Captain Velociraptor

know that they come from a different league

2011-08-28T03:08:00.003+08:00

know this: they come from a different league. don't expect others to understand what you've been through, how you came to this point, and why you think this way, because they aren't interested.

to them, you are just another escapee from IMH, no more different than those who are exiled to the underside of society.

shut up, for once in your life.

lost it again

2011-08-23T21:53:00.002+08:00

gosh, i think i lost it again. it's that scenario with byakuya/renji/grimmjow/itachi AGAIN!

found out he plays piano too... just that he quitted some time ago.

god i need to clear my mind soon.

Yet another 'after so long'

2011-08-22T18:36:00.001+08:00

This time it was one year long later. New job, new people. Can't say im entirely happy with the set up, but its still better than none at all. After all these years, i still came back to blog, cept this time is through my phone. Livin the japanese lifestyle now huh, not bad.

A little note to self. Saw a few 'mirrors' in my new environment, some things to take note of and change:

1. Dont talk about own opinion as far as conversations go. Nobody is interested

2. Dont try to tell people your past experience. Arrogance is not the way for people to take note of you

after so long

2010-08-25T15:21:00.002+08:00

in an attempt to get away from brooding about how life turned for the direction that i never wanted, i remembered i do have a sancturary here i can escape to for a while. memories from the past, silly nicknames and avant personalities starts coming back and at this juncture i know somehow i have to let them go in a few days' time.

sometimes life isn't nice to people. i just never thought it'll put me in the 'hate list' and alloted me all the nasty things there is to turn someone's life inside out. for the past few weeks i've been wondering was all these remanents that i brought upon myselfs, years ago after deciding where i want to see my life in future, the person i wanted to be?

i guess there's a price to pay for everything you want, for me, it's somehow too huge to grasp. then again, it's probably my fault.

it is time to come back to earth, but i do hope i can still keep a little bit of heaven.

apparently

2009-10-24T23:51:00.002+08:00

apparently words were just words. they have no meaning whatsoever, empty words/promises, well at least to some people. they are in no way conscious of what they say today, and can forget or turn their backs on them the next.

for others, they are concrete promises, resolute meanings, and would never dream of going against them or take them back.

my philosophy in life is simple. do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

if you don't step on my toes, rest assure i take extra precaution.

if you do, don't expect me to treat you the way you expect me to do so, because simply, i take it that's how you want me to treat you.

lost symbol

2009-10-24T16:29:00.001+08:00

me gosh. i woke up at 4pm today.

while last night i mean this morning was spent reading the lost symbol. whahahahaha

and guess what's the big secret this time? law of attraction.

gotchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~

yes i was nearly fooled. thanks alot. whahahaha!!!!!

hetalia

2009-10-18T15:43:00.001+08:00

omg hetalia rocks!!!!!!! OMG I've never seen or heard a more RETARDED anime and ending song man. and i've been laughing for 3 days already.

esp the

"Vodkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~"

whahahahahahahaha!!!!

and what's with Russia's ending theme, why the hell is there Tetris theme!!!!!

and i just love Italy's version. it's SOOOOOO DAMNNNN FREAKKINGGGG RETARDEDDDDD!!!!!!!!

whahahahahaha!!!!!

finally some form of laughter.

amazingly

2009-10-13T20:48:00.003+08:00

it's amazing how some people vent their unhappiness, by turning their backs LITERATELY on people when others didn't.

that's where the line 'can't be bothered' comes into play to make life easier.

it's also amazing how leopards don't change their spots even when confronted with a tank of bleach, and how they amazingly think their spots are a blend into the plains.

antelopes and other peace-loving creatures have eyes you know.

that's the second time the line 'can't be bothered' comes into play again.

ah yes in the end

2009-10-12T02:03:00.002+08:00

ah yes in the end i was right.

that was the kind of 'bull's eye' that i hated to hit.

but it did. so yes, disappointed that i got it right and disappointed what i got it right for.

well done.

i forgot

2009-10-11T16:48:00.003+08:00

shit. i forgot it was naruto's bdae ytd. i have a few people to bla- i mean thank for it.

been going to bed with tears almost everyday, i don't really understand why. maybe because i can't help but think about certain things and the feeling that i've got the answer right on was not at all comforting. but well, i guess i can't expect much. after all, who am i to say i'm important?

maybe my expectations were too high. maybe i judge a book even after reading the abstract.

i love giving up. because it gave me a sense of relief. it might make me feel better, even if it meant betraying the principles i hold dearly in life.

ah yes the smiles

2009-10-04T16:10:00.002+08:00

once again, nothing made me smile more than the unexplainable outburst of dear Supervisor, and the screaming of being thrown unexpectedly by our cursed youngster. that's why i love long and completed series. because there's plenty of fun moments, and it doesn't make you curse at the agony of waiting for the next episode.

i still don't understand why i don't go to it the moment i feel down.

ah, finally for some reason, i realise why i was crying the other day. i know i'm slow, but everyone knows that. it just shows that i have an 'auto-pilot' mode in my head, which kept me functional while emo-ing about things. haha. i love myself really. but i'm not narcissistic. no worries, i'll still love my 4 husbands.

oh yea emo-ing. shall not say much, just that i feel bad that people are paying attention to the very one thing i hope to disappear for and trying not to be a prick at it. i guess i've seen the good and the bad of it, and the reason why i'm giving it no attention because i feared it'll turn out to be the 'bad' if i were to carry it out. but well, reason why that might be so, would only be understood by those who have already experienced that. and also, whatever i've thought of, is unfeasible as the other, in the end i just gave up and forget about it. either way, complex as it might sound, tears just find their way, irritating my already swollen eye for no reason at all. because at the end of it, i might just look back and regret.

the profile assignment that i submitted it seems to have an underlying meaning now, that underneath that individual, is my voice, venting out whatever frustrations that i have over this particular issue. like i said, i have the 'auto-pilot' mode, and it must have been the one writing this piece for me, because without noticing, i've written myself into it. and i now realise why it came to me so fluently.

as much as i don't like submitting to whatever that's given to me in this life, i'm really tired of thinking about these issues that make me feel that i'm alone in this world and every day seem like halloween in every aspect of life.

reliability comes from within. i wrote this on my status out of annoyance. but now i fully understood what it really meant.

sprained leg

2009-10-02T22:00:00.002+08:00

that pair of slippers is cursed. i swear. the first fall it gave me two scrapped knees and a bunch of trips. this time no trips but a sprained leg. and i really think today is suay one. i forgot to pay school fees and went back again, and this is what i got.

yes i'm sure a bunch of people will be happy at the news of my fall.

for the first time in my life, i cried without knowing the reason why. pretty amazing.

let me just say that

2009-09-27T02:06:00.002+08:00

let me just say that i'm perpetually terrified of stepping on people's toes. because i myself hate it when people do, and i did get pretty nasty once.

but i just don't understand why people like to judge me before and after they hear me speak.

i know i have this face that tells people that i'm literately at odds with everything under the sun and love to wear that very much mistaken 'grim ripper' shirt. it's not, by the way, and the reason why i wore it was because it's huge and comfortable.

well, i don't really want to bother explaining myself because i'm simply too tired for it. partially because of the amount of work, and greatly because i've done so many times that i've practically given up already. only those who have really given me a chance to be part of them truly understands that i'm not like that. ok, why am i explaning again...

i thank those who has ever bitched about me, backstabbed me, and those who listen to all these and judge me before they even get to know me. i'm not quoting Shrek in this case, it's just because there is no other lines better to describe how i'm feeling right now other than this.

and i don't use 'different interests' as an excuse.

2nd time

2009-09-27T01:56:00.003+08:00

this is the 2nd time i'm telling myself. that i should cut down my log-ins to facebook. and this time i think it should be more manageable because i don't play their games anymore.

seriously, i really should log in less, and that way i'll see lesser of things that i really don't want to see, and things that tells me straight in my face that i hate to hear. really. it infuriates me very much each time it happens.

and now i know why people say social networks sux.

i shall make my own 6th division haori.

so much for exploring

2009-09-23T20:16:00.001+08:00

yes, i think mr rate buster is right. 'the pawns are the first to die in battle'

so much for exploring and now i've officially screwed my wii.

TMD!

oh i just found another haori, priced at 39.90. so damn tempted to buy.

07 ghost Bell

2009-09-21T00:28:00.006+08:00

Haha, couldn't resist abit of writing, despite UGC paper screaming at me beside my workpile. :)

Frau rushed out of the church, knowing what to expect, but never quite believe it. True enough, standing on the bridge, was Ayanami himself, and that figure that soothed his dreams every night.

"I was not expecting you." Ayanami said in his cold usual mocking voice, eyes never leaving the priestess.

"Leave with your troops, you will not taint the sacredness of the Church." the priestess said calmly. There was no anger in her voice, no agression.

"I will leave once I've gotten what I came for." Ayanami stood firmly, unweavering. He raised an arm, preparing for the next Zaiphon attack, but before he could do anything, a wave of gentle white and blue froze his hand.

"Leave with your troops, you will not taint the sacredness of the Church." the same voice said once again, except that the priestess had moved next to him, her gentle, yet strong touch stopped the powerful Zaiphon from releasing.

Frau couldn't remember what happened next, he just knew he had to do something. The sight of her soft hands on the very filth that smeared the Church with destruction and hatred was just too much. All he could remember was taking out his scythe, an incoming Zaiphon, and then a whiteout.

"I will not give up. The host shall return to me one day." Ayanami said, now standing not quite straight, a far distance from them. Frau, regaining his senses, found himself enveloped in soft white and blue velvet with a burnt mark at where his heart would have been if weren't for the fabric. He watched as the military troops retreated, and felt his feet scraped the hard ground of the bridge.

"Daijyobu, Frau?" Castor's voice was heard, together with some hurried footsteps.

"Ah." He looked up, heart tugged at the sight of her gentle face.

"Hisashiburi desu, Frau." the priestess said in her soft and calm voice.

"B-Bell..." Recovering from his shock, he managed to utter.

"High Priestess Bell." Castor and Labrador both chorused and bowed.

"Gobusa tashite yori masu, Castor, Labrador. Minna wa genkki desu ne?" Her smile was brighter than the sun above, that was what Frau saw. The timely arrival of a very unexpected, yet very sorely missed person...

~~

The midnight sky was lit with a scarce number of stars. Frau knew where she was. Standing atop of the Church's tower, Bell stood, watching the city slumbers after the attack earlier in the day.

"Konbanwa, Frau." She said, acknowledging his presence without turning her head. He took his place next to her and looked at the city.

"Naze kitan no ka?" Frau asked quietly.

"Wakaranai desu. Kanji deshitan da. Taisetsu no mono wa taihen da. Dakara watashi kitan desu." Bell turned to smile at him again.

"Mattaku... Anna ni abunai no kotto yamerun na. Shotai wa baretan da dosuru?" Frau slapped his foreheand and shook his head in resgination. He heard a soft chuckle, and turned towards her, only to find her laughing.

"Aikawarazu desu ne, Frau?" Bell laughed harder.

"Oui, nani ga okashi!" He couldn't help but raised his voice a little, but never with the intention to reprimand her. He would never...

Calming down, Bell reached out to take the hand Frau lowered from his forehead and held it tightly in her hands.

"Moshi, Frau no ho da, kyo wa dosurun desuka? Dochira mamorun da, shotai no ka? Sore yori, taisetsu no mono ka?" The elegance of her blink, the gentleness of her touch, the softness of her voice, Frau knew he could not fight that. He was faced with the same question before, and his answer was the same as hers. Identity will not come before the lives of the innocent, and people they treasure.

"Ikura nandemo, ome wa Tenkai no Ousa no musuko da. Tenkai no Hime. Mou mitte takunai, ome nido to koroshitan da..." Grief overwhelmed him as he remembered the last time, how he failed to protect the one he swore to his soul to protect. Though death did not claim her, he still failed at his task. Now, as one of the seven Ghosts, he shall not fail his appointed task, and the one he swore in his first life, even if he has to die a second time.

"Anata wa yasashii ne, Frau." Bell's voice lured him back from his daunting memories. She let go of his hand gently and faced the sleeping city again. "Shinjite, Frau. Are wa saikyo no chikara da."

"Nani ga shinjirun da?" he tilted up to gaze upon the night sky.

"Watashi shinjite, kitto, itsuka Tenkai ni kaite kurette!"

Frau stood there, bewildered. Never has that thought crossed his mind. To return to Heaven, the world once again in peace, to be reunited with the Chief of Heavens, to be with... her...

He wanted that, at the back of his head. Always, and always, he dreamt of going back. But never has that thought ever crystallize into resolution. And just that, Frau found his dream for this lifetime. A smile spreaded across his usual smirking face.

"Arigatou, Hime-sama..." He whispered. Looking up at him, Bell knew she had finished what she came for.

"Soro soro watashi wa kairun desu." she said cheerfully.

"Eh, mou?" Frau turned back to her, disappointed by such a short meeting.

"Demo ureshi desu, kyo wa." She smiled again. "Mata anata ni mitte tan da."

At that, Frau couldn't decide whether to blush, or to smile.

"Onaji tsuyoku, onaji yasashiku, onaji shiterun no Frau da... Honto ni ureshi desu."

She reached up and felt his cheek, expecting it to be warm, but there was a track of coldness. His gloved hand found its way up and covered her delicate hands, his eyes fell shut and Frau savored the only moments he had left with her.

"Nakunai de, Frau." Bell comforted. "Mata ne."

He felt her touch leaving him bit by bit, and opened his eyes to see her one last time before she melted into the night sky.

Frau stood there alone, the warmness still lingered on his tear-stained cheek. Hope filled his heart as the dark sky turn the slightest shade of maroon.

"Mata ne, ore no hime-sama..."

ok. now that i've got this scene out of my head, UGC paper...

the revisit of pain

2009-09-20T03:20:00.002+08:00

ok here i am, wasting time on meaningless visits to places on the web that i told myself not to a few months ago, tying in things into search engines that even keying it gives me the irks. and in relation to all these, i saw someone that looks so much like someone in my darkest past and i think my body stopped functioning for that moment.

apparently last week was hectic, but not to mention one of the best day this year i had, because i sold comic books, and i found that one thing that i scour the net for months.

Bleach B Station 3rd Season Vol. 2

omg i was practically screaming my head off that day. and yes, i probably had the best night of sleep that day. and completely reduced to a pile of liquid upon 3 minutes into the 2nd track.

yes looking at kor's haori reminded me of Raiin's version. and reminder of that brings me back to that scene which i thought up of months ago. and that itself reminded me of what happened in that scene. and omg i teared once again reading it.

which brings to my attention why the hell am i not writing?! omg. i left so many things on hiatus! sheesh.

but ya, i think Raiin looks damn cool with Kurotsuchi Nemu's shinigami clothes, and Byakuya-niisama's haori.

and that scene, classic!

oh?

2009-09-18T01:03:00.005+08:00

incident: Thursday, time 2.45 pm Student lounge.

just because of a 1 point difference in marks doesn't mean you can get away with your :

"*glances sideways* i mean, what is that? *sacarstic tone*"

take a bloody look around you before you even open your mouth. just because majority of us have left the place, doesn't mean EVERY single one has left. i kept quiet for the sake of the people who worked their @$$es to balance the absence of your sense of touch, which you so conveniently brushed off with your lack of sensitivity and perhaps EQ for that matter.

as a 3rd party observer, wait let me rephrased that. as an innocent 3rd party observer who got shot down by your very tactless and none-of-your-business comment, i can see why it is extremely easy for you to top people's hate list.

your pathetic assumptions and how your brain works simply amuses me. and it doesn't kill my braincells to comprehend that and further on 'bitch' about you, which you so conveniently 'assumed' (once again) that we were doing so, you 'converter'.

oh please, you don't even come close to what's called the real 'bitching'.

although i wouldn't jeopardize your entire architecture because of the very exceptionally nice people around you even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with me, you better watch your step, because you may be touched by those angels today, but don't think that they'll always be there to protect you.

i'd like to see the look on your face when you got pwned by us. technically it's not a competition, everyone just want to do well, it goes without saying to the rest of the people working alongside you. but unfortunately for you, i don't think you see it this way but a real competition from your very tactless remark to people who are of no business with you. then again i may be wrong, because the way your brain work is simply too amusing.

P.S to the people beside this exceptionally irritating prick, it's not good business against you guys, it's just a personal issue i have with this person and this person alone.

it's only 1/3

2009-09-15T18:51:00.002+08:00

tsk... it's only 1/3 of all the shelves...

well i've just finish packing the two shelves above my head now. and i'm going to say goodbye to 1/3 of the comic books on sunday. but at least it looks neater now. i can't imagine the last time... everything is so damn messy... over 2 years since i last dig out the inner-most comics.

YAY! Bleach B Station Season 3 Vol. 2 IS FINALLY MINE!!!!!!!!!!!! SUWABE-SAMA!!!! DAISUKI!!!!!!!!

on the other hand, there's something, or rather some thingS that is causing my persistent headache nowadays, both literately and figuratively. and honestly, i ain't happy about it. you'll bet i won't be.

2009-09-13T16:54:00.003+08:00

happy birthday to huiwen,
happy birthday to janice,
happy birthday to stephanie,
happy birthday to you!

haha!

to the above mentioned people, happy 21st to two of you, and happy a-year-older-to one. :)

on a darker note.

have i mentioned that i hate it when people come to me when they bloody know i've got more than enough to handle and they sit around doing nothing and hope that things will just fall from the sky?

there are already a list of people whom i hate and refuse to talk to, and the list is growing for some reason.

have i mentioned that it absolutely irks me to great extent when people spell 'with' as 'wif'?

really

2009-09-08T22:29:00.002+08:00

really, i would greatly much appreciate it, and even be thankful if you could just tell me straight in the face do you have any issues with me. if you really hate me that much, please let me know straight away.

it is irritating, and suffocating to be in an ambiguous environment, not being heard, getting ignored or talked to for the sake of talking to.

saddest songs

2009-09-08T22:04:00.002+08:00

why do i find solace in the saddest song i have now? is it because people tend to incline themselves towards the things that corresponds to their feelings at the moment?

in that case i shall not deny that i am feeling somewhat sad, and i have every reason to be.

and i wonder why is it that some things never go away. like being treated as an outsider. and ultimately not being appreciated.

i thought i put that behind me already (although not so long ago).

usually i will be laughing my head off watching something like the retarded seiyuu event. but some how i couldn't this time...

smiles and laughter just don't come even when you face the funniest crack on earth...

i think they deliberately gave me this heart attack

2009-09-07T23:32:00.002+08:00

i think they deliberately gave me this heart attack.

for a moment i couldn't find that video. and now, in replacement, was a more retarded one, which made me literately squeal and jumping about in my chair, abandoning all assignments and readings whatsoever, and devote that 30 minutes to watching and searching.

now it only read 2% at 12hr 30min.

i think they really want to make me mad as hatter... with

Kuroshitsuji Seiyuu Live Event 2009

BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!!

300th post

2009-09-06T20:51:00.002+08:00

incidentally this is the 300th post if this entire weblog. and i amaze myself sometimes.

came back from running just now, and i concluded that i should permanently superglue my earphones into my ear and make sure the ipod is implanted into my body. it is a mistake to prolong myself to isolation from music, as it is suicidal (in my case) to be thinking in an off-tangent way. and through that i've realised that music not only is what kept me going all these while, it is what defined my thinking even for a few seconds. and that was what defined who i am, sorta like an identity. and seriously, without that, i'll be like what happened on the streets.

and talk about identity. i realise that i've been chasing after Raiin in the wrong way. (again, and as usual). to be honest, i'm not exactly happy going back to school, although i really wanted to during the holidays. but after what i've seen and what i've just saw myself getting into, it might have been a better idea to not have done so.

apparently, i've just realised (or perhaps realised long ago but refused to admit it), is that i am always judged before i was even introduced to. even as i'm typing this, my hands can't seem to continue with my thoughts because it is just so hard.

it's only the start of the 2nd week. even before it started, i hoped desperately for a good start. and things just happen like this. the more you want something, the less likely it'll turn up, or worse, it gave you the worst of the worst.

hard to try to look on the bright side of things, but perhaps the news of november's release of resident evil darkside chronicals does seem to have cheered me up a little. just a little.

"compared to the ways to solve a problem, the more important thing is the power of believing"

i tried believing, i guess i'll give it another shot. because, what saved me back in the early 2000's should be able to perform the same miracle now. i hope. and this isn't some dumb anime/manga crap...

i shouldn't doubt

2009-09-03T23:39:00.002+08:00

i think i shouldn't doubt it anymore. that the best therapy for me comes from only one source and that is the indulgence of anime and manga with my favourite characters saying the most insignificant things in the most comforting ways, listening to my favourite voice actors singing with the most normal of voice in the most assuring way.

just by watching 07-Ghost for less than 5 minutes was enough to wipe out the angst face and replace it with the smile that i've been missing for quite some time already. and listening to songs sung by old time favourites can lift my spirits better than a gourmet meal cooked by the best chefs in the world.

and at this point of time i asked myself, why the hell do i want to doubt them so much. i mean, for quite some time already i've decided not to pay heed to people who think this is just another form of entertainment. to me it was what kept me going for these years, led me thinking of things that should really matter, and how things should matter to one. and i've given up convincing others who have conflicting views about this issue and decided that if they want to treat me as an idiot in their world, it's only fair that i do so in mine.

but for some reason, whenever i feel down or sad or even felt the world doesn't seem to give a damn about what happens to me, it never occurred to me that i should go find the one remedy that does wonders in manner of mili-seconds. only after i've dragged myself into that state does it dawn upon me that sickening question that pricks at my guilty conscience.

and everytime that happens, i felt like myself again. like a rechargeable battery finally gets it's energy back. i felt like that girl again, that girl who represented every aspect of life that i couldn't achieve.

but the downside of it, of course, is that energy will eventually run out. and it takes extra effort to get it charged back on again. and i'll get back to feeling like the girl once again, the girl who lives in the shadows of others.

sometimes i just want to sit and cry it all out, because many of them says crying it out will make me feel better. but for some reason, whenever i felt the urge to cry, it subsided almost immediately and my tears fall back down. i think i'm abnormal. or perhaps i'm gradually becoming like that girl, ever so little.

it's barely the end of the 1st week of school, and already i've given up most of the hope i had.

met up with a couple of people today. had my brain cells destroyed to about 5% left. my internals hurt now with the slightest movement due to excessive laughter. but in the end, i realise that, i did what i said. heck self-fulfilling prophesy. because i know i deserve a little more of what i think and what i will. and i should.

one million years since the last

2009-08-28T13:01:00.002+08:00

wow it's been like what? one million years since the last time i've been here?

and money is like time that flies like nobody's business. i swear i can't wait to get back to school. then i'll probably spend less...

i just love house of the dead. although overkill was simply overrated.

and through the pass weeks, i think i've grown to realise how irritating i was, and how double faced i have been. time to get things straight. i mean, i really really, think that there are times that were damn unbearable. and just like the comic says, well, i guess i'll follow what's right.

perm!!!!!!!!! now i look like Rangiku... omg. this is so overrated. whahaha! i'd rather look like kai instead of her... and yeah, perhaps that was what i initially intended to anyway...

finally one chapter is up. i had it there all along, but just completely forgot about it. and last night i have this huge urge to post it. and yes, woke up to only 1 review, and another one from the 'stalker' whahaha!!!!

miss writing. miss fantasizing. miss the good 'ol days of chasing after people who don't even know we existed. miss the good days where we were after things that sets us apart from the others.

miss the good 'ol days.

and i demand, BBS Suwabe's session. yes, i DEMAND, so there must be a supply.

omg school hasn't even started, and already i'm on Demand/Supply. freak.

ouchies

2009-08-14T00:39:00.002+08:00

holidays started.

got HOD, not bad, i think i got hooked onto light gun shooting games. but need the zapper to prevent handicap of hand... now i wan HOD overkill and resident evil umbrella chronicals. no idea why that's named that... NFS sux big time. total regret.

a whole new bunch of movies, not bad, spent the time thinking they sux, they're nice.

random dream about my band back in sec school. totally weird. i think either i was affected by Role Models, or HOD. i am so deluded in that dream.

super not happy with my grades. very very unhappy with it.

bitch

2009-08-09T00:43:00.002+08:00

sakura, you are a total bitch.

sai is absolutely right, and if he had a tinge more of emotion in him, he would have beaten the crap out of you regardless of whether you are a guy or girl cos you are one big son of a bitch, and i bloody hate you!

i hope you die in the near future. like really die in the hands of some nonsensical idiot, or even killed by sasuke.

just when i thought

2009-08-05T00:49:00.002+08:00

haha. just when i thought i was bad, i saw the worse. my gawd. allow me for a moment to be arrogant and pompous and laugh at what i've been denied for so long.

weird dreams started to come back, but well, they all worked quite well, at least i know that despite all the happenings in real life, at least when i'm sleeping, i could live a life somewhat different from now.

so yes, everytime someone leaves this world, he/she left behind a huge score of stuff to settle, in this case, everything else is settled, except for the gossips behind. like whatever. i mean, now i realise what the hell is call 'filthy rich'. and it all made alot of sense, at the same time, doesn't make any sense at all as to why he only has a minature wardrobe which malfunctioned long time ago, and that dream house seemed so far away to him... it made absolutely no sense at all to me.

the other day mum saw me complained into the phone, and it's just one day into the funeral. she said:

人生就不过如此

when i looked at it, yeah it does seem quite true, i mean afterall, to be cliche a little, we're here today, we might not be tomorrow. but i can't deny the fact that i don't want to live for a future that has not arrived, and missed everything i have now.

perhaps that's the reason why i like to revisit the past. like spending time watching shows over again.

can't wait for isolation from books. and a great day of kickin' butts. the other day i totally kicked aturo's ass with just 5 hits, almost a perfect victory, when the other time we spent like hell to fight him. well, waiting for thursday again. when i finally get to showdown with my da ge :)

great escape

2009-07-31T16:35:00.001+08:00

whoo hoo. nice old movies, nice old soundtracks, absolutely sweetness.

i feel very bi-polar now. hahaha!

hmm... i wanna buy new games.

cant' wait for holidays to come.

tribute to

2009-07-25T23:44:00.006+08:00

Goodbye Dear Cousin Chong Hao,

i've known you ever since i was born literately, but not figuratively. i never had a proper conversation with you, the last time i remembered talking to you was a phone call to ask about something medical. since then, i never saw you, until today, but i doubt you even know i was at your bed, chanting sutras together with your friends, sending you on your last journey.

since young i've followed your footsteps silently. my mum sang praises of you, quoted you, used you as an example every time i deviated from the right path by a little. you were a role model, a goal, and a competitor to me.

but from some time onwards, i realise that i do not have the same capabilities as you, perhaps due to the environment in which we grew up and people we meet, i fell short of your path, while you continued to climb the ladder of your chosen path, and earned your title of a Dr, literately and figuratively, someone who does save lives, and attained the highest order of education.

to a person who deviated from the 'right' path, as pre-determined by our parents, i decided not to follow your path anymore, both because of self and environmental issues, as a result, academically, i did not attained the goals that you did. musically, i tried, failed, but attained something that i thought was worthy to be equated to your accomplishment.

i remembered there was a period of time my mum tried to convince you of finding a partner, and you politely tried to counter-convince my mum and your mum. at that time you were already climbing a ladder many young aspiring singaporeans dream of. i remembered meeting you twice outside, a comical incident at the hospital, and another on the bus. both were mid-day, and you told me and my mum you just knocked off from work ever since the morning the day before. at that point i remembered telling my mum that if it were me, i would have died from such heavy work. but to you, it was a fulfilling and gratifying career.

and despite the heavy workload and busy schedule, you still found time to see the world. you visited places of breath-taking beauty, rich cultural heritage, and seen things most people have never seen. you appreciated the beauty which many of us did not. i'm reminded of this small little question and answer session i had during one our relative's wedding, you were explaining many different cultural significance of the architecture and sculptures in india, on one of your trips. i was amazed that you could remember all of what you found out. and once again, i had the urge to walk your path again.

i remembered again, that you were working at the ICU during the SARS outbreak. at that time, i accompanied my mum folding countless paper cranes as a gesture to support you. but unfortunately it never reached your hands. till this day, i kept questioning, what would be your reaction when you received those cranes? would our relationship as cousins, son and daughter of very close sisters improve? the answer wouldn't come, not anymore.

i was happy for you, when i got news of you having found a partner, and i truly thought it was a good match. and yet, during the many meetings, be it with my parents or with me, we never spoke. i tried to, but it was cut off, or ignored. at that time i wasn't happy about it, and perhaps complained to my mum, if memory serves.

nevertheless, i still supported you on your career, be happy for you for your wedding, continued to envy your priceless experiences, and strived to walk that path of yours. you never know these things, i doubt you did, and never will.

the previous time i saw you, you were on cloud nine, blissfully holding the woman of your dreams with a bright new life ahead of you. and yet, the next time i saw you, you were on your deathbed, oblivious to all around you. even though i have no memory of times spent with you, but you were a role model that i looked up to. hence i did what i could at the time, chanting the sutras which you have taken effort to undertand to you with your friends, who stood by you right till the end.

you have wonderful friends. friends of all ages and sizes. friends who took the liberty of taking leaves, staying by your side, finding help, and recited pages of mantra, sutras, meditations over and over again since god knows what time since morning to ease your sufferings. and from what your friends recited together with the sutras and mantra, your contributions and merits this lifetime, i can't help but being reminded of the path you took once again. and as i chanted together with them, i realise, that path was right in front of me, just one step away.

right now as i'm typing this, i'm fighting back the tears i swore not to shed before arriving at your house today, the tears i fought back when i saw your family's tear-washed eyes and faces, the tears i fought back as i listened to your contributions and merits. because i remembered someone once told me, that the amount of tears you shed for someone before or after death, will equate to the amount of unwillingness and resistance of that someone to pass on peacefully. for you, it will be to be with Buddha, and the various Bodhisattvas you based your learnings from.

i hope that you'll find your place in the afterlife, hopefully it is as said, with Buddha and the various Bodhisattvas, or a good next life, if you believed in reincarnation. and i will continue to strive for your path, look up to you as a role model, a goal, and a competitor.

with that,

Goodbye Dear Cousin Chong Hao.

危机

2009-07-24T18:12:00.004+08:00

紧急呼叫露其亚二嫂，恋次二哥，修兵堂

哥，卯之花姑姑，勇音堂妹！

白哉大哥有事了！！有人要抢走大哥！！

緋真大嫂，你在天之灵要保佑大哥，还有我

们！！

summer semester

2009-07-21T21:39:00.004+08:00

i just got reminded why we hate summer sememsters so much...

exactly two weeks from now (now meaning mid terms for coms441), is the final exam...

within 2 weeks, minus 4 days we are supposed to finish 8 chapters... and for me one presentation and paper...

exactly 2 weeks and 2 days from now (now meaning quiz 2 for psy 333) is yet another final exam.

and for her i have absolutely no idea what the hell is she going to test, since she pretty much likes to digress during lectures, and jump about the chapters like fleas...

each constitutes 25% and 20% of the overall grade respectively...

do i get a moment to catch my breath?

summer semester is supposed to be a bloody holiday. and yet for us it has turned into the worst nightmare of the year.

thanks to whoever is the gigantic big mouth who decided that UB program constitutes of a summer semester of only 13 weeks! you are greatly NOT appreciated.

balance

2009-07-19T18:45:00.002+08:00

ok i figured out the gigantic problem already.

i need a balance of school work, anime, manga, movies, and outings.

either one of those is missing, i'll crumble.

elaboration:

during holidays with no school work, it's a bore everyday because every day is the same, no goals, nothing. so, no school work, not a good thing.

during school days, no anime since i gave up some lengthy grandma story, becomes boring because everyday is about nonsensical stuff like motivation at work, public relations, evaluation. too much school work, not a good thing either. anime stimulates because of the action, voice (very important) and visual.

during all times, no manga, ultimate bad. it's like no snacks in your day! that's gross! i need breaks, little stories that inspire, brightens and warms the heart! no manga, absolutely bad!

during all times, no movies, omg this is what you call world crumbling down. movies tells little stories on the move, with visual, audio, action, everything thrown in! without it i'm dead!

during all times, no outings, omg worse. where's my dosage of happiness and laughter? i'm worse off than those living in the mountains pls...

yep, that's the major problem of my life. spelt out in full. and do i get a fufillment of it? i doubt so.

balance? tipped heavily on the 'danger' side.

i don't like

2009-07-18T18:17:00.003+08:00

i don't like to be told what to do. because it makes me feel like i'm living my life for someone else.

and sometimes there are things that i've tried, whether subtly or outright, and after so many tries, i've given up. which means whatever comes, i don't give a damn about it anymore. i gave up, means i won't try anymore. i'll still hold grudges, but i don't care. because i know the same cycle will come again, and in the end i'll be standing at square one, with absolutely nothing at all.

lessons learnt are meant to be applied. which applies to things such as getting nothing out of something.

how much you know

2009-07-16T21:57:00.001+08:00

you'll be surprised at how much you know that other people don't, when you talk to people you haven't talked to before... even if they seem much more knowledgable then you... (haha...)

漫画果然是要拿在手里才痛快

2009-07-14T18:05:00.002+08:00

名：雷瀛
年：20
特征：耳机，漫画

今天终于克制不了诱惑，买了三本漫画。

漫画果然是要拿在手里才痛快！

早上有人说我终于回来了，我还真不信。不过当我打开漫画，闻到那股新书呛鼻的味道时，我才真的意识到，我真的回来了。

好久没一股想要写作的冲动了。没想到让我重返‘江湖’的会是那套漫画，真的做梦也没想到。哈哈。

结果真的在课堂上，一边用手机查字，一边装着听课抄笔记地写作，但也没什么进展，毕竟真正的故事情节已经让我用了三天两夜的时间想烂了。哈哈！！

差点笑死

2009-07-13T21:36:00.002+08:00

昨晚差点就真的笑死了。

多谢漫画的 drama CD. 也是费了一番苦心才下载完。（我看我真的跟下载没缘。。。）

看了声优名单，整个脸马上立刻跨下来。

那只变态老狐狸的声优竟然声音那么糟！！亏他还是我堂哥！！

伊恩也好不到哪里去。。。不该录的声音也录了进去。。。（死亡原因之一）

不过凯薾和李隆基就还好吧。。。两个真有够甜的。（死亡原因之二）

听到最后，为什么没了！！！！李和凯薾的下半段呢！！！！（死亡原因之三）

好了不要说了，已经死了三次了，在听下去真的会被感动死。。。

太高兴了

2009-07-11T22:18:00.002+08:00

哇撑死了，老妈买了那么多东西。

呵呵，昨天真是开心死了。前两天一时心血来潮想找漫画看，突然想到以前看过的一系列BL 漫画，马上找。在线的都不能看，卡死了！！！·#￥%*# 唉正当我打算放弃，啊哈！有的下载。不过也是个麻烦到要死的下载方式。费了两天的时间，两天！！！！终于得到手了。哇塞还是续集的。这下有的看了！耶！

啊哈，熟悉的面孔出现了。好色奸诈的老狐狸浅葱，和他随身不离的伊恩。哈哈算是漫画里两个我看得最有头的一对，伊恩也就算了，只是一直都不明白浅葱看好伊恩哪里。样貌? 两个都帅，不算。随便啦。不过就是伊恩的不安，浅葱的威武，所以才那么感人。

浅葱万岁！！！！欢迎来到我的漫画家族！！从昨天你就是我的堂哥了！娃哈哈哈！！！

不过半途杀出又一对，李隆基和凯爾。阿阿阿啊!!!!! 太可爱了!!!!!!!!!!!　哈哈，李隆基实在是太太太太太可爱了哈哈！！！！人也帅，真的是 omg!!!!!!

夜深人静，看漫画是真的很开心，只是不能大笑。。。要不然老妈会来砍人。。。　

不过真的很温馨，这漫画里的对对角色都让人时笑时哭。有时就真的让我笑到差点死掉。（笑到椅子突然往后翻，差点跌死）不过真的很好看！！！！　虽然多半时候都是‘不能放映’的画面，但因为剧情的发展，两人如何面对困难与彼此的感情。。　不过真的是因为很好笑。。　哈哈。

耶！今天也有漫画可以看，追随多年的老伙伴们，今天雷瀛又来看你们了！

（用华文打字真的很慢很麻烦。。。亏我现在还在腰酸背痛。。。昨天打拳打过头了）

see me zao right?

2009-07-11T00:23:00.000+08:00

hum ji right. see me nia, quickly zao right?

been complaining alot

2009-07-07T01:12:00.002+08:00

been complaining alot lately, but i think i ought to give gratitude to some things despite my down turn of luck

1. thanks for the wii
2. thanks for the help for my psp
3. thanks for the laughter you guys bought to me
4. thanks for the friends who stuck with me
5. thanks for the listening ear for the things i bitch about
6. thanks for the support i got
7. thanks for the concern that i received

update abit

2009-07-06T03:07:00.002+08:00

long time no blog, update abit...

1. fell down in exam hall that day, scraped my knee, sorta bruised it (hope it's not injury), bleeded 1 drop of blood, suffered er... a few days of restricted movement and pain.

2. got jabbed and nagged by mum who is convinced that something is wrong with me and by the doctor. thanks for the injection that gave me a tiny cramp on my arm. and stop telling me what i am. i know, and i'm working on it.

3. bought the all awaited Wii!!!!!!!!! i still remember the commercial "Wii would like to play". 1 day of pricing comparision, almost died. sibei tulan. (pardon my swearing), but you two shops, i swear i'll never go in to ask for anything unless i have no other choice, or i'm going in to mock the hell out of you. i'm a girl so what? doesn't mean i don't play games. what kind of bloody attitude is that?! you just wait. don't think i'm a girl i won't fight back. dare me and i'll fight it all out right in the middle of Sim Lim Square until you close shop. other than that, psycho-ed by uncle to buy WiiFit, took me 3 hours to set it up, and played until i was total shag. and it is really shag, playing whatever games. i think the real reason why i was so tired, is because i laughed too much... not cos of playing, but of the laughter... (can burn fats/carbs/calories right?) but it's fun. if only i didn't have that scrapped knees... come come and play with me!!!

4. someone stepped out, but someone came in to stand in for that person to irritate the bloody hell out of me. did you get this person to sub for you?! you have nothing better to do isit?! and you! have officially stepped on my bloody toes. you just wait. someday, you'll regret what you've done.

5. i have 4 husbands, 1 kor, 1 kor kor, 1 sister-in-law, 1 uncle, 1 cousin. but i still can't stand monochrome factor... despite i love that voice... my gawd... that heart/body-melting voice... awwwwwwwwwww

6. apparently i'm not the only one who saw what happened. it's somehow a good thing...

7. discovered some things which i only thought of it now, and found some answers which didn't answer any questions at all. (waste my time)

8. been eating less significantly these days. been out of schedule these days.

9. have been wasting money like turning on running water... gotta save up... for iphone...

10. many friends coming to SIM! YAY!!!!!! ehem. 4th aug, lunch is on you Mr. Kimidamaru88 and don't act blur and 'huh' me thanks.

11. glad that i was of help to someone despite my own inexperience.

12. feeling more confident bit by bit.

13. ok getting crappier and crappier haha, let's stop.

but in a nutshell, my friends, no worries. any length, i'll be there (except if you throw my wii controller out of my window you'll pay for it. other than that, anything, you know which number you can call)

those who stepped on my toes, don't worry, your turn will come soon. but that time i'll see if i can break your leg or something.

officially black-listed people, have fun wasting your life away while i watch with popcorn and a nice big couch.

those who can't do/act as they say/believe/promise, please do yourself a favor and do what's right, whether by disappearing or changing.

and to my stuffies, thanks for your presence.

VIZARDS

2009-07-04T00:51:00.002+08:00

OMG!!!!!!!! VIZARDS!!!! YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!

you certainly made my day!!!!!!!!!!!

JYJYJYJYJYJYJYJY!!!!!!! I'LL BE ROOTING FOR YOU GUYS!!!!!

Shinji

Hiyori

Rose

Love

Mashiro

Hacchi

Kensei

Lisa

GAMBATTE!!!!!!

Urahara! Yoruichi! and that square glasses guy!!!! WHERE ARE YOU !!! COME OUT AND HELP!

yuck can't even come close to describe

2009-07-03T23:49:00.002+08:00

i would use this quote that i was refraining myself from using for a very long time...

风往哪里吹就往哪里飘

this phrase was used by someone i don't wish to bring up unless it is for a confrontation, but now i can't find a better phrase, but to use it.

just watched MI trilogy, (i know i'm slow), and the phrase:

and i think, skydiving would be so much more interesting than branch/vine swinging.

don't feel at all good

2009-06-30T23:42:00.003+08:00

i felt as though i am being forgotten.

i tried to reason for the entire day, from a long bus ride, a long phone call, a long mrt ride, a long talk, and i'm turning around in circles.

i didn't expect it. but it did. already i'm stressed enough, i'm angry enough with other things in life.

seriously i'm doubting the level of luck in my life now. because it seem to be at all time low, low to the fact i think it's underground.

a pair of wasted new shoes that has never been worn

a few sms wasted on asking fruitless questions

a few pieces of paper being debated about

and people whose toes i've never stepped on.

i realise i can't take it anymore. i really feel the impending explosion already.

fortune teller talent

2009-06-30T18:03:00.001+08:00

with a little training, i think i make a good fortune teller.

and i'm in pain, inside out.

hatred is a bad feeling

2009-06-26T23:45:00.002+08:00

hatred is a bad feeling, like duh, but i can't help but feel a tremedous amount of it towards many people and issues in life.

like my cousin's fate. a well-natured, life-saving doctor who travelled half the world, has only about 1 year more to live thanks to the all-hated cancer.

like my dad. hardworking dude who worked his life off to give me and my mum and his mom and brothers a better life and is falling apart thanks to some ****ing XXX.

like my earphones. loyal gadget that stuck with me through thick and thin and suddenly he lost his ears.

me? i don't even know where to begin. and if i start, i'll never stop.

because right now i feel like a complete bitch hell-bent on blaming all the people responsible for every speck of unhappiness that landed on top of my head.

i'm being angsty, even after pms. that goes to show how much i hatred i have right now.

my study area

2009-06-25T01:27:00.003+08:00

i have just 'destroyed' my working place with people i love to death. the already messy wall behind my computer screen (the one that is shining thinking its a sun), is further messed up two days ago with more pictures of happy faces, great friends having fun, and comrades together. and further up is the cupboard, tessellated with thumbnails of people i love and wacky fortune cats and weird people with funny faces haha. (took me a while to cut and paste, while listening to ghost stories)

another polar bear, it's a puppet by the way. named frost. whahaha!!! i was disturbing drivers on the road with it, as i conveniently hid behind the window sils while waving to drivers at the red light. (one guy actually fell for it and ask him mom to look). hahaha!!!

glacier is as usual, looking at the ceiling for what reason i don't know. and yes. the table and workspace shows just how 'free' and 'bored' i am.

oh ya, today i found out that i'm a 'scream-er'. i always thought i was a 'shout-er' but i guess, circumstances change and people's true face might just surface. just like how some people with no back-bones, retarded people, irritating housefly version 2, and suckers: unmasked.

a sucker is born every minute

2009-06-23T17:01:00.002+08:00

"a sucker is born every minute"

i didn't believe bob+armstrong when he said it, studied it, and answered it on a quiz.

but today i do. because i jsut saw, with prove, that yes, a sucker is born, let me rephrase.

another sucker is born.

and my reaction to that was 'why am i not surprised'

and i just broke into fits of laughter.

perhaps that's what they mean by 'birds of a feather flock together'

and 'like attracts like'

superbly glad that i got out of that 'like-ness' already, else i might very well be the 3rd sucker.

i'm being mean i know, but i have every reason to be.

sue me

sore loser

2009-06-18T22:48:00.002+08:00

i'm very sore at something which i'm going to be real huge bitch and blame everyone else for it but myself because i can't see the reason why i'm at fault.

to xx with xx

2009-06-16T23:55:00.002+08:00

to the friend of a friendship that began with our fathers, jyjy!! there's nothing else to do except pursuing your own goals, because nothing is more important to you than yourself. i'm sure you know what you want and where you want to go, so just focus and believe in yourself, because life will unfold itself in its many different ways.

to the Dr. Jackyl/Mr. Hyde whom i can't even remember how this person's voice sound like, like seriously quit being such a coward and hiding behind the scenes trying to act big and talk big and whatever crap because you simply can't pull off a proper lie so don't try, you'll only embarrass yourself.

to the irritating person whom i can't wait to engage in a verbal war, like seriously grow some backbone and stop running to retarded people who can't scheme and plot properly, and continue being the selfish fish-monger so you can lose all the people around you.

to the annoying person who continue to live in the small bubble the diameter of 1mm, stop your annoying crap because it just irks the hell out of people and just go be with your long lost twin separated from birth.

facebook login

2009-06-11T21:32:00.002+08:00

i think from now on i'll cut down logging into facebook and navigating through it. in fact, i don't think i'll want to navigate anymore.

now that i see that even being part of the community doesn't exactly mean you'll be in the mainstream community.

and i seriously have endured enough. it's not really pms or whatever crap, i think that's it.

omg heaven!!

2009-06-07T02:54:00.002+08:00

oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!!! i finally got it!!!!!! Journey to the Center of the Earth's OST!!!! OMG!!!!!!! 1 and a half hours wait isn't wasted!!!!!! OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! *melts*

to think that i thought it was gone!!!!!!!! whooo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

hahahahaha!!!!!

i know i'm abit slow, but catching up with fb's application games has been fun. apparently i have no idea how these people get these top scores, or perhaps they are just good.

i don't care!!!! I GOT THE OST!!!!!!

PS Edit to the previous post, when i was saying about the father-in-name thing, i meant both ways, that some kids are too stuck up, and some dads are too stuck up in something less important than real life.

just when you thought

2009-06-06T15:56:00.003+08:00

just when you thought you know something, it isn't the truth. symptoms about my dad and how my mum feels would be otherwise oblivious to me the night time owl. apparently things aren't as bleak as it seems, but the tightening of chest, deep breathing that i experienced while explaining every single question on the 26 pages survey to my mum shows how much i hated to be in the situation, let alone the entire scene. but i guess the resilience i see, i know i have to match up to it. which makes me pity others, who have a father in name, but can't seem to care about them because they have their brains stuck up somewhere less important than real life.

as much as i hate people who don't tell the truth, i find it amusing when people stumble on their own lies and turn around to throw temper as though it's others' fault. and to think that these people made it through the span of their lives simply throws me into a much bigger question about life. and i pity the people associated with these people because of the broken down structure of society's foundation, let alone their own stucture. haha, i still can't stop laughing. not to mention the big words people throw to flaunt their non-existent power, it's simply hilarious. much more hilarious than the clown who lost his red nose. if you can't lie, don't try. if you can't settle a problem, don't act as if you do. if you lost, be at least HALF a man and face it.

and to the issue which has bugged me for a while, i shall not pen down any names or facts that accociate with it, before i get shot in the head, but i just find that, despite how they try, being this way is just plain telling others that there is a prominent problem. and if that's not grave-digging, nothing else is. i'm not trying to get involved, but i'm saying that to think that such people are within reach, i just wonder if it's really the right place to be in the first place. and seeing how things turn out, being left out or alone once again, i can't do anything about it.

i guess i'm weird

2009-06-04T00:08:00.002+08:00

school has been, funny? and boring. ohh yaa now that i remembered, i forgot to blog about our dearest, best teacher so far, Coms 249 teacher!!!!! shall not put the name down, incase google points to my page ahaha but this guy is Freakinnnn~ funny!!!!!!!!!

-swallowed a fly to abide by 'no spitting' law in singapore
-saw a bullshark at boat quay
-terrorized a lizard whom he mistakenly took as a 'gecko' that it dropped its tail

my gawd. his class, simply rock more than all the teachers we had put together. GO GO!!! Professor L.R

seriously his name reminds me of a character in anime. since they both shared the same name, haha.

i guess i'm weird, all the while being on the offensive side of some things, and turning myself against anyone or anything that comes in close contact to some things. and of course, gloating about certain things when i know i'll accumulate karma haha. but i guess that's the whole fun of it. i mean, now with everything sort of settled back into my life. like how it used to be. myself. there are some people out there, whom i've decided to take a very offensive and defensive measure to curb these people from infiltrating. my thoughts are messed up at this current point, so let's give it a rest, else we would be ranting at it all night and still don't get it.

i need more happy pictures on my walls. not just my protective brothers, watchful guardians, but also more happy moments. does ouran have any fan sites that post screenshots?

forgive my arrogance

2009-05-31T17:29:00.002+08:00

forgive my arrogance but i simply think this is the truth.

sometimes it is just frustrating to be within reach of people who think they are great, just because of a certain level of proficiency and accomplishment, (note that i said accomplishment, not achievement). and by far i'm still ticked off and annoyed with the questions and answers and listening thing i babbled in the previous post.

more often than not, those said accomplishments are trade-offs of things that are theoretically more important than the accomplishments. and with that, i have no idea how these people think, and for some reason, being categorized under the same category as these people makes me feel degraded. why? because the higher-ups of that category are the people who set the standards, and the lower-downs of that category is inevitably smeared with that standard, whether they like it or not, and regardless of their reasons why they are even there in the first place. so for that, i hate you people for it.

fortunately, the world has some brain and thinking power, and equivalence is deployed. those without accomplishments, are fortunately blessed with knowledge, no matter how insignificant it can be, and they are those who are doused with curiosity and a tinge of adventurousness that sets them to find out answers for themselves, hence, achievement. and more often than not, such answers can be found within a single click, if not a few more, and some comprehension of content (note that i said comprehension, not analysis). and i'm surprised that there are people who can't do that. and here comes another round of questions and answers and questions again which ticks people like me off.

we may not be good, but at least we know what's right and what's wrong, what are morals, and what's out there that's good.

perhaps that's the reason why some things are plain obvious to us, while it is unfantomable to them.

surprises

2009-05-29T20:17:00.002+08:00

as much as i like fun surprises that leaves people feeling happy, i usually don't feel surprised because somehow i'm the reverse of Tamaki who is someone slow when it comes to issues about himself. yes, i tend to think too far and stuff like that, and hence when it comes to my stuff, i usually don't get surprised. i'll admit that i'm slow when it comes to other stuffs, like i said, reverse of Tamaki, but i'm trying hard, firstly by putting others before myself, others' feelings before myself's, much like some anime character whom i really don't want to mention, let alone resemble. but that's just me, and my way of compensating for slowness.

but i hate unexpected things, that's when i don't have control over issues, let alone know them, and i feel severely left out. i hate it. much much hate it.

and i hate people who don't listen. im not talking about hearing. i'm bloody hell talking about listening. which includes comprehension and understanding and retaining of information. which bloody hell some people don't and ask redundant, or rather infuriating questions that annoy the hell out of me. and i hate it when i ask for the answer to question B, someone gives me an answer to question A part 1. and i've already stated i know the whole thing, don't bloody hell explain the whole bloody issue to me again.

i'm not stupid. so don't treat me like one. and since you did, don't blame me for future insensitive remarks. if you don't want to listen to what i say when answering your questions, then don't bother talking to me. i don't entertain people who don't understand the meaning of 'precise and concise'.

spending time with laughter

2009-05-24T23:53:00.003+08:00

i really think that the time spent with this bunch of people is the best remedy to almost everything under the sun that is bad. because for no matter how long the time was, i'll be laughing for most of the time, ok let me rephrase that. laughing for THE WHOLE time.

anyway. got a pair of slippers, and in the end they were a little too big for me... but at least i know i won't fall down with this one... went around looking for pal's handphone charm, and seaweed... which in the end sent me on a laughing mania again...

little pokey signals... OMG WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM LARHZ!

after an incident, i have the habit of saying the word 'retarded'... ya, i'm sure whoever reads this will know who was the cause of this habit...

ok i guess i better get back to writing assignments.

oh, can anyone tell me where i can go and sit down, with cool wind blowing, and nobody for about 3 miles left right front back?

natsukashi~

2009-05-21T22:07:00.002+08:00

uhiaaaa, superb nostalgic watching ouran high school host club. haha. especially the piano sonata for 2. for some reason pal's obsession was able to play the song with two hands only. well, i guess in anime, anything is possible even in the most normal of shows. whahaha.

but somehow i couldn't find the normal version of the song online, because the only one i have is the crazy version that nodame played with chiaki... so it sounded superbly scary.

went to compass point straight after school today to save myself from the freakish fear of scratching my nano. so i guess i trusted that attitude guy from bishan best denki and went down to compass point, and sure enough there was an apple store there. and yep, there was a good one with silicon case, screen membrane, screen protector and the scroll membrane. whoo hoo! all for twenty! minus 10 cents.

i think i talked abit too loud in CC today... given that i was too excited to share my news of the cheapest staffs in FM, opps, sorry!!

ohh yaa i passed BTT!!!!! and for some reason cecilia heard 'BTT test' as 'bikini test'... -.- thanks durian... i concluded that touch screen stuff, the harder you press, the more it won't get clicked. so just.... ya...

speaking of hearing wrongly... zeph told me last night something that had me throwing tables laughing, more hard than the 'ya i know' and the 'headless motorcyclist' incident. which is my dar's name. 'ore wa Grimmjow da'. some idiot heard 'ore wa Cream Soda'

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

well, things have changed. and i know i'm slow at some aspects of life, which i concluded that it is due to the distance i put between myself and that zone for most of my life that resulted in this lagginess. but at least my other instincts are still working fine, and yes.

zzzzz. this post actually took more than enough time to type... it's already 11.54.

freaked out by school

2009-05-19T20:28:00.002+08:00

school has started, and i'm entirely, for reasons unknown, FREAKED out.

it seems like the three weeks of holidays i was isolated somewhere in mars or jupiter. and coming back to school was either in surprise or shock or bewilderment.

i know that was what i intended at the begining, but i guess as usual i didn't expect the outcome, and now suffering from what i would like to modify as 'culture shock'. not exactly culture, but at least... i dunno..

i'm just freaked suddenly. like seriously... help.

but i guess 3 weeks of vacation, seemed like 3 months this time, given situation i saw now...

and i can't wait to get another vacation... for some reason or another.

i'm just freaked.

maddening dreams

2009-05-17T14:33:00.002+08:00

this is freaking maddening to be dreaming of weird themed dreams with REAL people in it this time! what the hell!!! omg this is really irritating.

and i concluded never to step into a bookstore, regardless of which, without my talisman/amulet to protect against unwanted noise.

and i think seiyuus are damn cool... although given me, tadpole as a clue would render useless as opposed to beansprout. whahaha!!! but then again if someone were to say 'moyashi', i'll probably guess something else whahaha!!!!

damn those 'red zone' dreams. but i do appreciate the vampire one now. it finally hit me this morning what it really signifies. whoo hoo!!! thanks for the vampire dream!

killed by a vampire

2009-05-16T15:59:00.002+08:00

the other day i dreamt i was killed by a vampire. the story now is very blurred because i have the tendency to forget dreams almost as soon as i wake up. but it involved betrayal of a couple, a little kid, family heritage, and a vampire who suck at remorse and acting. but yes, i was killed with a small little slit at my left pinky with a knife and a vampire bite on my right hand.

so literately, i woke up 'dead', much like in novels of people who wake up after being bitten by a vampire and asking where the hell they are and how they 'survived'. and my pinky hurts. so my first reaction was 'yes it's a dream, but i woke up dead'. nevermind, and within an hour's time i bathed, dressed, ate and hurried out of my house to the place where i go to for answers. kinokuniya/pageone. but i was thinking of kinokuniya because pageone lack something that is vital to my life.

but my sole motive wasn't the answers for the dream, was rather for my life-source so end up holding a D-Grayman's artbook, Art of Bleach and a book of gemstones for my powerstone-fanatic mum before wandering around like a lifeless doll and stumbling upon the shelf of dreams.

so, i grabbed a book, and started interpreting my dream. there's a vampire, and it says in there dreaming of a vampire is because someone untrustworthy is nearby or you don't trust someone. there's death in there, and it says that dreaming of death does not mean a literal death in someone in real life, more like a belief, value or a habit, and dreaming of yourself dying means you kicked a habit, stop believing in a value or belief. and death, for some reason signifies 'rebirth'...

ohkay... i thought at that point, so i'm not going to die and i'm going to be reborn-ed. so what did i stop believing? who's that untrustworthy person around? and am i really going to be reborn-ed?

i mean, i was, WAS reborn-ed, ever since the start of the holidays i reborn-ed into the person whom i once was, only a little more maniac-ish. and i stop believing in nothing, because i always believed in myself, and all those values that were reinforced into me. i certainly didn't stop believing in love, although i'm very skeptical about it, but it's been like that since my birth so it doesn't really matter. there ain't that much untrustworthy people around, although i myself have a clear idea of who to trust who not to. so, what the hell?

then i met pal. she say 'ya, you 放下 him le ar'. ohkay, that interpretation seems logical, but wasn't that a long time ago already? like long long ago even before the start of my holidays? well if that's the case this dream came VERY later arrrrrrrr~.

but then i guess it seems logical that this dream, if interpreted correctly, came late is completely understandable. because i'm a very slow person, which i have realised on TWO occasions. ok i'm slow. sue me.

ohkay, but then, to a person who don't believe in 100% of things, i shall keep this dream as a warning sign, as a sign of turning point, and a reminder, for future references. because i simply isn't spiritual enough to become a prophet or fortune-teller that i can predict what happens next time.

but still it's freaky, to wake up being dead...

creepy stuff

2009-05-14T01:41:00.003+08:00

come to think of it, i encountered some pretty creepy stuff these days that on the surface it seems normal but if you spare it a little more thought it becomes incomprehensible and scary to the extent that it freaks me out for that fraction of a second. somehow these moments come and go as simple as sitting next to someone and finding out the smallest of similarities or just logging into facebook and seeing a change in someone's messages...

i think i finally found out the real reason why i loved stuff toys so much (after watching the most unlikely person cuddle a life-size elmo and subsequently a dog...). in the past i used to sleep alone, go home to an empty home, and play alone at home. that's when i started giving each stuff toy i had at that time a name and a role to play. and i'll be narrating their lines with different voices, something like a one-man-puppet-show, with stuffies talking to me and me talking back to them. i think that's why i didn't feel alone, despite countless number of people asking me if i was. to me they were an important presence, a presence that kept the meaning of 'lonely' away for most of my life. gradually that habit stopped, but their presence never did went away. sure, some stuffies come and go, and now i don't even remember where half of them went, but as i looked back, my bed throughout my 20 years of life comprised of not just pillows and blankets, but also a small number of stuffies, personified stuffies that is. of course, there will be a time when i know the real meaning of 'lonely', and yes it down right sucked big time and not even the most lovable of stuffies can help.

reminiscing with an old friend who perhaps bear almost similar encounters at least let me know i'm not the only one in this world, something that i found out that despite it's uniqueness, it is a void that is almost crushing, being 'the only one' that is.

it freaks me out to the extent that i just want to curl up somewhere and just brawl. and after watching all sorts of anime, one would think that someone special would find you curling up like a frightened fox child and comfort you. but sadly, that's only reserved in the virtual world. in real life i know you can curl up somwhere and weep until your whole body dries up like preserved pork and it'll still take a few months for the most remote person to find you. i think by that time it's already too late. (like duh... hahaha!!)

all the nights spent dreaming of weird and random stuff that remotely don't even cross a normal working mind is perhaps the worst of all. and i believe it's because waking up in tears in the coldest of air resembles that void that i hated so much that i never wanted to experience it again.

but the lucky thing is that such things come and go the moment i drift off into another phase of sleep, but that's what vicious cycles are for, they come and go and come back again in a never ending circle that serves to drive you nuts.

in addition to feeling deja vu during the day which actually happened in my dreams, external sources of fear gang up against you, it's a win-lose situation. you lose and fear wins.

equavilent trade dominance

2009-05-13T16:38:00.002+08:00

although there's no one theory or principle that governs the world, i still believe that eqauavilent trade applies to many aspects if not the foundation of how this world works. afterall there's no free lunch in this world or you get things for free. in fact nobody will be on that path else there'll be chaos. which is why i hate people who think that they are getting things done on the expenses of others for their own bloody benefit. for you bloody information, time and efforts still counts as part of the bloody trade.

and i hate people who go back on their words. like i said, if you can't do it, don't bloody hell say you can and after that regret your words and try to make amendments and in the end still think you don't want to do it and go back on those words. it's either a bloody 'yes' or 'no'. and once the bloody thing is out there's no bloody turning back. to me these people's words don't mean any thing more than silence. and there's no point in striking a deal with these people.

rakusho

2009-05-11T21:27:00.002+08:00

rakusho na... mou nage janai!!! Whoo hoo!!!

and i think i'm really giving up on monochrome factor... after what i saw... in dunno which ep.... *runs to bathroom to barf*

damn sem

2009-05-09T02:22:00.002+08:00

damned it.

i knew it. right from the start it wasn't a good start and now i finally see the end product.

and i thought i coped very well despite all those f*-ed up distractions.

and i thought i put in 110%.

and i thought i finally proved myself that i could be strong despite adversity.

yet this is what i got.

so are you happy now? now that i'm in such a state that i know i wasn't good enough? that this is only what i'm capable of?

i don't appreciate

2009-05-08T20:00:00.002+08:00

i don't appreciate a 'yes' after a 'no'. it's either a 'yes' or a 'no', and not a 'dunno' then maybe 'yes' or 'no'.

and didn't i recall seeing the words 'i hate you'? so why the sudden Mr. Nice-Guy?

another one with duo-personality? or perhaps it's the mask thing again?

Fukatsu!

2009-05-06T22:44:00.006+08:00

yoshi!! my new darlings:

My darlings!!!! Frau, Bonten, Grimmjow/Pantera, Savaris

Ohohohohoho!!!!!!! and guess what? all of them voiced by my FAVOURITE:

(drumroll)

SUWABE JUNICHI!!!!!!!!!! (trumpet fanfair)

equavilent trade

2009-05-04T02:43:00.002+08:00

equivalent trade: people cannot gain anything without sacrificing something. you must present something of equal value to gain something. that is the principle of equivalent trade in alchemy.

until the end, the principle was rejected, because there are somethings that were gained without sacrifice, and somethings were sacrificed without any gain.

but up till now, it's clear, that some things that are gained, may not be material, nor resemble anything that was presented as an equal value. and somethings, no matter how you sacrifice it, it will never be gone, and what comes is only a stronger and valuable equal to the one you traded. such as bonds...

bonds between brothers, lovers, parents, comrades. no matter how you severe them, they come back stronger than ever, that is if they manage to withstand the severe. by itself, it defied the law of conservation, as known as equivalent trade. so is revenge...

staying up late into the morning, once again, i cried. and never before once, have i regretted being emotional, because it puts me right into people's shoes and walk a mile in them, whether they were alive or dead, real or imaginary.

something that i once gave up on, that i discarded, and in the midst of finding myself once again, i decided to go back to the basics. and i picked it up from the begining.

i guess there are some bonds in this world that can never be formed given your background and history. and some bonds seem too farfetched to even think about it.

but i believe that's the reason why i chose this path. to live my life, fufill my desires and dreams through desires and dreams.

a coin has two sides, a world would have its parallel. nothing is entirely bad, neither is anything entirely good. taking what's considered to be good and turning it into something of your own, and discarding anything that's bad and turning it into something that's not yours.

there's no one ultimate theory that the world follows. that's probably the real truth behind all truths. that nothing is absolute, nothing is perfect, which is why this world is beautiful... a man with an eye-patch once said this to a woman while holding her hair. a man well over his time once said this to his lost son.

i guess that's why all veterans ultimately turn to embracing the world as their final research and education, because that's what they probably found out in the end. and perhaps that's why people say they searched far and wide, travelled the world, tried on different roles, and in the end they still come back to themselves.

i have a naive thinking, of turning what's not real into real, thinking that they exist, through the various little messages they hold, the lessons they taught through the imaginary and unreal.

but i'm satisfied with what i have now, at least they gave me a sign of hope, and that i do have a place to return to, that i can be a better person in future. i tried venturing out, and i was hurt and lost. but in the end, i came back to where i was, doing what i'm good at doing, and found that i needed it more than before.

i guess that's a bond. a bond that no matter how many times you severe, it comes back stronger. it is a bond with the unreal, with the non-existent, with the imaginary. i guess i should have realise it long ago. but each fall has its lesson, and i've learnt this one.

i don't have a brother, but someone is loving his brother, on my behalf.

i don't have a lover, but someone is loving her lover, on my behalf.

i don't have powers to change the world, but someone is using his power to change his world on my behalf.

i don't have many things, but there are people out there, possessing it on my behalf.

and i have many things, i'm possessing it on their behalf.

i have loving parents, and i'm taking care of my parents on their behalf.

i have a home, and i'm living in it on their behalf.

equavilent trade?

i guess it doesn't really matter. because no matter what, we all exist in which ever world we live in, and that's all that mattered...

accomplishment count

2009-05-03T22:20:00.002+08:00

accomplishment count up till now for the HOLIDAYS!

level 80 - Done
Fullmetal Alchemist - Done
D-grayman - Done
Busgamer - Done
Bleach (to recent) - Done
Monochrome Factor - give up... -.-
Bleach Soul Sonic 2005 - Done
Bleach Soul Sonic 2006 - Done
Repairing window seals - Done
Revamping wall decoration - Done

To-Do-List
- clear rubbish
- reorganize wardrobe
- Hatekyoshi Hitman Reborn
- Soul Eater
- Amatsuki
- Gintama
- Ghost Trip
- 07-Ghost

ok it's an endless list...

complaning idiots

2009-04-30T18:27:00.002+08:00

sitting in the depths of cliffs in nothing but a bathrobe and a snowboard although shielded by a cape of unlimited warmth waiting for a pathetically small amount of magic points to recover so as to save on pure water, otherwise known as pots... you know up till now i still haven't gotten the hang of calling magic potions or potions that recover whatever states as 'pots'. partially still because of the notion of using 'pot' to refer to someone in particular, something about 'pot calling the kettle black'... distant memories, but somehow it just stuck... but subconsciously i've been addressing those hundreds of bottles of whatever that resides in my inventory as 'pots' and unknowningly answered 'for buying pots' to questions of why am i still at a place of extraordinary slow leveling speed...

remind me why am i there... oh yes, hunting for toenails. can you imagine that? toenails from lycanthropes... i'm wondering why the hell do anyone want toenails, unless you are a witch or wizard of course... and lycanthropes are pathetically few... so the solution is to wait... i have no idea how i even had the crazy idea of visiting this place the previous time and happily waiting for one to summon more until the whole suspending bridge is impossible to pass...

apparently i'm all alone of course. so naturally the only source that links me to any sign of humanity is filled with megas which i until now have no idea why people would spend money to make the system lag. yet another unfanthomable mystery about people. but yes, and that's just the opening of lid of the pandora's box of humanity's most foulest traits.

then you start questioning why are there so many ungrateful brats out there. this is especially so if you have to wait until certain wolves and lycanthropes to be poisoned and have long periods of waiting time... of course, there's no answer to that. people can do whatever they want during times of peace and then when trouble comes they blame everyone else but themselves. yet another unfanthomable mystery about humanity, and kids.

and of course thinking and thinking and thinking, one thought will lead to another, and i come to think of many things that happened before, and i realise i've done alot of weird things in the past, despite the possession of a brain which it's sole purpose is to think. and the more i think about it, the more i want to find a mountain and just bury myself there for the rest of my life.

well, i guess my magic points have recovered. and perhaps should just resume my hunting of useless toenails...

thank you for ruining my mood

2009-04-24T23:26:00.002+08:00

thank you for ruining my mood

i bloody hell don't appreciate mockery or half-hearted, unintended or done-for-the-sake-of-doing words.

and seriously if you don't want to help, forget it. if it's just me you have a problem with, then fine.

like i said, i'm the kind of person who, unless you step on my toes, i won't step back.

250th post

2009-04-24T00:43:00.003+08:00

wow 250th post, and a new blogskin to go with it. whahahaha! well, now, i'm a ninja, a shinigami, and a new occupation, an exorcist!! whooo hoo!!! well, i'll bet soon i'll become a mafia boss or hitman? whahahaha!!!!!

well, time to get out the broom and clear up all sorts of nonsensical stuff in my room and repair the seals on the windows. decluttering starts now, new wardrobe revamping, exercise to get rid of those excess fat, and get back in touch with all those that i lost.

like kuroshitsuji's ending song suggests, 'i'm alive' whahaha! and that's what i am.

someone in speech class says he's a reader, writer and dreamer.

i'm a ninja, shinigami and exorcist. (whahahaha)

but well, in reality, i'm a sleeper, slacker, and troublemaker!! whahahaha!

human hit factory is ready to roll!

if ever i have the power

2009-04-23T00:46:00.002+08:00

if ever i have power (regardless of what kind), i'll:

-make exams disappear for good from this world

-obliterate those who make me paranoid about seeing some things as simple as a uniform

-squish those irritating annoying 'houseflies'

-make the carrying of samurai swords legal

-learn how to weild a sword

-send those hypocrites of the world on a one way trip to hell

-send those ungrateful people to eternal punishment of mental torture

-become the monopoly of anime/manga

*the above entry was typed in response to the pre-exam nonsense that were going through in my head as i mugged for an unfair and unreasonable and without-mercy exam.

tadaima~

2009-04-19T02:35:00.003+08:00

finally, after today, in fact, after now, i can safely smile and say 'i'm back'.

D Gray-man. haha...

other than that, i found what i lost. though it wasn't the same, but at least this is a good beginning.

just as Allen promised, 'no matter what happens, i'll keep walking.'

after naruto's 'never give up' back in the O lvl days, after a huge gap of at least 4 years, i'm can safely say, 'i'll keep walking'.

ただいま、らいんー参此処からも通好きましょ？:)

oh ya, new name to go with it.

Exorcist: Twilight Ring
Innocence: Crescent Blade

此処からもよろしくね？いしょにがんばって！

to everyone, with love

2009-04-15T01:25:00.002+08:00

to: everyone, with love

being sick for 3 days isn't a nice feeling at all, but there was a remedy waiting in school. i went back to support my buddies who are making their final speeches of this semester, and was quite surprised that i missed a few people, dang.

commemorative speech, a speech that is written and delivered to honor a special reverence that impacted each of us in anyway possible.

i chose to do on Lord of the Rings, as delivered last thursday, i chose that, not because of how handsome legolas looks, but rather the timely re-appearance of these movies despite not being able to appreciate it the last time i encountered them, as opposed to Harry Potter. i remembered shunning away the comments i read online about the comparison of HP and LOTR, but it was at that timely return that made me see light, and differentiate a true classic from another.

in the darkest days, i remembered hatred, disappointment, hurt, and all possible negatives. i craved for a direction out of the darkness, a source of light. i know where my remedy is, but it was too heavy to consume at that time. and now i know, that it was more than mere chance, that brought LOTR back into my life, as Gandalf said 'the rolling of small stones that starts an avalanche'. i saw more important things, i was reminded of who i was last time. and it was then, the phrase 'you'll learn to treasure after you lost it', was understood completely.

as opposed to such a crazy idea of commemorating a trilogy of movies, my classmates chose to commemorate important people in their lives, historic figures, inspirational mentors who made an impact on their lives. some of the commemorated still lives, some have passed on.

as each individual began to deliver their speeches, be it their mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, siblings, best friends, friends who were gone, historical figures, my vision was blurred. some of the speakers, too, shed tears, of whichever emotion that they felt at that point of time. that, is something no words can describe, unless you felt it yourself.

and i start to wonder, is it just me? or am i really missing out on alot of things in life? or is my life just as no-life as can be? or that these people are just more fortunate than i am?

persuasive, informative, introductory speeches were not as revealing, as the commemorative speech. i saw a different side, perhaps an unmasked side of many, what truely touches their hearts, and what they have became. i saw people crying when delivering speeches, when i know they are much stronger in character than i am, i saw people tearing, when i know they are much more brave than i am.

but each speech, as i have come to realise, tells two stories. one about the commemorated, the other about the speaker. and each story, has their own motto and message to deliver.

and through their speeches, i've learnt not to give up,

be more appreciative of even the most bitter encounters in life,

joy can come in the smallest and simplest form

not to let self-emotions and commitments affect others who are not involved,

after learning how to love oneself don't forget to love others,

look deeper into each small aspect of life whether living or non-living and learn

just because you are in a bad shape doesn't mean you shouldn't help others

i thank everyone for their inspiring speeches, appreciate the suppression of emotions to deliver the speech, and admire their courage to share such deep impact.

unrealistic expectations

2009-04-12T14:45:00.002+08:00

i think i have really unrealistic expectations about everything in life outside my own bubble. i think it's all those movies and anime and books and whatever there are to blame, in short, media.

which probably explains why sometimes i'm easily irritated, disappointed, depressed, and (like what janice says)，就不知道自己在生气什么.

i think i should just leave those expectations to myself and apply them to me, and my imagination. then perhaps i can live happier.

academics plan

2009-04-10T20:38:00.003+08:00

alrighty, commemorative speech is over. and so is a whole bunch of stuff.

1. no more school except tuesday honolulu's class to go support by buddies for their final speech of the semester

2. hope on that day honolulu scrape the final exams, because if that's the case i'm done with bloody 2 modules, her's and sng bee bee's

3. sng bee bee, not bad, at least she didn't have a final exam... and i'm glad to say that although the contrary happened to bob's paper, i must say her research paper went well, despite the terrible emphasis on the wrong things.

4. i hope, this time bob's exam is going to be alright, because i seriously need a relatively good score to even scrape through the module.

5. abel choy's exam i'm sure it's not going to be with mercy.

all of these pales to utter SIGNIFICANCE that i seriously need a place to study. i'm thinking of the airport. but... is there anywhere else that has a fairly cool aircon that does not freeze people to death, nice tables and chairs, quiet with no annoying people babbling away, safety issues concerning private property, food and drinks, plug points in case i have laptop, and perhaps accomodate my presence for long hours.... ?

it's pretty hard to come up with such a place, because home is definately NOT going to work... so is school....

have i mentioned how much i hate my own handwriting? this is the LAST time i'm taking notes if notes aren't given during class, i'm bringing my laptop everytime if need be. bloody notes... thanks to you again, bobby armstrong...

urge to double post

2009-04-10T00:32:00.004+08:00

there's an urge to double post, because the entry in chinese is darn long to type.

thanks for the tags!!!! hahahaha!!!! JYJY!!!!!

after surfing a number of blogs, i realise, i should probably write this too.

study week - hopefully honolulu scrape the finals. (whee hee!) then i'll be able to stretch out my time to study, and blow the two exams away, especially bobby armstrong's module. i'm absolutely not happy with what happened.

'well, this is supposed to be presentation, but go ahead'

i'll remember those words you said at the brink of my first sentence.

'then what's the point of making powerpoint slides when you're not going to use them'

to whoever said that in the audience, i'm sure you are someone who cooks dinner for the sake of staring at it.

abel choy's exam... gonna be killer, cos it's A' lvl exam style. sheesh... need to reorganize my notes.

screw exams.

but after exams, it's gonna be

catch up on MOVIES

read BOOKS

watch ANIME

spamming MANGA

PSP

GAMES

whooohooooo!!! can't wait for it to be over man. whahaha

雷瀛

2009-04-09T23:19:00.003+08:00

很久没看漫画了，那天刚好有哪么的一点时间，打开书橱，眼望一叠一叠的漫画，就随手抽了一本。

‘爱美教主’

翻开一页，发现女主角个性很像我。为了遮住脸上的遐思，开始化妆。结局当然是完美的，但不知为什么，这次我一点都不觉得心动，感动，反而却是稍微的一点心痛，然后一点感觉都没有。想必这就是我多日以来渴望的‘回到以前’。

之后想了想，不久以前一直抱怨‘雷瀛死到哪里去了，快回来救我’，一直否认雷瀛是个达不到的目标。今天我想收回我所说的话，应为我发现其实她就一直守在我身旁，甚至就是我的心灵。

前些日子过得不是很好，但不知为什么我却没掉泪，也没让生活的烦恼干扰我学校校务。我还是每天一大清早起床上学，写两份研究报告，做演讲。不知为什么头脑反而很清醒，全神灌注于学业。

之到一天我真的累垮了，老爸还幸灾乐祸的笑我。我自己想，能撑到今天已经算很不错了。即使是在期日逼近的那两三天，我还是毅然报者乐观的态度完成我所要完成的事。虽然中间一直抱怨某些人对校务的贡献，但也因为如此我得下更多的苦工。

那晚躺在床上等着睡觉，我突然发现，其实雷瀛根本都没离开过。之所以我能撑到现在是因为她接纳了掌管我的生活。因为我记得，雷瀛是不会轻易因挫折而掉泪的人。

今天演讲班的一组人的题目是‘单身’。发现他们所说的全是以前我所想过的，至少是雷瀛所想的。听了他们的演讲后，之前所有的迷惑全消失了。很高兴能在自己演讲前听到那么让人感慨的话题。

回到家，重看‘魔戒’，让我掉泪的片断再次重现，但我知道，那是雷瀛的眼泪。我最清楚她的为人，她不会轻易因挫折掉泪，只因感动而掉泪。

很庆幸有雷瀛在暗中默默的帮助，有必要时挺身代替我过日子。

OHOHO

2009-04-08T00:26:00.002+08:00

Whoo hoo!!!!

1. com300 presentation - DONE!
2. com300 report - DONE!
3. com 242 report - DONE!
4. com 242 presentation - DONE!
5. com 125 blog - DONE!

all of the above, thanks to you lecturers, gave me the worst hell of my life in UB. and especially to com 242... i completely am severely depressed by it now.

things to do
1. com 326 commemorative speech

and then i'm free, to study for exams.... -.- (like hell i'll be happy)

and i'm going to skip classes from now on. no point going to presentations whom people i find disgust in and didn't sit through mine.

for my buddies out there, jyjy for the speeches and presentations!!! i'll be there as audience and applause for you guys!!!! thanks for sitting through mine!!!

and to some people who probably don't read this, well, too bad, don't expect to see me on your presentation day, and even i'm there, i'll probably be playing psp or something else.

and to *ehem*, and *ehem*. i'm sorry this is very karmic, but all i can do is laugh.

freaky dream

2009-04-05T12:47:00.002+08:00

i had a freaky dream last night... or rather this morning... i'm quite bewildered that i actually had such a dream, and this time i could see concrete features, although i don't quite remember now.

and for some funny reason is that, before i went to sleep, i was trying to use loa. and if that's what loa got me, then i think i ought to change my methods, or a more simpler way, give up and just face the facts.

in fact, i'm still shaking from that dream now, too bewildered to even do my work.

my mind is turning crazy, my body is failing me. external effects, please just, spare me these few weeks, after that you can haunt me anytime you want, but just let me pass these weeks in peace.

and to this incident that happened to me a few weeks ago, i bid thee goodbye, because i may be trapped in a vicious cycle, but everytime i strayed into such thoughts, i will be stopped, by whoever dominates my wallpaper now. and i realise, yes, i'm dead, in a literal sense. because i can no longer feel anything anymore.

Things to do

2009-04-03T19:14:00.002+08:00

my days are literately numbered.

things to do within this pathetically short time:

1. com300 research paper
2. com300 ppt slides
3. com300 script
4. com242 research paper
5. com242 ppt slides
6. com242 script
7. com326 outline

to be completed within this weekend. bless me...

よかたなら、私にじゃまするんな。

i felt quite weird about it

2009-04-01T23:51:00.002+08:00

i only got to know this recently, after all it did happen recently... but... no matter how many times i think about it, i find it quite weird. as in, a little deja vu, yet different from the previous somehow. at the same time, the math didn't really work again, like i said, deja vu.

ok forget it, it seems really like deja vu.

but i still found it weird. then again, the last time i didn't get to answer queries, so i probably shouldn't trouble my already-troubled mind with things that don't concern me.

after all, technically speaking, i don't know them. well i guess i should just get myself immune to such stuff, because like they always say 'things that happen once will never happen for a second time, but things that happened twice will definately happen for a third time'.

well maybe i'm thinking too much, because the 2nd time actually hasn't really occured, yet? well, but signs are just too similar to ignore, and being overly inquisitive, i can't help but ask the same questions again.

ok, like i said, i shouldn't trouble myself because it doesn't concern me and that i don't know them.

but let's say if this is the 2nd time, makes me wonder who will the 3rd time fall on...?

hmm...

it's puzzling, weird, funny, at the same time, rather uncomprehendable and makes me shake my head at it.

well, 3rd time going, i shouldn't trouble myself with things that don't concern me and with people whom i don't know.

i think i really lost it

2009-03-30T22:35:00.002+08:00

i think i'm really lost out of a sudden. as if i came down from a very very extremely long roller coaster ride and find myself in a different time and place...

sanity is hard to keep these days, especially when change is in motion.

"will somebody please give me directions?" Quote Marlin, Finding Nemo

back in love with

2009-03-29T20:16:00.003+08:00

days of searching for myself, days of asking who i am, days of pretending who i wasn't, days of passing...

i always believed that, no matter how insignificant, or how boring, or perhaps how cheezy a movie can be, there is bound to be some heart warming moments, a message, no matter how small or common, calling out to us.

each movie i plowed through, whether new or old, i find myself smiling with them, laughing with them, singing along with them, with the occasional heart wrenching moments of truth which i do not possess what i desired.

but everytime, i am reminded of who i was in the past, the one who made me who i was before i crumbled. i was reminded of all those moments that i hold so dear to my heart, that daring and adventurous side of me trying to break the restrains that were holding her back. even times when i felt as though i was one of them, because they share the same awful encounters as i did, how they were betrayed, how they were left alone, how darkness enclosed around them, how hope was lost. i remember those moments, and they linger even until today, until now.

i felt as though i was back, back to the days where i did not have much to worry about except to keep myself in check, and get my assignments done, with natural course to do well for unjustified exams and tests. i remember that feeling, that unexplainable feeling of release and freedom when i gazed upon the boundless landscapes of indescribable beauty though the small little screen, which happens to be my window to the outside world of my world.

i love the courage they displayed, i love the loyalty they hold dear, and what i love most was their strong belief of fellowship, friendship, and most importantly, love for one another, that made them willingly use themselves as shields for the others who are in need. the spontaneous and unquestioning return to calls of aid simply amazed me, like how i was amazed in the past.

and once again, i find myself in love, with lord of the rings, just as i did, many years ago.

facebook quiz

2009-03-29T00:20:00.002+08:00

facebook says this about me...

