't have, even if i'm the only one that was left behind on the island.
