Sunday, April 8, 2007
as i was watching
'Night at the Museum' for the gazillion time (as i have always with my new shows once they start mass producing the VCDs) one phrase registered itself in my mind.
'some people are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them.' said the 26 president of the united states who's name i remembered to be 'teddy' something... nevermind about the name, but the phrase sort of awoke something within me.
i'm not born great. that's downright true. i ain't some daughter of a wealthy businessman or what, i ain't the daughter of a great entrepreneur.
i'm just ordinary.
then do i have greatness thrust upon me? i ask myself.
Raiin. yup, she has greatness thrust upon her, and at a very young age at that. well in another's eyes she may be a down right 'mary sue', but to me, she's someone i wished i was and want to be. she ain't really born great, since she's a female in a more male-orientated family. she ain't that good, because without whatever's thrust upon her she can't really compare to others. but it was what that's thrust upon her propelled her to become someone great, someone who faces her own fears fearlessly, someone who can look danger in the eye and laugh (adapted from Garfield), someone who's vision is further than any others... she ain't perfect, because just like others she has flaws and weakness, like how she can just lose all her abilities when people bring her back to her darkest memories or how she has her heart confined in ice and cannot feel love. but it's her courage and determination, perserverence and responsibility that made her stand together with the other Greats. well, that's her in the ninja world.
i can write her to be like that, but i can't seem to be like her, that's something i ought to be ashamed of.the little
charmander i became when playing Mystery Dungeon. i know i am childish. but i can't help but notice it is just like the case with
Raiin. he was nobody. some nameless human who was transformed into a
charmander. and the mission of saving the world was thrust upon him without him knowing it. and at that, he lived as a normal and at times, powerless to some situations, as a
fugitive (i'll never forget that one) with loads of rescue team hot on his heels, became a
scapegoat (neither am i going to forget this) for something he has not done... but in the end he had to continue. and it was what that was thrust upon him made him, and his pal stronger and at last able to overcome the obstacles in their way and finally complete the mission. sure it was a tough journey with loads of failure and damage, but they still made it.
ok fine, they didn't really make it on their own because being a game if the first strike then 'game over' nobody would buy and play the game and Nintendo probably had to go bankrupt.and the fact that i couldn't even bring myself to do the things that i should be doing, like what charmander did, makes me feel even more ashamed. if everyone has a place in the universe, where's mine?if everyone has a part to play, what's mine?if everyone has a moment, when's mine?it's often amazing but unsurprising why the people around me are always
starters of new things and i'm always just a
follower... sure, i have my own thoughts and voice, but the words and ways just ain't getting accepted.
take my family for example. when moving house, i told them to clear the things that we don't want, and just take what we need and want over to the new place. no point carrying all that stuff over to the new place then sort out, it's just a complete waste of energy and time. and what happens in the end? i got reprimanded for not doing my part to help packing.
sure, blame it on the little guy, how original. (adapted from Monsters. Inc). i'm not the one barking out orders to my maid to tell her to pack everything. the truth is i'm not the boss around here, and my words to my maid is nothing more than the radio playing sound when she's working. in one moment, gone in the other. so what do we have, loads of rubbish that's accumulated over the years that's brought over to the new place. and guess what, we brought some friends over, the small black oval-shaped pests that can't seem to just give up and die when we flush them down the toilet or spray poison on them.
so end up, while i was banging away merrily on Mr. Keys i have people banging their way about cockroaches and their droppings, excess containers and plastic bags, this and that. and while they are at it, i'm being called on intervals during my
'creating of musical fusion' (adapted from School of Rock) to take a little trip to the rubbish chute outside of my house. and guess what? i threw away 7 bags of i-don't-know-what-and-don't-wish-to-know.
you know if at first you guys just listen to me instead of telling the maid to pack everything, yelling at me, and take your time to move the things over to the new place (just heck care about the neighbours), all of these won't be happening. you'll get a lot of space to put your stuff, pest-free environment and no extra work of buying pest poison (i believe that's what it's called).
well there are a lot of situations like this one, not just at home but outside, at school, basically just everywhere. somehow i wonder if i have the knack for making background music or sound effects because my words don't seem to 'work' or 'take effect' or 'register'...
so...
it's not that i don't take my place, just that it ain't significant in others' eyes.it's not that i don't play my part, just that whatever's played is not appreciated. it's not that i don't have a moment, just that it's been taken by someone else.i must say i worked. i have worked. i put things before myself unconsciously. but the fact that
details to a masterpiece,
screws and nuts in a machine,
sugar and vinegar in a dish are not recognized, and are often the ones getting blamed when problem arises.
masterpiece not accepted either too detailed or not enough details.
machine falter because a screw or nut was loosen.
dish not tasty and leads to health problems.
whenever that happens, i always told myself. 'fine, then let the masterpiece be imcomplete, the machine not working properly, the dish tasted horrible then,'
but always and always, i couldn't bring myself to once, not even once, sit down and watch the show.contradicting? yes. dilemma? yes. complete idiot? yes.made a fool of myself? yes. hurt? yes. very badly? yes. anyone knows? no. anyone cares? no. anyone helps? no.see, sometimes i ask myself why sacrifice myself for others. ok you may think whatever i've sacrificed is nothing, but to me, it means a lot.
first, i'm not the savior of the day. two, i'm not as powerful as others. and
three, i'm not as talented as others. but everytime, just before the moment i say 'no', guilt and conscience would team up and look me up. and at the end, i'm the one suffering. and the best part is i get nothing out of it, except damage to pride and some material and intangible stuff being gone forever. fine. one of these days i'm just going to end up pride-less and, uh, lose everything in that sense...
then whenever i find myself in need, i find myself in the middle of the ocean on a small pathetic piece of
god-forsaken-spit-of-land (adapted from Priates 1) so what's the plan? i'm supposed to make a raft out of nothing and row out to sea? or am i supposed to make a fire to signal to get help? well if you're telling me to do the latter, i can assure you no one would come,
because the entire clan of pirates are teamed up and all of port royal and Davy Jones are spending their time fighting against the pirates. so there ain't any ship that's going to see the smoke and come rescue.ok, that was a lame joke so nevermind.
i should just go back to bed. wake up tomorrow and watch night at the museum or flushed away or pirates. then read fire me up. then maybe go type Mission Bound second chapter.
i prefer being in the virtual world. it's the real world that scares me.kinda long entry... how did i even type this... mystery of mysteries...
