Saturday, April 19, 2008
SOMEONE said something, not to me, but about something yesterday, or rather this morning, whichever doesn't matter, which shocked me to no end, that set my thoughts snowballing and crashing down at the foot of the hill with one conclusion.
i am a difficult person.
aka, i'm difficult to convince, i have a hard time trusting people after stereotyping, and i'm shocked to realise about reality.
loser i know, but, i realise that's what have become of me, ever since the start of Raiin, the icy fortress, and after Chinese New Year.
something is right there in front of me, and i refuse to believe it. something isn't there, and i choose to follow my own thoughts. end up, the truth is there, and i still refuse to take it, until perhaps there's no way i can argue, that i finally give up, reluctantly.
and in the process, i realise i've become a drama mama... having the tendency to blow up every detail and with my vivid imagination, it'll snowball into something crazy, and i myself get hyped/emo about these things that never happened.
i guess that's what became of me, ever since i knew what 'gore' is...
and being such a drama mama, as a result, Byakuya and Renji became my brothers, Grimmjow became my darling, IceBerg and Glacier are subjected to my suffocating hugs, and i myself find myself living in a world where i cannot differentiate between good and bad.
in the begining, it was easy. everyone online whom you don't know, don't trust them. "oh my god! Grimmjow so shuai!", yes yes. "Byakuya and Renji so sweet!!", i know i know. that's all.
but now... "har? where got so nice de?" really? "Grimmjow is MINE!" oh is that so? "Gaah, they are so sweet, they saved her!!" so what?
and i realise, what have i done to myself...
things i can ignore, i chose to poke my nose in
things i can just scrape through, i chose to make a big fuss about it
things i said i won't do, i'll end up forgetting my own pledge and gave in
things that needed my immediate attention above all others, i chose to leave it aside
and all these pales to the fact that i have made a huge mess out of my own life.
exams are only one day away...
frankly, it's easy to say 'if i have to fantasise for the rest of my life, so be it', 'i want to be like Raiin', and all that i've said in my blog. but in actual fact, trying to be and living up to it is really difficult.
complaining can only take me so far, because i know, i can ramble for all i want, but nobody's going to care. that i have to set things right myself, something which i've already learnt when my perceived secondary school days decided to forsake me.