You are lovely and caring. You help others and spread out a lot of sympathy. Your life aim maybe is to serve the people. But your weakness is that you forget about yourself, your own needs. All your time is hold back for your friends and family. You are always there for people in trouble. Ready for any emergency. You make a lot of sacrifices just to be a good human. But every woman has her needs, her longings and a destiny. Don't loose yourself in work or curing other people's souls. You will have your own problems in your life. Another problem is that you don't say your opinion when it's right and important to say it. People trample onto your soul if you are always so kind and lovely and helpful. They will play on you. Though you should try to relax more and enjoy your life, you should not loose the gift that was given to you to help others . Not everyone is created this way... You are uniqe and rare!

i dunno whether to laugh or to cry about it...

amazed myself

2009-03-27T23:25:00.002+08:00

i amaze myself sometimes... in ways as insignificant as possible. so am i to assume that i'm easily amazed?

i think i'm pro

2009-03-23T14:36:00.002+08:00

i think i'm pro... i changed my blogskin within 1 hour although i should be doing my work... it used to take me like 3-4 hours to do that.

i'm amazed by people's heightened abilities when a part of them malfunctions... in my case, it's my heart, figuratively.

and yes, you've guessed it. Mrs. Jaegerjaques is back

amazed

2009-03-20T22:33:00.005+08:00

it is amazing, how i define certain words.

i never knew what lonely was even i was the only child, subjected to long hours of solitude since young, until that day when i woke up to find myself in a million pieces and i couldn't reach anyone

i never knew what stress was even the days i had to endure hours of non-stop work even with people constantly reminding me of the symptoms of stress, until that day i realise my multitasking skills was not enough to be reading 8 articles on my desk, typing 1 outline, 1 treatment paper, and researching for 3 topics at the same time...

i never knew what fatigue was even with surviving for 3 hours of sleep each day just to complete work or helping others, until that day i dozed off during armstrong's class even after 6 hours of sleep

i never knew what hurt was, even when i was always in the shadows or being treated as a stepping stone, until the day i sat down to cry for absolutely no reason at all

in fact, i don't know what's going on anymore. i've been pretty much living on a day-by-day basis ever since the start of my UB life, i was never able to look beyond tomorrow. it was tomorrow's attendance, tomorrow's outline, tomorrow's quiz, tomorrow's exam, tomorrow's presentation, tomorrow's speech...

even if i do look beyond tomorrow, it's still the same, next week's exam, next week's deadline, next week's speech...

i start to ask myself, do i have a life?

just when my answer came, i found myself in yet another pit of chaos.

i overestimated my abilities, thinking i could cope

i overestimated my endurance, thinking i could take it all

i overestimated my intelligence, thinking i could figure it out

i overestimated my talents, thinking that they are my forte

3 research papers, 4 speeches, 4 outlines, 7 exams, 3 presentations, 8 assignments, 4 quizes, all within 15 weeks of hell, 105 days of torment and fatigue. i don't even want to think about the amount of work needed.

in fact, i overestimated myself, thinking i'm someone worthy of hope

in the end, i'm pretending to be someone i'm not. all the while i thought, that i created Raiin, i can be like her, or even the notion of i AM her.

now i know, i was the delusion-ed one. all these while, thinking i'm smarter, more rational, more capable.

i couldn't be more wrong

i can never do things right huh?

truth

2009-03-20T16:33:00.001+08:00

tell me the truth...

in fact, tell me everything that i need to know...

because there is a limit to the amount of hurt one can endure before the irreparable shatter...

redefine

2009-03-14T21:33:00.002+08:00

to person A, you have redefined the meaning of 'hell' on earth

to person B, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'disgust', 'pervert' and 'gross'

to person C, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'fun' and 'laughter'

to person D, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'entertainment'

to person E, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'courage'

to person F, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'sarcasm'

to person G, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'realism'

to person H, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'stupidity'

to person I, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'irritating'

to person J, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'torture'

to person K, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'perseverance'

to person L, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'hope'

to person M, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'despair'

to person N, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'reciprocity' and 'gratitude'

to person O, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'pathetic'

to person P, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'loud' and 'obnoxious'

to person Q, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'speak properly'

to person R, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'butt-kissery'

to person S, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'hatred'

to person T, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'delusion'

to person U, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'childishness'

to person V, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'loser'

to person W, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'fake'

to person X, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'arrogance'

to person Y, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'inconsiderate'

to person Z, you certainly have redefined the meaning of 'redefine'

lastly,

to one of the above-mentioned person, i hope you shut your big mouth even if you really have to speak because your voice and the way you speak can wake the dead and put the living to eternal sleep

to one of the above-mentioned person, i hope you go, and don't come back, or if you do have to come back, come back as a broken person, so i can laugh

to one of the above-mentioned person, i hope you fail dearly because you are depriving many people of the chance to excel because your big fat ass is blocking the way

to one of the above-mentioned person, i hope you wake up one day and find yourself in the desert with nothing more than a toothbrush and a packet of sherbet lemon (quote Johnny English)

to one of the above-mentioned person, i hope you realise that you are who you are today because of everyone except your own efforts

to one of the above-mentioned person, i hope you realise that butt-kissery can only get you so far and i hope you fall soon and break yourself, literately and figuratively

to one of the above-mentioned person, i hope the tables turn one day and you get a taste of your own medicine

but

to all of the above-mentioned people, thanks for redefining and enlightening me on all the above issues.

i hate myself

2009-03-07T20:38:00.003+08:00

i hate myself for being indecisive

i hate myself for being pathetic

i hate myself for being weak

i hate myself for not being able to keep to my resolutions

i hate myself for being hurtful to others around me

i hate myself for being such as lousy loser

i hate myself for being impulsive

i hate myself for being emotional

i hate myself for letting tears run

i hate myself for putting myself in situations that never seem right

i hate myself for being high and mighty

lastly, i hate myself for destroying the fortress that guarded my heart for most of my life

HINATA

2009-03-02T22:36:00.002+08:00

HINATA!!! YOU ARE MY HEROINE!!!!!!!!

omg you got such guts!!! to 告白in such a dire situation and faced death head on omg omg omg

you are my new heroine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

naruto you better do her justice, avenge her death or marry her if she didn't die. else i'll HATE YOU FOREVER!

dead

2009-03-02T00:11:00.002+08:00

i think it's dead...

somehow i think it's really dead...

but i don't really feel comfortable with it being dead...

then again when it's alive, it felt even more uncomfortable, infact it hurts...

ok scrape that. it hurts whether or not it's alive or dead.

and the feeling is downright pathetic...

i wished i didn't have it...

how pathetic...

law of attraction reinforced

2009-02-23T22:30:00.003+08:00

funny how law of attraction works. and i remembered a simple example given in the book under the section 'relationships'.

there was this guy, who loves to paint. but the pictures that he painted were of women, portrayed at an angle that is turning away from the viewer. so a LOA guru came along and said 'yeah, you must have a lot of relationship problems'. judging from what he drew, right from the bottom of his heart, which is what he is focusing on. women turning away from him. and so in the end, he painted the other way round. and soon he was dating women all the time. alas he got tired of searching, he wanted to settle down. so the LOA guru say once again. 'paint it, paint what you want'. and so he did, painted a beautiful picture of him in a happy family. and now, as true to what was painted, he's living happily ever after.

sounds freaky? like he's holding some magic brush that can paint whatever he wants?

not too long ago, as i was reading through the past fictions that i wrote, it occured to me while i was walking to the washroom in school, that, fictions that i wrote, aren't they the same as the paintings that guy painted? it came right from my heart, that i advocated it. and as i recall back, i advocated the life Raiin led, in all my heart i told myself that's who i am, who i was going to be. i believed in what i wrote. and got exactly what i wrote and believed. never have i spared a shred of believe for that particular thing that Raiin got in the end. all i knew was to submit to her fate.

then i realise, yeah, despite written so many other fictions that advocated what Raiin lacked, i never believed in them. despite them coming from the depths of my heart, i never spared a thought for them.

and all in the end, came back to me today in school. while waiting for the next class to start, it rained. as i sat in a corner, buffeted by some drops of rain, reading in the dark at the notes, listening to "the sacred pool of tears", my mind drifted off, and i wondered for a while, how nice would it be if...

and i looked around me, the entire table, was people with what i wanted that i don't have, and that painful stab pierced my heart for the countless-th time. and and i thought to myself, 'ouch'.

i couldn't continue to listen to that song anymore despite it being my current favourite song. i swapped, with 'Driving with the top down'.

and there it was. a total change in mood and attitude. and suddenly i don't feel powerless anymore, i don't feel weak, that i needed to lean. i felt powerful, that my life is in my own hands, and i control what i want. so what if i don't have it? i don't need it.

it hit me after a while, that music really affects me to a huge degree. two contrasting songs, but a total change in mood and attitude. i really have to hand it to music and soundtracks, they are really my greatest weakness.

and moments before i typed this entry, it hit me again. this was exactly what i wrote, in one of the fictions some time ago.

"soundtracks, that's the greatest weakness of your impregnable fortress"

and here i am, shaking my head, in fact i'm at a total loss now. and that familiar tug is there, the all too familiar, too soon to forget pain is still there, and i laugh at myself...

i'm really weak.

tired

2009-02-18T23:37:00.002+08:00

gaaaaaaaah. school's blog is tying me down, making me lethargic to even update my own blog...

been camping in school's library and exploiting their printer and computers to do research for bobby armstrong. i have no idea why i'm putting so much emphasis on his research paper above all others... maybe it's interesting, but i predict i'll hate this topic soon if i don't stop.

instead of research articles, i found weird things, such as Red Cliff and Journey to the Centre of the Earth's soundtracks, omg both are a die for. and what a pity that i can't find them online, except on a streaming site. which is why my ipod is being neglected during school hours... IRRITATING!!!!! WHERE CAN I FIND THESE TRACKS!!!!! HELP!!!!!!

i think i'm really shagged... all these research stuff piling up, and i think bobby armstrong and honolulu are ganging up against us... for some reason they have placed their midterms on the SAME day... my gawd... you guys are killing us...

tempting to skip intro internet class. i mean. yeah, it's kinda interesting to find weird things that we don't know online... but i swear the teacher's voice can triumph in the competition of the best lullaby... and that freaking hell long break...

but time sorta flew... and already it's the 6th week. and almost.. ALMOST half the sem is gone... wow. i felt like i've just started school! or in a whirlwind but have no idea... incredible.

i should. start running soon. something suddenly bugs me at the back of my head. well. yeah.

i'm immuned... i guess. that my body registers nothing else, no school stress, no school work, nothing else except the sole complain that i have with the timetable. why the freaking hell do i have to wake up everyday at 6.30 to go school, and screw up my bio clock for 3 weekend days and back to torturing myself?

seriously i feel like i'm living in a void... am i still alive?

little wonders

2009-02-09T22:53:00.002+08:00

let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder

don't you know the hardest part is over

let it in, let your clarity define you

in the end we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made in these small hours these little wonders,

these twists & turns of fate time falls away,

but these small hours, these small hours still remain

let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you

let it shine until you feel it all around you

and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to

we'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made in these small hours these little wonders,

these twists & turns of fate time falls away,

but these small hours, these small hours still remain

all of my regret will wash away some how

but i can not forget the way i feel right now

in these small hours these little wonders

these twists & turns of fate these twists & turns of fate

time falls away but these small hours these small hours, still remain,

still remain these little wonders

these twists & turns of fate

time falls away but these small hours

these little wonders still remain

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

i was right

2009-02-07T16:19:00.001+08:00

i was right.

everything came back to haunt me again, just as when i predicted it to be so.

i woke up crying once again, not knowing the exact reason.

best laugh i had in weeks

2009-02-05T23:15:00.002+08:00

i swear, hanging out with this bunch of people is a die-for. you guys absolutely rock man... for the first time, i can't finish my food when i'm not even halfway done, and i let my fries go cold. i seriously think this is good exercise, because laughter is a damn good feeling, i don't mind trading my meals for it.

this is undoubtly the best laugh i had in WEEKS. and i must say i'm really grateful for this opportunity to keep my sanity. i love you guys, really. i might have already snapped due to all that stress, but thanks to you guys, i'm revived. i love laughing with you guys. to hell with the other people present at cafe cartel, to hell with all those employees present, we have our fun and joy and laughter.

thanks for making me laugh. thanks for letting me know, there are more important things in life. thanks for being there today, even though the star of the day is not me.

happy birthday to pal, finally the big 21. hope you like the presents and the dinner.