Monday, April 28, 2008
of trust...
thanks to my mummie, i nearly screamed when i went into the bathroom moments ago... she lit a candle there for the stupid aroma thingy and ended up, i thought it was... nevermind.
frankly.. i'm not used to people being nice to me. i'm pessimistic so i naturally didn't think people would be nice to me, but mummie taught me to be nice to others, so unless necessary, i usually won't shout at people.
i mean, after all we live in a world of deception, and
there, is where the greatest deceptors thrive. so going in with a mentality that 'everyone is out to scam you', it is not hard to think otherwise, unless that person is your friend, whom you know in real life.
but it makes me think that, we have been telling ourselves that people are bad, people are out to scam you, while we don't do it, that makes us good guys, and others bad guys.
but the whole world, there isn't just us, as in ourselves are the good guys, there are others. and we are discrediting them for being good guys just because we didn't see them. and the same can be said for them.
that's why i prefer to help others, and feel guilty after being helped.
contradicting myself, when i don't get help, i rant about it, thinking that people
should help me when they have the power. contradicting, stubborn, wishful, wilful. i know.
i find it weird... sometimes, people come to me for help. others, i can help, but nobody comes to me. i can never figure out why. perhaps, because people don't know me so they come, while those who know me, won't come because they think i can't help. i don't know.
and when people come to me, i can stare at the request for a long time, and i can never figure out, why people, different people, come to me with the same problem... coincidence? i don't think so anymore.
but as i look at the problem... coupled with the outcome of reading COM225 book studiously that night, i realise, people didn't come to me for help.
they came to me for reassurance, for support. that someone agrees with their decision and supports them.
and that's where i realise, that's the job of an effective communicator.
there is a difference between counselor and communicator. counselor needs good communication skills, but communicator doesn't necessarily need to be able to counsel people.
and there is where i realise again, that all these while.. i've been doing the wrong thing. i've been doing what a counselor is doing, and not what a communicator
should be doing.
communicator, is harder than being a counselor, that's what i think. counselor presents what is right, while communicator would have to look at the situation and present what is right
by the time of the situation, and present what is right for the situation
at the appropriate time with the appropriate way.
and it is not an easy job as i see it. because it requires you to think. and think fast. that's probably why they have an entire degree dedicated to communication... haha, perhaps.
but to me, i want to be a counselor
and a communicator. because i really want to help, and help in a constructive way. nevermind about people not helping me, but at least, my conscience will be clear. that i helped others when i could. it's not going to be easy, but we all are learning an making mistakes. but for my part, at least, there are some mistakes that i shouldn't be making anymore. like my previous entry has said, and what i've learnt from COM225 book.
i saw something just now, when i saw how close some people were in Gu@rd!@nz, in the absence of someone's presence. and i realise how insignificant i was, not just by level, but also the little things that binded them together, which i lacked. it's not that i didn't try my best, everytime i talk or make a comment, silence follow. and then i asked myself, why.
perhaps, i shouldn't be trying to seek approval from everyone. fallacies of approval is a debliltative emotion. i should be seeking approval from the people whom i have as friends and family and that they need my help. what i have, i should be treasuring them, and not out to seek approval from people who i know never in a million years would pay a shred of attention to me.
Qian asked me this question just moments ago... 'If u had one choice, would u love someone who might not reciprocate, or would u rather be loved?'
my answer to that question is that i want both. someone i love and who loves me back. and if i really can't have it, i'll take the latter.
then she gave me a reply that brought out the Raiin in me.
and after that, my answer was back to my old self. 'if i can't have it, then i don't want it at all'.
it's nice to be loved, and there might be a chance you'll love that person back. after all, 'we form relationship with people whom we are familiar with' and 'we tend to view those who are of close proximity to us as the more physically attractive ones'. As infered from COM225 book.
but then, i rememberd someone close to me, being in that category. and i remember a silent oath i swore when i knew about it.
and i remembered the time i liked someone whom i know won't reciprocate. and i remembered how painful and detrimental the consequences were.
and so, i was reminded about my answer. 'if i can't have it, then i don't want it at all'.
afterall, why torture yourself, since both sides are painful, might as well take the middle path, where it is neither painful nor satisfying. at least, the damage is smaller...
and as i typed on, i looked up at my wall at Grimmjow's pictures. and i asked myself, aren't i loving someone whom i know won't reciprocate because he simply does not exisit?
my answer came swiftly as i remembered Zeph's words. 'that's why we fantasize'.
because simply fantasizing, i live in a world where i can get what i want. 'someone to love, and who loves me back'.
yes i know, it's super shameless to think that Grimmjow would love me.
but compare to the real world, where true love is one of a million chance, wouldn't fantasy be that middle road that is neither painful nor satisfying? and that the middle road can be taliored to be which every way you want it to be?
to be honest, my version of Grimmjow has none of his ruthlessness, none of his temper, and none of his impatience. and to be super honest, i merely borrowed his looks and name to fit in someone whom i imagined to be Mr. Right. and isn't this the best evidence of taking the middle road with fantasizing?
unlike some of my friends who are blessed with good nature and personality and character and looks, i have yet to bring any of my thoughts and views on the subject on love into real life. but as i remembered Qian's words, 'that's why i took the plunge when it came to him', i realise how right all the veterans out there were saying. 'grab the opportunity, if not, once it's gone, it's gone forever'.
and i realise how much things i've missed in my life, not in terms of love, but small little things that i could have enjoyed, but gave it up for a shorter term pleasure.
like hours ago, when i suddenly had the motivation to go out cycling.
i saw a huge field with tons of families flying kites. i counted, there were 15 kites in the air, and 7 on the ground waiting to take off. all the kids and dogs and mothers and fathers were laughing and jumping.
in the next field i saw many models of helicopters and planes controlled by youngsters and old guys alike, with kids chasing them around the field.
i stood there, in the middle of the road watching the two fields together, and asked myself, why wasn't i out on sundays cycling and watching these people have fun instead if cooping up at home for nothing?
as i cycled on, i saw another huge gigantic field that was bordered by trees, it was a field that i loved most out of the entire cycling route, because it gave me a sense of nature ad that there were no buildings, no tower cranes, no traffic lights, no lamp posts to spoil the whole scene. and in the middle, there was a motorcycle, and not too far away was a couple sitting on the grass in each other's arms.
my reaction was, 'awwww, how sweet'.
then i cycled on, and i saw a building out of no where. and it was a new buddhist centre, with the laughing buddha's statue right at the door. and i remembered countless times i walk past a similar statue and my mum insisted i bow and touch the statue's laughing mouth because it'll make me smile more often.
my question to myself was 'when was the last time i went out with my mother?'
afterwards i went past another building out of no where. it was a new community centre, Anchorvale Community Centre, with people playing badminton in the courts and people gathering to talk.
i was thinking, 'when was the last time i held a badminton racket?' and 'how many years ago was that when i still ran around Punggol Community Centre with a bunch of kids on the block? where are they now? are they doing good? whatever happened to that particular friend whom until now i still couldn't bring myself to ask how is he doing each time i see him?'
then i cycled on, and reached the cannal where around this time last year, i saw the phenomenal sight of thousands of jellyfishes. and i stopped there, looking down into the water, and there i saw, bobbing in the murky water was a yellow jellyfish with 4 missing tentacles, being left behind by the school.
then i asked myself 'why didn't i remember to come out to cycle so i can see the jellyfishes again?'
as i stared at the jellyfish bobbing in and out of sight, someone familiar cycled past me. i turn to look and saw him wearing a shirt with 'SRJC' printed on it's back. and coincidentally i was wearing my Draco shirt. and after a while i remembered, that's Isabella's friend.
then i asked myself 'how many people i missed knowing because i simply didn't make the first move of approaching them?' 'how many more people i will miss because i didn't make the move of recontacting them?'
and as i cycled home, at 7.15, when i was supposed to reach home by 7, i saw a beautiful sunset just beyond seng kang and hougang.
and i said to myself, 'if i hadn't stopped to rest while looking at the jellyfish, i would have missed this sunset for the hundredth time i cycle pass this route.'
throughout the whole cycling journey, i was singing out loud. literately. i was sure those joggers found me crazy. but who cares? i sang!
and as i came home, my butt hurt like there's no tomorrow thanks to my mum who adjusted my seat, my legs aching from all the uphill and against the wind routes, and my legs wobbling and numb as i nearly stumbled down the stairs and fell in the shower, i felt great. not because i got off my lazy butt to go exercise, but because i saw many things. and despite loosing momentum for god knows how many times today, i felt relieved, because those moments made me stop to think, and enjoy the little things that i might have missed if i just whizzed pass like always...
