Tuesday, September 11, 2007


today is by far the WORST day i've had in uni life so far.. yes. WORST where i felt 'kimochi waruii', 'dase', 'saite' and feel like 'korosu'.

in case you're wondering what it meant, to summarise, everything up there is a negative word, not swear words, but just for negative feelings. and 'korosu' simply means to kill.

first i woke up to a silent alarm clock. contradicting? doesn't matter.

i had a breakfast that went down the wrong way.

then i played 'fireman' the night before.

when i was on my way to the mrt station the wind tries to blow me off. but thanks to my severe overweight body i'm not. just that i got sand in my eyes. bloody construction site. screw you people.

i went to school feeling rotten.

the worse part of these is that i actually felt nauseous in the middle of lessons, comns lesson to be exact. and seriously, it's not because of breakfast, it's not because of the sand that was in my eyes, not the wind, not the teacher, not the lesson.... blah blah blah.

and for the first time, i actually didn't pay attention during history class and did paper 'blogging'...

a blog is somewhere where i say things i want, right? yes. so i'm just going to vent it all out here.

the thing about being a volunteer fireman is that you receive no prior training. and to add to that, you handle the things similar to a real fireman. but the payoff is not as nice as the actual fireman would get.

so the picture is you're lousy, you handle jobs out of your league, and you don't get paid.

therefore, i find myself, in the midst of nauseousness, back at where i was standing, just like in the past where 'efforts don't pay off', not just that, 'efforts made backfired'. and i arrived, just like MILLIONS of times before, at the same conclusion.

'why can't i be the bad guy just for once'?

already i'm not the prettiest girl in the crowd (not that it mattered to me), not the smartest girl in class (that somehow irks me because the amount of effort i put in surpasses others sometimes) and i'm not the nicest girl on earth (pretty much the truth, but no one seems to believe me, strange) in fact i'm the foulest creature known to mankind, the worst temper the world has ever seen, unreasonable-ness knows no boundaries yada yada yada.

so all evidence points that i'm already a bad guy. so why don't just let me be 'myself' for once?! why is it that every time, something will come out to thwart everything. you know i can be sitting down, drinking coffee.. scratch that. i don't drink coffee. i can be sitting down feasting on a cake or pudding, and just get on with my life. i can be sleeping my way through and not wake up a sleepy head. i can do so many things, but why is it that i'll be slapping myself on the face and doing things that 'by my right' is not what i'm supposed to do because i'm the bad guy?!

well the truth is, if it were me back in the days when i was in secondary school, i would have made a big gigantic fuss about the little accident that happened there, happened twice there. big fuss, and seriously you don't want to see the results, not even the process of it. like i said, i'm unreasonable. sue me.

then the next thing is that whatever is said, is a TOTAL CONTRADICT of what is done. ok maybe not that, perhaps 'equality' is the better word. just because i'm a gamekeeper/magic store owner/healing potions merchant/hermit/yada yada yada, or just any !#$%*&^ side character, doesn't mean i should be treated like a janitor. just because i forced to do 'clean ups' doesn't mean i AM a janitor. and frankly i'm quite tired of dealing with such contradictions, because i have confidence in my abilities and i don't think i should be on the level of a 'janitor'. and like i said, if i were to be back in my secondary school days, there would have been a bloodshed, figuratively, and all hopes will be lost (not on my side), and that whatever plans there was will be thwarted. and i'll be singing 'la la la lollipop', while being hated like there's no tomorrow. see if i care.

i can be real nasty if i want to. Zephyris, Qianz, Yuning, Kim Ann, Esther, Jean, Dolly, Jac, Yi Chuang and Wai Harng can be my witnesses. by the way, all the best to you guys, where ever you are and whatever you're doing. (not that you'll be reading this anyway.. har har har)

today's September 11, one minute of silence for the innocent who were victims of ultimate idiosyncrasy. may you find the way, to your respective Gods or reincarnated for a new life and may your loved ones find salvation.

Also yesterday was the last day of the lunar 7th month. a passage of Sutra for those suffering in hell and wishes to be given a second chance. may the sutra aid you to be cleared of all sins and charges and find salvation in Buddha, or reincarnated for a new life. Amitabha

.~*^Twilight Ring^*~.: