Thursday, February 14, 2008
apparently i was still a little traumatized by what happened during the time which i was busy cursing
TKA for dirtying my psp...
i wondered about a lot of things.
expected? or was i delusioning? during JC days i told myself whenever my thoughts wander, i would not be the first. because the circumstances just says so.
ignore the saying 'those who say they don't want is usually the first one to get it'because i know i'm kidding myself when i say 'i won't. so theoratically it's the other way round. so yes, i'll be the last.
but then when i see that yes i'm not the first, and that saying happened to be somewhat right for some reason, i was bewildered. honestly, i didn't know what to make out of it. the math didnt' work, partially because i didn't know most of the linking facts.
then again,
like remy said, 'the predictable thing about life is it's unpredictability'. and that there are too many things in life that just cannot be explained.
for example how stupid i was during my JC days. uptill now i still can't find an explanation to that. although i can stop trying since i'm trying to get over it. or perhaps it's now safe to say i'm already over it.
but sometimes, i don't know, environment and other factors do play an important part in whatever we do. and sometimes i wish that the word 'control' is easily done than said. i myself tried, and i say that 'it is up to oneself, because it's all a matter of will power'. but then again, i can't be saying this because it took me 1 year and a huge failure to learn that. was it too late? my answer is yes. and no. yes because i have already made a mistake. no because i would be better prepared for the future. and sometimes i think it's a matter of what we want. my mum always tells me that as long as it doesn't hurt others, you can do whatever you want. in the past i was always protecting myself, afraid that i'll get hurt so i avoided many things, and set up security measures.
you know how things is that when you are there yourself, you can't see it? and when you are a bystander you can see the truth?well, a little twist was there yesterday or the day before, just when i was momentarily stunned by something little. and as you may recall with my highly wandering imagination, i said something during my dream sequence something that i would never have said...
the me in the dream sequence said 'there are things that we can't learn off books, it is through experience that we know what it is like. and just because we are afraid of being hurt that we don't take the first step, we will never accomplish anything in life'...i remember my dad saying that to me last time, and i rebutted with "yeah, ignoring that 5% that the opposite might happen and destroy everything, that's dumb!" but when i saw it from another point of view, it's true... what if that 5% was 0%? what if it won't happen? and that we missed an opportunity? and even if there was that 5%, we can still think of ways to advert that 5% right? or solutions to solve that problem?moments ago, i told
Zeph 'life sux, end of story', and she replied,
'sux big time, that's why we fantasize'.i think that's really true.
it is so much easier to 'love' someone who isn't real than to 'fall in Unrequited love' with someone real. and imagination is such a wonderful tool that we are born with. it can really take you to great heights, or plunge you down real low.
whenever i get gloomy with anything in life, sometimes with 'that' issue, my mind automatically wanders. i know it's silly, to be daydreaming about things that are never going to be real, but it was an avenue for me to take a break from the horrible aspects of life. i'm sure people will laugh at me, but that's my only place to hide.since i can't have it in real life, instead of brooding and being depressed and envying others and avoiding places, why not do something about it? and perhaps that's probably the reason why when i was merely choosing between two characters whom i disliked in the first place, and it sort of became an obsession when
Grimmjow did something honorable...
and somehow i know i can control it better, because i know it's forever unobtainable, and i know i have grown up a little. and that it would probably be best this way since i know i'm just as immature as any 3 year old kid.
somehow, i felt very contradictory. i keep saying i want to be like Raiin, i want to be like Raiin. but when i am closer to being Raiin, i felt weird. just what is it that i want?
do i want to have a heart sealed in an icy prison in an icy fortress in some god forsaken icy piece of land? or do i want to remain as i am now never getting what i want because i'm too weak to fight for anything and i simply isn't someone at all?of the two choices, i think i'll take the first one. because, if there's anything i learnt from watching all the anime and manga instead of studying, that is i don't want to end up or be a weak-willed person. i don't mind being a side character who sacrifices herself for the plot willingly and dies the most horrible death. but i definately don't want to be the one crying in times of need when i have the power to do something no matter how insignificant it seems and wait till it's out of control that i finally step up.i know i have a perfectionist personality.
"if i can't have it, then i don't want it at all."we all have pride, and i'm an arrogant person. so at least, let there be some self-preservation...
and if i have to fantasize for the rest of my life, then so be it. 