Sunday, October 14, 2007
14 oct has arrived for the 19th time ever since that day my mum went through agony and pain to bring me into this world. according to mum, she said that every 19 years, the birth date on chinese calender coincides with the one on the normal calender.not that it mattered to me in the past, i don't even know which date is my chinese calender birth date. but somehow, when i heard about the 19 years thing, i find that i do actually care... particularly this year... particularly when you want something....i find myself 'courting death' again, throwing myself in the fire, suicide murder, whatever you want to call it. i'm sure my pals would be thinking i'm real stupid enough to do that. but well, during certain times, our instinct and intellect fight each other and leave you to do 'stupid' things. and it happened several minutes ago, which, i must say i'm disappointed and not disappointed at the same time. real stupid i know...sometimes i wonder how the human brain works. and how people see things. for me, if i were in that situation but different side, i would be thinking about the 'why's. but somehow it doesn't seem that way, and i doubt it's going to head in that direction anyway. can't say that i'm disappointed, because i don't know how to deal with it if it were in heading the other direction. i find that i like to run away. but sometimes, we know that running away is the right thing to do.'you can run fast, but problem run faster'. quoted from Norbit. i'm sure that's true, we all know that. and i have first hand experience. (laughs) how silly... but
i've decided not to run away this time. i decided to confront it, and by doing so, taking the risk of 20% vs 80% of 'that' happening. i know it's an excuse, but it is logical to explain it this way. and from the situation, and like always, the 20% is winning. hopefully wins at the end. but then, it'll be just like last year's journal entry written down on paper. regrets and disappointments.
i wonder again, is it human nature that we always want people to help us in difficult times? i mean, yeah i was like that before (ouchy quote), always waiting for someone to save me. but after a while, i realise no one came to my rescue. i don't know why is that so, maybe the people around me hated me or something, i just find that, whenever i'm in trouble or something, people know, be it they know it themselves or i tell them, but the thing is, they know and that's it. there's no suggestions to help me, unlike when others are in a little pickle i offer suggestions and help. there's no offer to help, which is obvious. there's no concern for that either, no 'hey the last time you said blah blah blah, how was it?'it was then i realise that i've got to stand on my own feet, do what's right and save myself. that's when i stopped getting into trouble that often. sure there were misses, but the same thing always surfaces, no help, no concern, no care. i'm rather used to that, seriously. perhaps that's why whenever i have to deal with something, my mind starts to think of possible solutions, not one, but a few, and question them until the plan is foolproof. i always tell myself to be selfish than what i am now. i see a problem, you don't care, problem gets out of hand, i'm safe, you're not, i sit and drink tea and watch you die.but i can't seem to be able to do that. always at the last moment, i'll stamp on my own feet and help the person out. then the story branches out to different versions, where there are people who takes, alters and get into more trouble or, take and throw, or blah blah blah yada yada yada.so why is it that people still take help for granted? i don't know, and don't think i'll find out soon anyway.was watching spider man 3 just now and i come to the same conclusion i did in march's entry. i don't know why is it aways so that friends die in the process of helping someone else. and i wonder, why do the good guys always die? do they deserve to die? i don't think so. in fact i hate it when someone, other than the bad guy, dies.not such a good way to start 14
oct, but then, at least i know
Zephyris might
dxr someone for me, and
Qianz is spamming my
Cbox with concert details
whahahahaha!!!!
looking back at my life, i find that i did a lot of things. played piano, clarinet, flute, guitar. watched so many manga and anime, although the amount is incomparable to Zeph and Qianz now. met many people, of which there are those whom i hate and love. stepping across and back that red line, which now i've no idea which side i am standing now. have some great times and bad ones.but i have one regret. that is i always lack the courage to do what i want to, be it good or bad...'... i've never shot a wild beast, i'm not even brave enough to tell that beautiful woman i loved her. i'm made of wax, Larry. what are you made of?' taken from Night at the Museum, 26th president of the united states, Theodore Roosevelt.good question. what am i made of? 